Written by Joe Leff
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Saturday, 7 January 2012

Alcohol researchers have finally discovered that heavy drinking affects the brain.

After 44 unsuccessful results, researchers at Carlsburg University recently came up with a winning study. They got 10,000 'initially reluctant' volunteers to consume as much free beer as they wanted.
Once they'd got the hang of this task, these subjects were given memory and reasoning tests by the researchers.

After drinkers had consumed 45 units of alcohol (1 free pint = 2 units), there was a noticeable decline in mental performance. Nearly half the drinkers continued drinking the free beer - and even more significant results were obtained. After 45 pints, there was a further decline in their mental performance.

Other cognitive researchers have also found that 45 is a key number when it comes to mental ability. In a 10-year study of 7,000 white-collar civil servants, scientists found that memory, reasoning and comprehension skills deteriorated from the age of 45.

According to one leading neuroscientist, there's a simple physiological reason. "After all those years of wearing white collars, they've been getting too tight - and there's obviously not enough blood circulating to the brain."

In order to halt this decline in mental power, ministers at Whitehall will encourage civil servants (especially those approaching 45) to wear more casual gear, such as sloppy T-shirts and baggy jeans. "And once they've reached the age of 45, they've got to stop drinking free beer."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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