'Friends' Reunion Script Nearly Causes Actor's Harakiri: Irish burn Jade Gate in censor turf fire

A Father passed onto his Son this admonition when he married his longtime Beau:

"You'll know the Honeymoon is over when that lovely new wife of yours rushes into the bathroom while you're shaving your ugly whiskered mug; plops down on the throne and takes the nastiest, stinkiest dump you've ever had the disgusting unpleasantness of smelling".

A few years later the Son was lying in bed on a Sunday morning looking love-struck at his awesomely attractive wife; her angelic beauty in slumber enthralling him again anew.

Then his Father's words hit him, BAM,SLAM! Right smack in the noggin. 'Wow', he thought; 'Pop was right'! His wife did exactly as his Father said she would; just the night before. Pop didn't tell him about all the excuses she would use to get out of their Saturday night ritual enmeshed in steamy passionate, unrelenting lovemaking.

The young man was deeply perplexed at these gradual changes in events and the related dire circumstances he found himself surrounded with. He searched his mind as if he were performing a computer search of the internet for a viable solution.

'Yep! That's it! Gotta get back to the basics'. Gotta get back to doing the things they loved to do on early Sunday mornings. He would, once again, present her with a bouquet of flowers from their favorite Shoppe in Soho. A meticulously planned gourmet breakfast in bed would follow for her perusal and the delightful awakening of her overly discerning palate.

He woke his wife with baby kisses all over her face and told her of his plans for this glorious day. She smiled primly and acquiesced uneasily to his new/old hatching of this oft repeated plan. Breakfast went very well till she got out of bed and he saw that damn 'Iron petticoat' she still wore. The 'don't mess with my body' attire she wore when he knew in disdain for the inevitable, his quest for love, any sort of loving with her; was quite the exercise in futility.

Being still young enough and ever intrepid; they both went off to their separate bathrooms to prepare and dress for the outing. She emerged from hers as he finished dressing. He quietly sat in the settee watching as she further transformed herself into the most beautiful woman he had ever seen on the face of the Earth. She could resurrect the dead of either sex and he tried, mostly with vain chagrin, to control and suppress his own resurrections. She looked down upon him and smiled that devious knowing smile; her very pores exuding an eerily confident ability to arouse any man or, any woman, for that matter.

The 1st part of their early morning trek, after having to fend off a dumbstruck cab-driver, found them at the Bronx Botanical Gardens walking hand in hand without care for the world around them. He could still deeply feel the remnants of the once great love they had shared with unbridled youthful exuberance. They always managed to find this place, this lovely endeavor; a much welcomed respite from the hustle and bustle of the teeming, ever pulsing, City of New York.

He followed as she gracefully made the way to their favorite attraction. The boulders lining this particular garden were huge chunks of glacier stone blasted from bedrock in building the City's skyscrapers. This was her personal playground. She was as lithe as a child as she elegantly jumped from boulder to boulder. A prima-ballerina enrapturing an audience with a once in a lifetime performance at Lincoln Center had nothing to hold over his lovely wife. This was her open air stage. Her very own element for the graceful acts of gravity defying leaps she reveled in making so effortlessly. It could have been an audience of one or many. This was of little or no concern at all in her twisted vivacious psyche.

He perched himself upon a boulder across the pavers which reminded him of the rainbow colored roads the 'Munchkins' sent Dorothy off upon in a search for the Emerald City and the 'Wizard of Oz'. He hoped he wasn't about to be caught up in a Kansas type 'Dorothy' Tornado whilst he pondered the next part of his plans for this morning's sabbatical.

He gazed in dumbfounded amazement at his Wife's unrehearsed leaps and bounds. Her flowing white crinoline gown clung closely to her gracefully flailing body, blown about occasionally by the brisk spring breeze. The early morning sunlight silhouetted her tall feminine frame beneath the crinoline. Any artist would glory in making this scene into a worthy depiction with a finely crafted lithograph.

They both now stood upon the boulders 30 feet opposite across the pavers. She stood proudly, heels tightly joining; arms folded beneath her breasts, jutting firmly upwards towards the endless blue sky, a smiling face as bright as the North Star. The sunlight crept and shone through her nimble thighs exposing what she always referred to as her immaculately coutured, lace encased; Jade Gate. This was the not so hidden signal she gave for the end of her performance. They both ignored the small crowd that had gathered, joining on the pavers. They walked again, hand in hand, to the Botanical Garden Gate for the short trip to the Bronx Zoo, the next leg of his carefully laid out plan.

They went to the employee's entrance gate of the Zoo and signed in as guests for a special tour. They had done this many times before. A double sawbuck here a c-note there and a ride in a golf cart, avoiding crowds, to their favorite destination; The Ape house.


One of the Security Guards escorted them to the camera surveillance hub for the entire complex. This always made him uneasy but she enjoyed it immensely. He wondered how she had come to be friends with many of the staffers here; knowing them by their 1st names and asking how their families were. It messed with his mind in trying to figure out how this woman, his woman, the owner of Haute Chic Art Galleries in the heart of the Village, found any solace here amongst these folks. Perhaps she was just slumming in her own safe way. He cursed those damn Brits for the widespread support they had for their camera surveillance systems.

They gave new meaning to 'Big Brother is Watching' in wide screen living color. He tolerated this attack on privacy after reading a study his wife presented him on the dramatic effect the cameras had on reducing crime in the streets of Edinburgh, Scotland and watching the preparations for the Terrorist attacks on the London subway system.

His Wife's own Galleries had high resolution systems that can and did catch prim and proper people picking their noses and scratching their derriere's amongst many other acts a devoted voyeur would relish in watching. At least he found some chuckles in the weird proclivities the rich and famous exhibited without any cares whatsoever. While he did curse the Brits, he didn't begrudge them the contracts that came his way for state of the art surveillance systems. That's how he and his Wife had met and it had made him independent of her own 'old money' wealth. There are trade offs in every aspect of life he figured. Up until now he embraced the quid-pro-quo enthusiastically. This was about to change, drastically.

They accompanied Diego', a private tour zookeeper, to the golf cart and trip to the Ape enclosures. He monitored intently the conversation between Diego' and his Wife. He found no betrayal on Diego's part that would indicate his plan had gone awry. His Spanish friend had no idea the he was fluent in this language and several others. The $2000.00 fee he paid this man was pure fools gold to the plan. His Father had taught him several languages as a youngster and stressed never letting on to anyone that you had any understanding of their language. 'Be a listener not a talker. Loose lips sink plenty more than ships'. The only chink in this personal armor had been the romantic conversations he and wife had in French which was a necessity in gaining access to her soul secrets. This was the only language should would express those peculiar feelings to her psyche.

They pulled into the place reserved for the Zoo Keeper and Diego' went to the passenger side to help his wife remove her seatbelt. "These damn contraptions suck" his wife protested, "I hate all of these damn restraints"! Diego' laughed a bit and seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time unfastening the lap belt wile loosening the chest belt with no less fanfare and fumbling. He didn't waste any time watching the wife and Diego' play fiddlesticks in this charade. He walked up the ramp leading to the Ape House enclosure, entered and checked to see if Diego's preparations were up to snuff. Indeed, they were.

He looked down the wide corridor. The Ape enclosure viewing side had bullet proof clear glass from ground to ceiling for observation by folks up to five deep. He had seen the newest Ape attraction the day before. This Silver-Backed fellow was huge by Ape standards and could probably rip ten men apart if he had the chance.

In fact, 'King Kong' had torn apart one zoo-keeper in the San Francisco Zoo when the man made the fatal mistake of 'wanting to be up close and personal with this really big fellow'. 'King Kong' only escaped the confines of the zoo on the 'City by the Bay' with his life through the anguished cries of the PETA folks who claimed 'King Kong' merely acted out of survival instincts. The clash of PETA and the Gay Rights/Rainbow Coalition Activists was quite the scene of unrestrained bedlam till the Police had to step in and separate this battling bunch of human oddities. Lawsuits flying about like confetti at the Yankees Parade through the Canyon of Heroes were the order of the day. These filings were instituted in San Francisco's Federal Court by all concerned combatants excepting 'King Cong'. PETA already had the Court Order that transferred the creature here out of 'Humanitarian Concerns' as the Federal Appeals Court Judges put it in acquiescing to PETA's Lawyers' demands. The Great Ape had 'acted out of necessity in defending himself' from an over aggressor and the ultimate penalty of a Death Sentence would be 'cruel and unusual punishment'. The Court did deny PETA's motion to release the Ape back into the wild because, as the Full Hearing Bench concluded, 'he wouldn't survive there as he was somewhat domesticated from his wild environs'.

He didn't much care how the 'Big Ape' got here as long as his ultimate plan came to fruition. A few minutes would tell the tale. Diego' and his Wife entered the observation deck. She joined her Husband with an immediate protest; "Now where the hell is that big hairy ugly ape 'King Kong'? Diego' said he would be here eating his breakfast. Did ya know he really loves strawberries like I do"?

"You may doth protest my dear darling Wife" he placated, "Diego' is now opening the outer enclosure doors and, as your bugged out eyes indicate, the 'Big Hairy Ape' lives up to his billing as 'King Kong' in anyone's jungle; especially that jungle habitat in San Francisco"!

This was the 1st time he had seen his wife so dumbstruck. She was like a deer caught in bright headlights when her eyes met 'King Kong's' dark icy stare. He held her enthralled till he reached for his breakfast basket loaded with strawberries, a variety of other fruits and ape staples.

"Oh my God" his wife screamed like a school-girl as the gaze was broken, "look at the size of that freaky banana! No wonder they brought him here! The bananas the other 'boy apes' have here will never satisfy any of the 'girl apes'. What a Man-Ape that 'King Kong' is! He will be as a beacon of light to his new Harem here in the Bronx! Ta hell with the dumb fighting boys"!

'Hmmm'….he thought…'she's definitely right about that freaky banana'. This despite Diego' telling him that 'King Kong' wasn't the typical ape and actually hated those damn bananas. Diego' hated cleaning up the peels and he and the silver-back got along fine as long as didn't make the mistake that idjit did in San Fran. He did however, continue to load up 'King Kong's' breakfast basket with fruits, nuts and vegetables so popular on the Left-Coast. Some e-mails to surviving zoo-keepers in San Fran confirmed this diet with the stern warning that he only serve this particular Ape organic natural fruits from trees or bushes and NO substitutes.

He broke his meandering thoughts and looked at his wife standing with her hands on her hips staring down at the cross-legged Ape. The Ape paid her no mind and seemed quite content in devouring his morning meal. He knew this pissed her off. Any male that didn't cow-tow instantly for her attentions really pissed her off. She started pacing up and down the corridor strumming up some ridiculous poses Madonna would be proud to call her own. The Ape barely paid attention. Diego' was right about this one. This Ape could care less.

"Well My Dear" he blurted out, "seems you struck out with this older fellow. Shall I go get Diego' and have him send 'Kink Kong' out and let his lesser kin males in? You know how impressed those juvenile boy apes are with you. Maybe they'll go Lady GaGa over your posings like they always do"?

"Oh yeah! Buddy boy-o-mine"! She shrieked, "Watch this"! She stood close to the glass and angrily ripped her blouse open, delicate buttons bouncing off the bulletproof glass. Her pink lace corset somewhat exposed her upwardly protruding, heaving breasts. Her nipples were as hard as obsidian and directed right at the ape's face like a Nun using a pointer on a blackboard for emphasis.

'King Kong' looked down at his basket, picked out a ripe strawberry, flicked it in the air with his thumb and caught it in his wide open, grinning mouth.

'Damn!' the husband thought, 'this Ape is a tough nut'. "Perhaps 'King Kong' will be impressed if you unlace that corset and show him your, oh so firm, real McCoys"!

For the 1st time, she did as he commanded. She sensually began unlacing that damn contraption she loved beyond reason and her breasts were openly exposed in all their unbounded grandeur of glory.

'King Kong' picked out another ripe strawberry, popped it into his mouth and let out another grin while lightly beating his fists upon his chest.

'Now that's more like it' the Husband mused, he had done the same thing on many occasions doing the 'Tarzan' pound on his own chest when she got around to killing his suspense and exposed those luscious beauties and strawberry delights. 'Now back to businesses his brain commanded'.

"Hey Sweetheart' he said in a barely audible voice, "Perhaps 'King Kong' wishes his basket was filled with only fresh cherries. Now the light is really low here and he can't see through that lovely crinoline skirt of yours like the others did at the 'Gardens'. Take it off. Those pink transparent lace panties of yours will give him a fleeting glance of that Royal Jade Gate you labor so hard in keeping to your meticulous fashions".

She turned to him and gave her famous Medusalin stare. If she could have, she would have turned him into a pile of stone. She did as he commanded regardless. Off came the crinoline skirt which she tossed over her shoulder without a care in the world for its fate. She stood close to the glass looking down at the Silver-Back, arms straight down at her sides. 'King Kong' looked up, setting the breakfast basket to his side in the same motion. He stood and came to the glass. They were nearly nose to nose and eyeball to eyeball till she broke the stare and her chin dropped to her breasts looking downward; wide eyed.

'King Kong' then stared into the Husbands eyes, raised his arm and hand and pointed a finger down the corridor. He gave a nod and began walking in side steps toward the zoo-keepers entrance door 60' down the corridor. His Wife's eyes remained riveted where they were and she let out a moan and a sigh each time the Silver-Back made the side-step and she followed in unison coordination. The Husband was two steps ahead of them, a 1st when it came to his Wife. He took the opened lock off the hasp and grabbed his Wife when she arrived by the shoulders. She had fire in her eyes as they had their last parting glance; "Now tell that big hairy ugly freaked out Ape you have a frigging headache and all you're other damned excuses"!

He shoved her through the door into the Silver-Back's open arms and acknowledged the Ape's big grin with his own. "Perhaps this new 'King Kong' will do as his predecessor did in diddling Fey Wray on a date atop the Empire State Building. Try not to always look down like your doing now. You know the heights will frighten you out of your panties"!

He slammed the door, locked it with a new lock. He made his way back down the corridor without looking back through the clear glass. Just one more task to perform and his business on this day or any other day would be complete, Finis, No-Mas.

He hatched his final plan on the limo ride back home to the 'Loft with a View' in the former meat packing district of Manhattan. He and his wife had some great debates about 'settling' here. 'View my ass'! Not unless you considered the 'Hellfire Club' as a preview of where you were really headed at the end of it all. She wanted to be close to her confounded Galleries as well as that damn club she said, "Has a special place in my heart". The door man greeted him as he opened the door to the limo and asked "where is the latest Lady of the Loft Sir? I heard you both went out by cab early this morning".

He actually liked the this particular Door Man. He was a real down to earth guy with no pretenses towards the 'rich assholes' who had taken over the damn neighborhood. He tried to be as affable as he could muster in saying to this Man he respected; "The 'Lady' got bored with her shenanigans at the Botanical Gardens and decided she would rather be at the Empire State Building monkeying around with a big business banana. Guess she's in one of her 'rare' moods".

The Door Man nodded his knowing nod and asked; "When shall I be expecting her Sir"?

"When ya see a lot of single engine bi-winged planes" he answered, "Flying around the Empire State Building. She may be back not long after that happens. But don't be worrying. It's not a Terrorist attack"!

They all knew just how kooky his 'Ladies' were and he wasn't too far behind. He opened up the Front Door and let him in, shook his head and went about his business of the day.

He got off the elevator and entered the Loft. He had already prepared and laid out in the kitchen and fridges just what he needed to complete a 5 course dinner. He warmed the ovens and the Bain-Marie. He would have it prepared in a jiffy and the drop of his Yankee Cap. No worries there.

Now off to the 'meditation room' in the silk kimono he slipped into and cherished. He had no idea why she called this her 'peace room' other than to practice hanta-yoga and a variety of other weird exercises to, as she put it; 'strengthen and enhance my Jade Gate's Soul'; He no quarter for the clue bus as to what the hell that meant to any sentient being with even a tiny modicum of sense. Religious Icons were everywhere to reflect whatever flavor of beliefs that happened to tickle her fancy on any particular day.

The only thing he had added, over her boisterous tantrum and profanity laced objections; was an Ancient Samurai Sword and its matching dagger. He stared at its placement on the bootleg purchased Ivory mantle. Just above, screaming for the world to see is an elegantly framed, tastefully done nude of her by one of her favorite artisans. She had become Andy Warhol legendary in accomplishments and captured his wife in all her glory and perfection, especially her now infamous, Jade Gate. This artisan had succeeded in making herself rich and his wife richer. It didn't matter to him now but his wife would live on forever in the uncanny lithographs they sold to eager collectors. These witting folks plunked down thousands of dollars for each artist & subject autographed copy.

He reached up and gently took the Samurai's Dagger from its sheath. It was as sharp as his Father had described in his definition of love: 'Love is no more that a razor sharpened fine wire which separates it from its opposite emotion; Hate. You will spend an entire lifetime learning how to walk it without agony and painful pitfalls'.

He took the finely honed blade, walked to and knelt on his bamboo mat, knees splayed, facing the fireplace. To each side on the stone floor was a bronzed statue of Buddha. In the center, there because he admired the sense of humor the crazy artisan friend of his wife had in sculpting it, was a giant toad with his face etched into it with fine detail. He knew the Artist would see the ironic tragic irony in the solemn act of seppuku he was about to commit.

He had no need of the Samurai's sword as he read from the wiki description lying on the floor besides him.

"Aside from the purpose of being spared prolonged anguish until death, both the condemned and those on hand to observe are spared the spectacle of the writhing death throes that would ensue. The use of a kaishakunin is normally reserved for one who is performing the deed out of honor, rather than in disgrace. For example, a warlord who is defeated in battle and has chosen to commit seppuku might be appointed a second so that he may die respectably, as opposed to a samurai who has been ordered to die for some crime, or for having disgraced his clan through dishonorable deeds".

There would be no second on this momentous life ending occasion. What he had done to his wife was a dishonor he could not live with. He would attempt to recapture that lost honor as described in the Bushido texts of the Warrior.

He steeled himself for the agonizing pain the Dagger's razor sharp steel blade was about to inflict upon him with just one even stroke of disembowelment. He hoped his wife would forgive him for the dishonor he bestowed upon her and that damned Ape when he came to a crashing end on the pavement of NYC.

He grabbed the hilt of the dagger and positioned it for the deeply swift cut….

Just at that moment he heard the nagging of his video buzzer by Herman the Door Man. He got up and went to the video screen and answered that persistent buzz.

'Damn it hell Herman! I'm really busy here. I'm acting out the final scene in that cockamamie screenplay for the 'Friends' reunion. A frigging lunatic had to have written this crapola! Now what is it"?

"My humble apologies Mr. LeBlanc. There are several people here to see you. I actually had them write down all their names.

'Oh hells bells' he thought, 'he was so caught up in acting out this whacky screenplay that he forgot all of his friends from the 'Friends' cast were coming for dinner and a reading afterwards. Hmmmm…should he tell them about the model he hired to act out Phobee's Sister's part? Nah. She was a real hottie and he hoped to see her again under non-paying circumstances. And WOW! What a frigging 'Jade Gate' that lady has! That he might just pay for if she made payment a part of the equation

'Damn', that damn buzzer again broke his thought; "Mr. Leblanc??? What shall I do? These folks seem to becoming somewhat impatient. I'm sorry for the further intrusions".

"Please let them into the vestibule. I'll buzz them in. Jennifer knows the way up and so does Lisa. The others can follow them. I'm sorry also Herman; you know how I get when I'm on an acting mission for the day. Thanks for being so patient".

A few moments later he let them all into his Loft after going to the fridge. He hugged each one separately and they all gathered for a group hug. He reverted to the 'Joey' character;

"So…how ya's all doing? You all look great! Who the hell was the moronic idjit who wrote this exercise in 'lets see how nutsy I can be'. Geesh! We actually paid someone to do this"?

Ross, in character, answered; "it was that wacky Irishman of a writer who always wrote your character in some ridiculous scenes. Fergus…..hmmmm….Mic…Mac something or other. Those Irish and their damn prefixes. But Jennifer, Lisa and Courtney wrote in the Phobee's Sister's character for the Ha! Ha's"!

"That drunken son of a Banshee! I'd put an Irish curse upon him but the French beat me to it with that soccer & FIFA cheating crap. You know those damn French….if ya can't win it fair & square; cheat. I won't visit Paris France anymore. My Master Card won't work there. The French don't know the meaning of the word 'Charge'. On second thought here is the Irish curse on that Fergus Guy. May his peat fire only ignite when he has to burn all those silly jokes his fellow writers use". Joey stood in righteous indignation.

'Ross', in character answered, "C'mon LeBlanc! What the hell do you know about Irish curses? You're freaking French yourself despite the credit card snafus".

'Joey' in character answered, "You know nothing about those 'Wild Irish Geese'. They will all flock home to Ireland at some point. You know how those 'geese' mated with the inhabitants of every country they went to. Just like the US, there are tons of Irish in the woodpiles behind sheds all over the world. As for you three Ladies (pointing at Courtney, Lisa and Jennifer) may the next 12 guys you meet be impotent to lust. May the 13tnth knock each of ya's up with quadruplets?"

Courtney answered in her own righteous indignation; "Now hold on there LeBlanc! Two of us are married and don't screw around. And Jennifer's curse wouldn't be a curse at all! She would just make Angelina jealous and make her and Brad adopt some more of those kids. What the Hell"?

Matthew Perry stepped in and plopped the 'real scripts' onto the coffee table; "enough of these Irish curses. Let's all have that magnificent dinner LeBlanc is so famous for. Lisa has her guitar and swears she'll have Phoebe serenade us all with 'The Monkey has Hemorrhage song' she wrote for this occasion. And by the way LeBlanc….we all GOTCHA"!

They all filed out towards the dining room. LeBlanc's treasured silk kimono came open above his speedo shorts with a dark red streak on his belly and the garments.

"Oh My God LeBlanc"! Courtney screamed as they all stopped dead in their tracks; "You really cut yourself with that damn Samurai dagger didn't you"?

LeBlanc took a finger and rubbed the red streak; put his finger to his mouth and laughingly blurted out: "Tastes great! You guys will love it too. Homemade barbecue stuff I rustled up! So how ya's all doing now"?

"Gotchas too!"

Fade out

THE END