In a pathetic attempt to become more popular and 'fit in', sometime Spoof writer and occasional giver of terrible advice, Madame Bitters has decided to try her hand at a Christmas Carol re-write.
Here is the fruit of her efforts:
Uncle Claude is Comin' to Town
(sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
You'd better lock up the kiddoes to-day
A man in a van is headed your way...
Hello, all:
If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I've been absent from my advice column for well over 6 months.
What can I say? I've been exploring other projects and growing as a writer.
What, did you thing I was going to say I was sorry?
Do you even know me?
If you do know me (and if you don't, you really should) then you'd know that I never use the 's-word'...
The Streets of Bordello Falls
Chapter 5
Love and Whiskey Make the World Go 'Round!
Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four
Madame Bitters cracked the heavy velvet cutains that framed her office window in response to the gunshot she'd just heard. She was just in time to see the Deputy falls to the dusty street.
It seemed Deputy Slim Pickens was the latest law enforceme...
I've often wondered what my life would be like if I opened a candy shoppe.
Fucking awesome is how it would be!
My candy shoppe would be in a small town on Main Street, USA. You know the kind I mean- the street is clean and free of potholes and speed bumps. Stately trees line the street and the sidewalks are free of litter and homeless people.
My candy shoppe would be little bit seperated...
Dear family,
After much soul searching- and with the help of a bottle of malt liquor- I have decided to kill myself. I know I've always said that "you'll outlive me over my dead body," but circumstances have changed.
You might be sad about my impending death, but we both know it's for the best. There's no denying that I'm a lousy wife, mother, poker player, ventriloquist and type setter.
Bargis Tryhol, aka Agent 004, aka The Man With the World's Largest Penis was a cautious man. How else would he have been able to stay in the game for so long if he weren't?
But as he got out of his Alfa Romero and surveyed the scene something nagged at his unconcious.
The street was clogged with traffic; expensive forigen cars creeped along as their respective drivers kept an eye out for par...
Stardate: WTF?
Yeoman Bitters flipped through a well loved back issue of a publication called Kinky Klingons in the ship's library.
The Starship Enterprise's "library" was in actuality a massive collection of porn mags ranging from relitavly tame Star Sluts to vomit inducing 2 Vulcans, 1 Cup.
Why am I here? yeoman Bitters wondered for the umpteenth time. She closed the magazine (which sh...
Below Decks
Chapter 4: The Best Laid Plans
Recap: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three
Madame Piebottom, the sole sibling of Horatio Hornblower, sat on the floor of ship's brig with her back against the wall, both literally and figurativly.
A raging battle was going on only a couple hundred feet above her, yet she barely noticed the explosions of the canons, the screams of dying...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
Madame Bitters, why are you such an uncaring bitch?
I've been reading your column since you started posting on theSpoof.com and I am horrified by your "advice". It's not only wrong-headed but some of your suggestions are dangerous and illegal.
Your "advice" is going to hurt someone one day and then what are you going to do? I don't know how you sleep at night.
S...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
I'm so upset with my twin brother and my girlfriend that I just don't know what to do! "Staci" and I have been going together since junior year of high school and she's the only girl I've ever loved. We're both 20 now and lately we've been talking about marriage. I thought everything was fine but three days ago she told me that she and my brother "Keith" have been have b...
The Story of Creation
Genesis 1:1 - 2:3
In the beginning, before God got to creating stuff there weren't much around. 'Cept darkness and water. Nothing else, though. God would fix that PDQ.
The first day God must've got tired of wandering around in the dark because He made light. I reckon He was happy with it 'cause He seperated from it the dark- sorta like you would put all your bolts in o...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
I've had my job for a little over 3 years and I haven't been promoted yet. I work hard on my projects and I do a good job, but nothing's come of it. In fact, I've trained two people below me and they've already been moved up. I'm getting very discouraged and I'm thinking about quitting. What do you think I should do?
Depressed in Duluth, MN
Depressed:
I've got t...
Deareat Madame Bitters,
I'm 63 and the proud grandmother of three wonderful grandchildren. "Kaleb," is five and twins "Karmen" and "Kasey" are four. Their father, "Steve" is my son. Steve and my daughter in law both work full time and I take care of my grandchildren while they work. One of them drops the kids off at 8 am and one of them picks the kids up around 6 pm. This is the routine Monday-...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
My husband, 'Terry' and I seperated in early May of this year after fourteen years of marriage and our divorce was finalized last week. While I'm relieved that Terry and I are no longer married, I was with him for a good chunk of my life and I'm just not used to being alone. I'm only 34 and I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. How can I deal?
-Flummoxed in Gran...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
Yesterday when I came home from work early I got the shock of my life. I walked in on 'Stan,' my husband of 8 years dressed up in women's clothing, some of which are mine. He was even wearing panyhose, heels and makeup! Stan swears to me he isn't gay and that he dresses in women's clothing to 'unwind.' He also confessed he's been doing it since he was a teenager. I don't...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
My wife and I are at our wit's end. The IRS has accused us of tax evasion. According to them we owe 2.1 million dollars in back taxes. We don't have the money and there's a possibility we'll be sent to federal prison. What can we do to beat this?
Terrified Couple- in Olympia, WA
Terrified Couple:
"Since I'm not a tax attorney, or any other kind of attorney I'm unq...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
I have had a weight problem my whole life and right now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won't budge. Please help me, I'm desperate.
-Fat & Frustrated in MS
Fat & Frustrated:
Normally I don't answer questions about diet and weight related issues and it's not because I don't know what I'm talking about. I...
Dearest Madame Bitters,
I'm a single woman well into my 30's and I'm more than ready to settle down. I'm dating a man who is sweet and considerate, but he is a loser in every other sense. He's a garbage man, he's 50lbs overweight and a horrible dresser. He goes to comic book and sci-fi conventions and he says, "Okie dokie," way, way too much. He's crazy about me and he wants to make a life with...
To: All of My Loyal Readers/Minions
Ah, the Holidays.
It's the time of year when people gather with their families and gorge themselves on the flesh of animals and other fatty foods. It's the time of year when parents are hounded by their kids into buying them insanely expensive toys that will ultimately be forgotten 20 minutes after said gift is opened.
It's also the time of year that t...
My Dearest Madame Bitters,
I've got a real dillema that I hope you can help me with:
I'm one of three department heads in a large office. I work closely with another department head, "Sue". She wants to be a lot more than co-workers, if you know what I mean. In addition to the possibility of being fired, I'm not attracted to this woman at all. Any advice?
-Pursued in TX
To Pursue...