Why Jean Luc Bastardi had to die

Jean Luc Bastardi, manager of the 5 star Hilton Hotel, located in the center of Paris is dead. As reported here, the 35 year old French man died in the rubble of his fallen hotel.

Bastardi, who helped me rise to the top of the writers points table had, I'm afraid, outlived his usefullness - I had outgrown the nonchalant Froggy - who now that he has gone I can say...I didn't really like him. No doubt the tributes will flood in for Jean Luc, from the rich and the famous, those who stayed at his hotel, from his so called friends.

Well, let me tell you a thing or two about Jean Luc Bastardi. For a start he was a prolific masturbator, god forbid we ever get a hold of his laptop and search through his browser history, some of those sites are banned in the USA! He was mean, I mean he would NEVER buy a drink - he never gave Christmas cards, gifts - nothing. As far as he was concerned charity did indeed begin at home - and thats where it stayed.

As for his personal hygiene - it was non-existant. He literally stank - if he ever used deodrant it would be 'onion' flavour - he showered less than a normal French man (which is once a month) so I estimate in his 35 years he took to the shower all but 95 times. Soap was a four letter word to Jean Luc.

He hated children and animals - not that you would know if you ever checked out his DVD collection - he was a liar, thief and hypocrite. I suggest that the women's underwear in his closet were not 'his sisters'. He did not have a sister. I suggest that the 'anal probe' on his bed side table was not 'for medicinal purposes'.

Jean Luc Bastardi stole from the hotel. Crates of wine dissapeared from the hotel's cellar - only to reppear in Bastardi's private collection. Petty cash was always short. The hotel staff hated and feared him - he was a bully, a manically over controlling supervisor who would proposition the female members of his staff - aswell as some of the younger boys. He was a coward, though most French are, he was more so than your normal Frenchman - he was a sick, twisted, nasty little man. I'm glad he is gone.

Jean Luc Bastardi lasted for 12 stories - they weren't that funny but HE was taking over - he would call me in the middle of the night - giving me ideas - I couldn't sleep, household chores were being neglected, I was being warned that my performance at work was getting worse, my wife was complaining we were no longer making love - Bastardi consumed me, he was always there, at the grocery store, on the freeway - in my head.

Well, Bastardi, I had the last laugh, just as John Cleese ended the run of Basil Fawltey and Ricky Gervais put a stop to David Brent - I have put a stop to you - just like Jerry Sienfeld stopped being Jerry Sienfeld after 2362 episodes - so you are finnished. Good bye Jean Luc - I don't need you anymore.


After writing this article I just checked my points - I am dropping down the table faster than Newcastle United - my points total is shrivelling quicker than a cold man's knob - I think I may have made a huge mistake.