Queen Dissolves Parliament As National Crisis Threatens to Escalate Into Civil War

Westminster: The United Kingdom is today gripped in the storm of a Constitutional crisis that threatens to far outstrip the 1936 abdication.

The Nation was brought to its knees late last night as HRH The Queen finally lost patience with MPs from all sides of the house and prorogued what she called - "This lascivious, avaricious, base, disgusting, tone-deaf, disgrace of a Parliament".

In a Constitutional dismissal not witnessed since the heady days of the 17thC Civil War, Queen Elizabeth has kicked out every single member of the House of Commons and ordered the front door slammed shut in their face. Democracy is dead.

"She's flipped. The woman's finally had enough", reported David Dimblebee on an emergency TV news bulletin.

"She's the Queen for God's sake", he explained. She's our National rock. I know she's not meant to do this sort of thing - but she can - and she has".

"For years she's been the one person we have all relied upon. The quiet voice of Britain. From the moment of her birth, devoting her life to serving her country and her people. Why shouldn't we trust her? In another thousand years time, she'll be remembered as one of our great Monarchs".

But finally, our great monarch Queen Elizabeth 11 has cracked.

"The first half of her reign wasn't too bad",reported Dimblebee. "It all started to go tits up in the late 70's after she celebrated the Silver Jubilee".

"First she had to suffer with the poor coal miners, the Poll Tax and Margaret Thatcher. No sooner had she recovered than she was dragged headlong down a cliff face in an avalanche of sleaze with the John Major government. But that was as nothing compared to the following 11 years of Tony Blair and God save HRH the dreaded witch Cherie", Dimblebee explained.

"Peter Mandelson. Alastair Campbell. 7/11 - a good day to hide bad news. Caravan Beckett as Foreign Secretary. Death of the 'People's Princess... How much more could a sane woman take"?

But still she struggled on. Look at the list that poor cow's had to endure:-

"The Falklands - remember that? Iraq 1: The illegal Iraq 2: Weapons of Mass Destruction: The Kelly affair: Cash For Honours: John and Pauline Prescott. She even had to suffer a fire at Windsor Castle and Bernie bloody Ecclestone affair.

"Now the poor woman's in her 80's she's got dithering fatso Gordon Brown to put up with. "Will I smile now or in another five seconds? Will I call a snap election today or won't I? Shall I save the world from financial ruin? Or shall I just tell everyone I'll save the world and sneak off to the kitchen for another of my favourite chocolate biscuits?

"And then the expenses scandal!!! How much deeper can they plummet? After hundreds of years of democratic government, all we've got is a crowd of MP's who've become experts at fiddling their expense accounts and cheating the taxman".

But now The Final Straw. The one that's finally broken HRH's back.

You'd have thought, after the expenses scandal MP's would have accepted a simple rule: No more employment of family members in secretarial or research positions: Particularly spouses.

So what do they do. Following the BBC's leak of the Kelly report (due Nov 4th) we hear hundreds of MP's aren't happy about not being able to employ their wives, girlfriends, student sons and daughters. And they're not going to stand for any new deal on mortgages, phased in over 5 years or not They're threatening a revolt.

But not just a revolt. Now we learn, they're also plotting ways to circumvent Kelly's edicts.

How? Easy. They're simply going to swap wives. Or in a few cases like Jacqui Smith, hold their nose and swap husbands.

MP's throughout Westminster are already gleefully dancing around throwing their house keys into a pile and pairing off with new partners as a means to both keep the money flowing and brightening up their sex lives by way of a bonus. Wife swapping at Westminster was the talk of the gossip columnists last night.

Now suddenly it's all been brought crashing to a halt.

The Queen has called for new elections on May 6th 2010.

Until then Great Britain will be ruled by a Government Of All Talents - A Royal Coalition comprising Prince Charles, Prince Philip, Prince William, Sir David Attenborough, Mr Bruce Forsyth and Mr Willie Carson.

Frighteningly, they might do a better job.