Written by IainB
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Monday, 2 April 2012

image for Language lesson makes listener forget how to speak
Kevin and Ella Elvin in happier times when Kevin knew English

Kevin Elvin of Luton has been left literally speechless after he received what he believed were Spanish language tapes from BiLingua.

"Kevin bought the tapes from eBay," said his wife, Ella Elvin. "They were faulty though."

According to Kevin's wife, the tapes were not only the wrong language, they were English.

"He wanted to learn Spanish," said Ella. "We're going on holiday to America in the Summer, and we though it would be useful if we could speak the lingo."

Kevin followed the instructions on the tapes and played them while he was asleep to let the language seep into him. However, with the tapes being put on backwards and in English, this has resulted in him losing the ability to speak English.

"We've had to piece this together after the event," said Ella. "Kevin couldn't tell us. He's had every trace of English removed out of his head. As he could only speak English to start with, this has left him without any languages. Poor lamb."

Ella has written to BiLingua to ask for a replacement tape so that English can be put back into her husband's head. BiLingua's initial response was that it was not their fault as the couple had bought the tapes from eBay.

"I persisted," said Ella. "And I discovered that they have no English tapes. They were all recorded backwards, and Kevin's not the only person to lose the ability to speak English. However, the other people haven't been able to come forward because they can no longer speak English. Kevin is lucky he has me."

BiLingua have offered a different language tape to the Elvins.

"They don't have that many languages left," said Ella. "About the best we can do is Welsh, so at least Kevin will be able to speak to two other people on the planet."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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