J K Rowling's New Seven Set Book Idea Stolen From Gringotts Wizarding Bank Shocker!

J K Rowling was left devastated last night as her outline for her new set of novels was stolen from Gringotts Bank by person, persons, thing or things unknown and then plastered allover the internet for all to see. At least we know Venerable Jons didn't do the deed - or that nice wooly woofter Kristian Digby bloke off UK mourning... sorry Morning TV.

As this is all over the World Wide Poo Portal it seems only fair that we should have a quick gander at it and see if she can be arsed writing anything decent - or as we suspect she can't - if past efforts are anything to go by. It will be exciting to see if she will have learnt how to write a good novel yet. She has had enough practice by now surely!

Woe is me. After struggling to start a new novel I have finally struck gold I think. As all eight films will have been shown next year the actors Daniel, Rupert, Emma et al will all be a lot older. Whilst they have a few years break I will start a new set of childrens books that will follow the exploits of all their children. Then in seven years... or seven months... depending on if I can be bothered typing for more than twenty minutes a day I will have finished my new Hogwash saga. Then we can all get back together and make another few billion quid. Here is a brief outline to remind me.

Harry and Ginny are married with seven children. Ron and Hermione are married with seven gingers. Both sets of parents eldest are both due to go to Hogwarts. Myfanwy Potter and Wilbert Weasley (a boy) both set off to Hogwarts together. Boy and girl thing from day one. Bound to be a winner. All the other favourites have children that start in the same year. It works like that in my wizardy world.

All the same teachers are there... coz they always are... just like in the real world... The headmaster may have pegged it but when your kids go to the same school you attended you realise with horror that 87% of the teachers are still there. That's that sorted. Plus they are wizards anyway. They always hang about in the same place for years. Chris James told me. Great guy that - His help has been invaluable.

Ginny had a one night stand with a toad who said he was an handsome prince but lied. Myfanwy was born nine months later... Harry doesn't know the truth until the sixth book when the 'Purple Headed Womb Broomstick' is on the rampage at Hogwash and Myfanwy finds herself on the recieving end. Ginny breaks down and croaks the truth.

The 'Cloak of Invisibility' got totally messed up and became romantically involved with the TARDIS and then got totally messed up again by turning the same colour. The TARDIS is however now able to become invisible again like it should which will really please the BBC as it will be cheaper now to make the programme. The 'Cloak of Invisibility' is now called the 'Cloak That Is Very Definitely Visible'. It is now used to help Myfanwy get noticed all the time and to burn out everybodies retinas then they don't have to continue reading my dross.

Voldemort is back again. Easy enough - someone found an old hankerchief of Tom Riddle's that was full of DNA from a once sticky, now very crusty sauce... I mean source. They took it down Diagonal Alley and then took a sharp left into Witchestit St. and then right into Diagon Alley. They nipped into the Leaky Conundrum pub and ordered a half of Satans Foreskin India Pale Ale off Tom and poured it on the manky wanky hanky. Job done. Voldie is back. Seven more years of what I'm good at.

Book One - Myfanwy Potter And The Hogwarts Hoorah

Book Poo - Myfanwy Potter And The Stench Of Doom

Book Pee - Myfanwy Potter And The Wizard Watersports Tournament

Book Whore - Myfanwy Potter And The Totally Touretted Banshee Bastard

Book Skive - Myfanwy Potter And The Can't Be Bothered Studying Club

Book Sex - Myfanwy Potter And The Purple Headed Womb Broomstick

Book Heaven - Myfanwy Potter And Her First Born Purpley-Green Broomfrog

Okey dokey. That'll do for now. That last book obviously paves the way for some more Hogwash in another 15 years or so. F*ck it that'll do I can fill in the rest later.

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So there we have it, not much really in the grand scheme of things. We would have found all that out - apart from the book titles of course and the 'sworded sordid whore did what?!?!' sex secret of why Myfanwy is green - in the first few chapters of the first book of the second of what looks to now be a trio of seven book Hogwash novels. Everybody should rejoice and be merry. At least it's not Dan Brown. I quite enjoy a bit of Harry Potter to be honest. That's why I hope this actually comes to pass... apart from the books titles of course. Oh and some different baddies and the resurrection of Severus Snape. I'm not bothered 'bout Dumbledore. He had a good innings.

Archduke Ferdinand Crippledick read the headline in The Smite with a big grin. Gringotts had been a piece of piss to break into. Now he must get back to his new job at MI6 and go and keep an eye on that bastard Robert Thompson. Always looking for an opportunity to catch him doing something that would enable his royal secret agent self to pour blue paint in both his eyes, stick half a dozen car batteries where the sun doesn't shine, quickly snap his neck and then disappear into the shadows equally as quickly to get on with ridding the world of another oxygen stealer.




Footnote: Also by the same idiot and much better than this dross because sometimes I actually try: Harry Potter to Play the Role of Daniel Radcliffe in Biopic