Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Texas, Doctors

Tuesday, 17 January 2006

image for Doctors Re-attach Man's head .. Backwards
One "ride'n" mower you DON'T want to be picknic'ing in front of

(DALLAS) - He may not be able to see where he's going but he sure knows where he's been. Blake Tanner of Dallas Texas became the world's first life-form to have his entire head surgically re-attached after complete dismemberment. Doctors with only SECONDS to spare quickly performed the ground-breaking operation realizing that if they could not simply get it back on "the best way they could", Tanner would die. Without a head.

Luckily the freak dismemberment occurred IN the hospital, ON the operating table where Tanner was undergoing routine Gall Bladder surgery. All of a sudden a razor sharp fluorescent light fixture on the ceiling broke loose, striking Tanner on the operating table, slicing his head off. One quick thinking doctor, part of the re-attachment team said,

"This surgical re-attachment would have been totally impossible if Tanner had not already been ON the operating table, already under anesthesia with a full medical team around him. Normally when a person gets his head lopped off at the neck he only has about 60 seconds to live. We, thank God HAD those 60 seconds."

Tanner, now fully recovered, in a backwards-ly attached head sort of way lives a normal life in a small suburb outside of Dallas. He CAN in fact almost turn his head halfway forward, like normal people can turn their heads halfway backwards. Joking with reporters he told them,

"Yep. I get my fair share of jokes I do, like .. 'Can't you get your head on straight?' or .. 'who's your mom, Linda Blair?'. I just laugh with them but life's good. I'm just thankful to be alive."

Neighbors do say that Tanner does sometimes

"freak people the hell out"

such as in Denny's when they are sitting in one booth trying to enjoy their Grand Slam Breakfast and there in the next booth is Tanner staring them straight in the face downing HIS Grand Slam Breakfast.

Doctors at Dallas Methodist Hospital say that it IS possible, theoretically to attempt to put Tanner's "head on straight" but it would require them to

1) Behead him

2) Attempt to re-attach that head in 60 seconds

Tanner has not decided to go through with that particular operation just yet given the odds of surviving being 200,000 to "darned near zero".

Tanner's girlfriend says that she is a still a bit "baffled" by the whole affair but stands behind, or, rather in FRONT of her man's decision to live life as he is or risk the head straightening operation. She said,

"It DOES get a bit weird in the bedroom sometimes, what with .. well .. I'm sure you can imagine."

Doctors, pointing out that Tanner's condition is a physical one not a genetic one assure the couple that any children that they might sire will, without a doubt, all be born with their "heads on straight".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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