Not The Oxford English Dictionary Vol. 11.

Haar:

The letter R as pronounced in the West of England particularly by pirates
(ref. R. Jim Ladd. Pirates of the Cornish and Devon Coast)


Habanera:

A dancing Cuban banana harvester



Habeas corpus:

The body of a bee (Lat)



Habit:

What a nun pulls out of a rat when she does conjuring tricks



Habitable:

Where nun puts her clothes at bedtime


Habituate:


Opposite of habitulike


Hacienda:

The end (Spanish)


Hacksaw:

What a journalist witnessed


Haematocele:


What a Canadian hunter leaves on head of baby seal



Haematoma:


What an Italian wife may answer when asked the whereabouts of her husband (particularly if she is holding a rolling pin)


Haemophila:

Name of a famous Italian male porn star (Juvante H.)



Haemophiliac:


Italian partial to sex with Himalayan cattle


Haemorrhage:

What bloody annoyed Italian man does



Haemorrhoid:


What an Italian driver gives to a male hitch hiker (gives H )
(see pile-driver)



Haggard:

Tired security man

Hagiographer:

A crone's biographer



Hagiography:

1. Take pictures of old ladies
2. Study of the distribution of old ladies


Hagridden:


Type of niche porn


Hair's - breadth:

Measure of proximity (approx 3 skins of an arse)


Haiku:

Japanese martial art involving use of poetry

e.g., A haiku duel:

I breathe your perfume
World alive with fragrance
Vomit on my shoes

Reply:

Price beyond rubies
Take that you bastard
I used your card


Hairbrush:

Used to obscure pubic region in Japanese porn pictures


Hakim:

(Arabic) Word used by angry bloodthirsty knife-wielding cook in Egyptian restaurant in reply to a complaint


Hallelujah:

1. A pot used for a church collection
2. Makeshift urinal in house with no modern conveniences



Hamster:

Result of putting small rodent in blender



Hamstring:


Used to cover the genitalia of pigs


Handclap:

Venereal disease spread by manual contact


Handicraft:

A fortuitously available getaway vehicle



Hangover:

Beer belly


Hapax legomenon:

Something only ever made once from lego (e.g. Jumbo Jet)



Harangue:


1. Diatribe from an ape found in Borneo
2. Swear when egg white fails to whip properly
3. (Japanese) Inform of telephone call (Mr. Hashimi Harangue)


Hardtop:

Circumcised male member
(See cavalier/roundhead)


Hare Krishna:

Indian lagomorph


Harem:

Small cough made before interrupting eastern potentate with his wives


Harmless:

Describes inability of amputee to hurt people (at least with upper limbs)


Harpoon:

A very severe barbed lampoon


Hartebeest:

A happy genial animal


Harum Scarum

A guard in a Seraglio


Hasidic:
A sour orthodox Jew


Hasten:

Reason for criminal to worry (hasten cops on his tail)


Hatred:

Dislike of colour red


Haunch:

A clue as to where someone may have hidden a cut of meat


Haycock:

(see scarecrow)


Hebdomadal:

A week stomach


Hell

1. A place in Norway
2. Anywhere in the Sudan


Herbicide:

Crime of killing Herbie


Hereat:

Female millinery


Heritable:

Touchiness (in females)



Hermetic:

Something to induce vomiting in airtight spaces


Herpes:

Something that might make her pees painful


Herpetology:

Study of womens pets (partic. Reptilian)


Heteroclite:

Abnormal female genitalia


Heterodox:

Medical experts who refuse to treat gays and lesbians


Heterosis:

Opposite of lesbosis


Hevea:

Rubber plant with higher mass


Himalayan:


What somebody says when Dalai Lama is in bed


Hippocampus:

University for aquatic mammals



Hirsute:

Hairy costume


Hispanic:

A Spaniard's cowardice


Hives:

Bee allergy


Hollow:

An empty greeting



Holohedral:

Having no brain


Holus-bolus:


Constipation


Holy:

Something religious with holes


Homoeopath:

Someone who dislikes Gays


Homespun:

A play on the word homespun


Homo:

The same homosexual


Homo sapiens:

A homosexual college professor


Homogenetic:

Something rarely passed on by the male line


Homogenize:

Stare at Gay's jean clad backside (make H. at)


Homologue:

The same as any other person's one would think


Homonym:

e.g. Fudge nudger


Homophobia:


What people wrongly accuse the writer of NTOED to be


Homophone:

Pink mobile


Homopolar:

Gay rather than depressed



Hooch:

Drunken dog


Hoodoo:

The only other word that rhymes with voodoo and Kudu


Hookah:

Pipe smoking whore


Horde:

Collective name for misers


Hormone:

Sound emanating from whorehouse


Hornbill:

What one has to pay for a bird to give you Swedish or Thai "massage"


Hornpipe:

What sailors get up to at sea


Horripilation:

Phobia of Brazilian waxing

Hosanna:

1. Behold girl with hose
2. Name for a girl who practises Swedish massage


Hospital:

Sputum sample normally next to sick bed


Hospitalize:

What nurses and doctors make at each other


Hottentot:

Negro child


Hubbub:

Noise made by rednecks


Hugger-mugger:

1. Confused street criminal
2. A policy of the more Liberal establishment in UK


Humane:

Someone with a very hairy neck


Humerus:


What people say when they want to be kept happy (someone gives them a bone to pick on)


Hummus:

What forms when chickpea paste is thrown on to a compost heap


Hun:

Endearment for a German


Hundred:

(see Germanophobia)


Hurricane:

Fast geriatric with walking stick


Hustings:

Barbed rejoinders diring election proceedings


Hyacinth:

Flowery greeting for Cynthia (see Hyades, Hyena, Hyaloid and Hygiene)


Hydroxide:

To cache eroded metal


Hymen:

An eager virgin's greeting


Hymn:

Male choral singer


Hyponasty:

Propensity of plants to not be nasty

Hypostaxis:

Tendency of each taxi in a line to be subordinate to the one before it


Hypothesize:

A first questioning look at a potential partner for the evening (to make H. at each other)
Usually followed by a smile and the offer of a beverage.


Hyposthesis:

A wooden arm or leg that is too short


Hypoxaemia:

Septicaemia caused by gonorrhea