Mitt Romney, under increasing pressure to keep certain details about his past a secret, decided to sit down with his son, Matt Romney, and have a chat last week, according to a witness.
"First of all, don't talk about Mormons," said the Republican presidential hopeful. "I do not wish to address that issue, so keep quiet! Not even a BYU co-ed joke, do you understand?"
His son replied, "Okay,...
10. According to my horoscope, that's what I was supposed to do.
9. My dad drank too much.
8. My girlfriend drinks too much.
7. Being sober around drunk people sucks.
6. Dry heaves are almost as good as crunches - and that's on top of my smoker's cough!
5. Artists, musicians and writers always drink too much - that's just the way it is.
4. I'm tired of feeling left out.
3. I'm...
To be performed by a San Francisco staging design team.
Move My Hump
What you gonna with all that junk?
All that junk inside your house?
"I'mon make, make you clean it out.
Clean it out. Clean it out."
What you gonna do with all that cash?
All that cash inside your purse?
"I'mon make, make, make you work.
Make you work. Make you work.
"And have you move my hump.
My hump, m...
Howdy, folks! My name is Cherry Cockburne, and today I'm going to discuss three ways you can use proper keyword selection to achieve Search Engine Optimization, or SEO.
As many of you may remember from our last session, SEO is a way to improve the visibility of your web site or web page by increasing the odds that it will appear among search engine results. This gives your site more exposure, o...
O WILD WIND, thou breath of Vuvuzelas' being,
Thou in whose presence the players
Are driven, like sailors to a siren's call,
Their flags with stripes and fields of green and white,
Black and blue, bloody and hectic red, and tarnished yellow,
And insignia of pestilence-stricken multitudes! Oh, thou
Who chariotest to their fruitful harvest
The teams that laid low throu...
Dr. Wheelan, a conservation coordinator for the American Birdwatching Association, is filming across the street from Blackwater Petrol's response command building in Louisiana.
He is standing in a field when he is approached by a police officer.
Officer: "How are you this afternoon, sir?"
Wheelan: "Fine, how ..."
Officer: "Can I see some identification, sir?"
Wheelan (reaching for...
Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. Lawton, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen:
I accept these noble and prized accolades for having randomly achieved Featured Writer status at a moment when hundreds of U.S. and U.K. citizens are engaged in a creative endeavor to make us laugh at the world - and despite the world - around us. I accept these accolades on behalf of writers that move with deter...
It's funny how stuff accumulates like sediment. When I first considered posting these George W. Bush quotes, I thought, "That's sort of a cop out." I didn't think it would be much work, you see, not like writing an actual magazine article. Just a simple cut and paste job, right?
Well, not exactly. I started collecting these Dubya quotes as an unpublished story well over a year ago, mainly so I...
As the U.S. finally begins to show signs of economic recovery - after 8 years with the nation's first Master of Business Administration at the helm - rich guys everywhere, hoping for a mid-term election upset, have begun pandering to America's largest voting bloc: Less privileged whites, including uneducated rural Christians, homophobic rednecks, trailer park trash, even racist bigots who wear the...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice President Joe Biden was surprised when he replied to a knock on his office door this morning and found himself eye to eye with former President George W. Bush.
"What the hell do you want?" Biden is reported to have asked.
"I came to claim my award," replied Bush.
"And what award is that?" queried Biden, folding his arms defiantly.
"Don't play dumb with me," stat...
VISTA, CA - As a punishment for her iniquities, reigning Miss California has been assigned to submit the following in writing:
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
Psalm 31:6
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
Psalm 31:6
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
Psalm 31:6...
When I came into this world, I was a part of someone. My mother squeezed me out of a small, dark, aqueous environment inside her, and I burst forth into a strange, bright new world of air and unlimited space. My life as a true individual only began the moment the doctor cut the umbilical cord shared by my mother and me. I was helpless; instincts, instructions programmed into the genetic materia...
SAN FRANCISCO - Is there anyone who's never seen a Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote cartoon? Someone who's never heard of Acme? Over the years, Warner Brothers' cartoon division has produced some of the funniest cartoons and one of the most colorful and identifiable casts of characters in the history of animation. Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, Sylvester and Tweety, Speedy Gonzal...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Ahh, the Burger, that sinfully delicious, tender and juicy, cherished American classic. I don't mind telling you, there are not many things I enjoy more than a really good burger. Perhaps the only thing better is a cheeseburger. I often substitute a veggie patty, but most red-blooded Americans aren't too keen on this idea, so let me share with you some secrets to making a ri...