Written by DZ Wags
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Friday, 23 September 2011

Being alive can raise the risk of developing cancer, a German led research project announced today.

A study of over 6 billion people worldwide carried out over the last 20 years, and costing $8bn found that being alive dramatically increases the risk of cancer.

Active cells duplicate and recycle, which has been found to be the number one cause for both the malignant and benign forms of cancer, far in advance of other previously attributed causes, the research revealed.

"I think these findings put to bed the debates about smoking, alcohol abuse and having been evil in a past life," said lead researcher Prof. Dr. Ernst Glockenstein.

"This is definitive evidence that you can do all those things guilt free now, as long as you're dead when you do them."

Being alive had previously been thought to be highly beneficial in the fight against cancer.

Scientists unveiled the breakthrough study in panic medical journal "DEATH!" and it provides a major step forward in the understanding and treatment of cancers.

For the study, participants had to stay alive and see how long it took to develop a cancer. Prof. Dr. Glockenstein admitted, "The findings were overwhelming; almost everyone who reported a cancer was living."

When asked about the projects astronomical budget, the professor replied, "These days with the exchange rates, it works out much less in Euros or Pounds. People shouldn't worry; this breakthrough will save much more in the future by not wasting money that would have otherwise been used to treat dead patients. We now know that they are in the low-risk group."

"This is only the beginning," research fellow Hans Gruber added. "We have begun and are planning for many more multi-billion dollar projects to further assess what effect different aspects of living will have on your health. We are currently doing research into what effect standing or sitting has on the body's cancer fighting capabilities. It's a very exciting time to be working here."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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