J. Alfred Frimley 4. Wayne's advice For Silver Surfers

I went to the community centre again for the Silver Surfers' club today. It was a "special", organised by Wayne from Tateley "Cyberama" down at the shops to warn of the dangers of the internet for the older person.

I wondered what was going on because he'd set up a TV screen for a slide show. The district nurse and Dr. Chatterjee were there too. I'll have to talk to the nurse because if Gonzopoorn doesn't get well soon someone will have to come in. I know I'm 73 and can't do everything myself, but I don't like to bother Nurse Po, she must be very busy. Besides, I have worse trouble understanding her because she's Chinese, than I do Gonzopoorn. There again, Thailand is nearer Britain so I suppose there might be a difference, what with tourism and all. Gonzopoorn calls me her "kookie boy" and keeps asking me, "You sure you no like massage, Gonzopoorn good with the stiffy". But I think I mentioned my shyness problem in my first posting.

Anyway, "Wayne's Warnings" as the talk was entitled, started off about internet scams, particularly tempting financial scams run by darkies with the intention of getting all your bank details. He then talked about spam and phishing sites. When he'd mentioned this last week my ears pricked up because, although I don't have much time for it now, I used to do a lot of fishing on the canal. But it wasn't that sort, just another way for scoundrels to get your details. Wayne did assure me though that there are plenty of internet sites for real anglers.

He then went on to talk about the problems for older people with internet dating sites. Apparently, there seems to have been an increase in sexual freedom in the over- fifties since the advent of these sites, where one can it seems, meet people from all over the World. Together with Viagra this has caused quite a problem. You could have knocked me down with a feather!

Because Wayne was no expert he had invited Dr. Chatterjee to come and give us some extra medical information. It took me right back to my National Service days. I remember the camp medic lecturing us on all the nasty things that we could get in the brothels of Aden just before they sent us out there to the garrison. That was before the troubles in the 60's. The few days we got off, there were plenty of lads used to go off on the razzle, but I preferred a quiet time in my bunk or in the NAAFI with a book and a mug of tea.

Anyway there was one I hadn't heard of which apparently is quite common. Chlamydia it's called, I'd never heard of it. He said the symptoms aren't much either, but it can do for your chances of kids, man or woman. If you'd mentioned a name like Chlamydia to me before, then I would have thought it was some sort of Greek food.

Nurse Po then gave some advice specially for women and mentioned that there was a bowl of condoms on the table. I didn't know where to look; I'd already taken a handful thinking they were chewing gum. All that talk od spam had made me peckish.

I'd just run out of the last of the Wrigley's spearmint at home and it's good when mixed up with a drop of Jeye's Fluid for mending mum's drip stand; it hardens-up a treat and it's better and cheaper than epoxy-resin, even though I know old Mr. Leer at the builder's merchants would always give me a discount.

I thought chocolate flavoured chewing gum was a bit strange and I wondered why old Gracie Moss from up the road was looking at me askance with that funny smile. Well, it wasn't unusual; they normally have a bowl of sweets and lay on tea and biscuits. I always take a handful because auntie Vi likes a bourbon cream when she's lucid.

It was too late to put them back so I brought them home. Having looked at one, I reckon they'll save me some money. If I stuff them with straw they'll do really well for stopping the earwigs getting at the Chrysanth's on the allotment and I'm wondering whether they can be used to keep the slugs off the cucumbers. I won't have to go begging for plastic cups any more at the local cafe and apparently latex is biodegradable and I was thinking about going Organic next year.

Anyone who wanted any advice in private was welcome to see Nurse Po in the Green Room afterwards. Not many took her up on the offer, although I thought I saw Mr. Chigley heading that way, but he probably only wanted some advice about his back.

Back home Mrs. Patel said that mum and aunty Vi had been as good as gold and there were no leaks or anything untoward. Also Gonzopoorn was back off the sick and had come that afternoon to make up for lost time. She was impressed with my solution for the colostomy bags.

Because she had a bit of time, since Mr. Chigley hadn't returned from the Community Centre, we had a cup of tea. I told her about the talk and asked if she had heard of all those problems. She said that in Thailand they had twenty times the problems and some more diseases Dr. Chatterjee hadn't even mentioned. That's hot climates for you! But she said that Chlamydia (or Cramydia as she called it) was nothing and if she ever had a problem she had a good Croatian gynaecologist at the Tateley General called Dr. Vaginalich who could sort out anything.

Well, it's getting late and I've got drips to change before I go to bed. I think I was wrong too about Cledwyn's kittymeat, unless of course the rascal has been accepting titbits of curried goat from the neighbours again. I'd better open a window!

Yours as ever

Alfred