University Challenge: Smart Arse York Massacre Glorious Musos

Forgive me! I've never done this before. I'm about to take a sideways satirical swipe at a team of youngsters who have just been splendidly victorious. Forgive me!

Or if you can't forgive, look at the bottom of this page - and rate this story as badly as you possibly can.

Go on! Give me what I deserve. Get me sacked from my job as Stand-in Deputy Head of Spoof 'University Challenge' reviews. See if I care.

OK! Confession time! There was something about York I couldn't cope with. I'll explain in a minute. For now, let me make a prediction. Despite this huge score, York University won't be going far in this year's contest. They'll be lucky to survive another round.

York has a bright enough team. Tonight they thrashed the Royal College of Music 245-105. But, on this display, the four York members are a blinking sight less bright than they think they are. Sorry!

Lovely team from the Royal College.

Bearded Michael Scott and the bearded captain Sam Evans were a delightful pair of contestants. They were also great 'on camera'. Relaxed, witty and intelligent with their guesses. Also quite unlucky on the night to miss most of the questions on subjects they knew about.

They did particularly well to pick up on an Einstein question. But when it came to the music round, whereas in most weeks they'd have been able to show off their knowledge of opera, on this occasion they were expected to know who sang various cover versions of a soppy song called 'If You Go Away'. University Challenge doesn't get unluckier than this.

You either know yer Maria Callas.

Or you know yer Dusty Springfield.

Rarely both.

Meanwhile, Stephen Daverson and Al Corral Matute provided valiant support.

Back to York!

Look. I really didn't think tonight's questions were that brain-shatteringly difficult.

But the sight of captain Andrew Clemo huffing and puffing and phewing and wiping his fevered brow every time he gave a correct answer - as if he'd just scaled K2 with a rucksack of New Zealand butter-wouldn't-melt on his back - quickly drove me to a state of paranoid desire to shout something particularly rude and soul-destroying. Very loudly! Right up to his ear drum!

Sorry York. Captain Clemo's smart-arse grinning mugshot, with its semi-fixed, self-congratulatory smile, finished me off long before the halfway mark.

So, fellow team members Chris Caudwell, Ben Keane and Simon Donnelly ain't gonna come out of this report with flying colours. By default.

Not that they deserve any praise. Seemed to me they were only there for the ride. With Clemo answering the majority of the questions by himself.

But the programme wasn't a complete disaster.

I was deliriously triumphant when profound twerp Clemo mixed up his Liberty with his Amnesty International in answer to a Shami Chakrabarti question.

And I glowed with a thrill of sheer ecstasy when Paxo slapped down Mr Keane after catching him out in a momentary display of obvious collusion. Should have given a red card for that!

Otherwise a dead boring half hour of mediocrity posing as genius.

Go on York! Make me eat my words!