Clairvoyant Predicts Same Christmas Killjoy Health and Safety Bollocks

Rocking around the Christmas Tree is bad for your health

In the year 2000, believe it or not, the following press release was put out by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents

"Rocking around the Christmas tree could be one of the quickest ways to land in hospital as the party season gets into full swing, The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents warned today.

Of about 80,000 accidents expected in the home over the Christmas and New Year break - around 1,000 are likely to be caused by Christmas trees. Most will result from branches poking into people's eyes, others will cut themselves trimming the tree to shape and some will fall off ladders while adding the decorations.

David Jenkins, RoSPA Product Safety Adviser, said: "As well as trees, our other big worry is the growing popularity of candles and the increasing number of fires resulting from their use. Definitely do not put lighted candles on Christmas trees and keep them well away from other trimmings or combustible materials like curtains.

"Naked flames should never be left unattended and candles should always be in a stable holder. Make sure you have put them out before going to bed."

Christmas tree lights are expected to lead to more than 300 accidents and RoSPA's advice is to buy new ones which will either be transformed down to a lower voltage or double insulated. The ones that people repeatedly bring out of the loft each year could well be unsafe.

Gift wrappings, cards, glue and adhesive tape are likely to claim hundreds of victims. Look out for small parts falling off decorations or presents as these can choke children.
Thousands will have slips and falls over presents or on fat spilled on the kitchen floor. Too much alcohol is also likely to lead to falls or is sometimes drunk by children polishing off the remains of drinks from the previous night's party. If guests are staying, keep stairs well lit and free from obstacles such as toys.

Even camp-beds put up to accommodate friends and relations lead to accidents - often when people forget they are there and stub their toe or fall over them.

"With a little more care and planning people can have an accident-free Christmas," David Jenkins said. "

Clairvoyant predicts same old bollocks

Our clairvoyant Krystal Boyle predicts that we can expect the same old bollocks as usual this year - as if we needed her to tell us that!

Personally I really believe that most people aren't so fucking stupid. Accidents that happen aren't due to Christmas trees or other inanimate things themselves they are actually the fault of you and me, and the things we do with the help of a little alcohol and stress. Trees don't poke you in the eye; they don't lie in wait to pounce on some unsuspecting reveler. Also 80 000 people is only 0.13 of the total population - that sounds very much like natural selection under environmental pressure to me. Accidents are good for us

RoSPA no idea of how many accidents Christmas might prevent

Anyway, groups such as RoSPA never publish anything concerning the statistics of accidents that would usually happen on a typical day if it wasn't Christmas. Nor do they publish estimates of how many of those expected accidents on a normal day don't happen because it is Christmas. Nor, do they give us any idea of which of the figures is greater or less.

This year we have seen in one UK town already the evidence for the crassness of a local government bureaucracy killjoys who have replaced the annual Christmas tree with a plastic and aluminium cone with LED's, no baubles, tinsel not even a paolitically correct fairy. Merry bloody Christmas to them! How does that sit with their Green policies? How much energy did it take to produce the aluminium? Aluminium metal requires so much energy to smelt from its oxide that a whole mountain was hollowed out somewhere in New Zealand to build a hydroelectric power station to just to provide the power for one production plant! They even use aluminium to smelt other metals such as iron in the thermite process because it gobbles up oxygen like John Prescott scoffs pies.

Personal incitement to riot and civil disorder on countrywide scale

This year I, yes that's me, am going to do something that isn't a spoof, it's real, are you ready? I personally and with great vigor incite you, yes that's urge and incite YOU, to riot at every sign of such festive health and safety imbecility. I tell you to the comfort of your homes and gather in thousands in front of the offices of those responsible for this bollocks and sing with great gusto the following song, a protest carol to Christmas killjoys everywhere.

Alternatively you might like to sing

"Fuck off you stupid mental men"

RoSPA have their own Christmas carol that they sing around their fireproof, plastic trees, topped with organic non-toxic salt-dough models of paraplegic, black, traveling lesbian amputees, at their own 'Winterval' festivities. These are carefully designed and thought up to be one hundred percent safe and offend nobody except 100% of the British Christian community.

The Holly and the Ivy when both are now full grown
Be careful walking in the woods they'll cut you to the bone
Bythe glaring of the sun the running of the deer
Will see you end in hospital by colliding with your car

Oh the Holly bears a branch that will fall and hit you-thud!
Don't go near anyone's bleeding head without your latex gloves
Oh the glaring….

I'l let you make up the rest!

Have a risky Christmas!