I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. My life's become rather complicated lately. Since I wrote to you last I have run off with two acrobatic twins from the Moscow State Circus. We enjoy the most fantastic sex, sometimes without even being in the same room.
I had to leave Moscow suddenly because I murdered a babushka one morning at the bus stop. It was her or me. She was armed with a s...
Yes, Halloween is upon us once again. The night of the Witches is traditionally celebrated by children dressing up in scary costumes and then terrorising elderly neighbours into giving them their cash.
But Halloween is also the time for the humble pumpkin to take centre stage. On October 31st this rarely eaten big berry suddenly becomes all the rage. Pumpkin pie, made from the leftovers after a...
Many people may be confused about the British Government. Here we provide a cut out and keep guide to the new cabinet.
Prime Minister: Lord Snooty. Old Etonian, Bullingdon Club, champagne swilling Dave the Rave. Likes beating servants and toasting crumpets on teenage boys.
Deputy Prime Minister: Nick Fagg. Promises to do whatever Lord Snooty says in return for a chance to pretend to be the P...
Thank you, member of NHS staff, for taking the time to complete this questionnaire. Please fill it in anonymously and return it in the envelope provided.
1. You are working on a busy ward, full of elderly patients. One of the patients is in extreme discomfort and wants urgent assistance. You are busy helping another patient. Do you:
a) drop whatever you are doing and rush to help
b) tell...
Have you ever thought that you may in fact be a Russian? Are you a follower of Trotsky, or did you just love Dr Shivago? If so, you may really be a Russian. To help you find out if you really are a Russian, take the following test:
1) You are waiting at the bus stop in the morning. The bus arrives. Do you:
a) Wait patiently in a queue until it is your turn;
b) allow an old lady to go before y...
Dear Geoff
My life is a mess. The girl I love doesn't even notice me. I've had to quit my job because everyone thinks I'm crap. I grew a beard but I look like a twat.
I feel so lonely. Please help me Geoff. I have nowhere left to go. I feel like I'm running out of time.
Adrian, West Bromwich
Well, lad you are in a mess. Running out? I know all about that. Just ask Derek Randall. If y...
Colonel Saunders is pleased to announce the arrival of his new Spring menu, available at his restaurants in central London.
Why not try the following mouth watering offerings:
The Minger Tower Bugger Me Meal- a stacked burger with rat droppings, cat sick, dead flies and the Colonels secret spices.
Snot Wings-Dead pigeon wings covered in snot from an illegal immigrant employed to work in...
The Kit Kat
We all know how the advert goes.
"Have a break. Have a Kit Kat"
What we don't concentrate on is the story of the chocolate covered fingers. It's hardly surprising when you consider that people have been murdered in a bid to cover up the truth.
Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence and Avondale (1864-1892) the grandson of Queen Victoria was a sexual hedonist and a frequent...
Gordon Brown signaled the beginning of his General Election campaign by declaring "No more Mr Nice Guy". The Prime Minister promised new hard-line policies for a new tougher Britain.
I can reveal these policies exclusively:
The closing of the Channel Tunnel. Gordon Brown says "I've never liked the Frogs. That Sarkozy is a sawn off little garlic eating monkey."
Compulsory serving of gruel...
The ginger nut. Who would have thought that this innocent looking morsel could have helped to bring down the greatest empire known to mankind.
Gingiber Lamnia was a condition which affected wealthy young men in Rome. The main symptom was a red, itchy patch around the genitals. If untreated it could lead to insanity and possible death.
In occupied Gaul the medical condition was openly mocked...
The use of jam in biscuits was nothing new, but Britain after world war two was an austere place. There were shortages of many items and trade union militancy grew. Professional football was no different to any other sector of society. Jimmy Hill, an inside forward with Fulham, was the most militant of footballers. In 1957 he became leader of the Professional Footballers Association (PFA).
Hill...
The custard cream was invented by St Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274). His idea for a custard sandwich came during the Second Custard War which engulfed all of Europe in 1256. Custard was scarce and the price soared. Aquinas saw how the poor often went without custard for weeks on end. There had to be some way to share out the custard resources evenly.
Aquinas was a deep thinker. He was known as Doc...
Only just midday in the Moscow suburbs. The sun was shinning and it had finally stopped snowing. A pleasant day for National Defender of the Nation Day. Or so I thought.
The doorbell rings. I'm in the middle of a work project. I ignore it. My wife is out, I'm not expecting company and I've work to do. The doorbell rings again. Once more. Again.
I decide to open the door. Big mistake. It's Iv...
You said that anybody could just drop you a line to ask for your help or to make suggestions. I'd like to take you up on that offer if I may?
Firstly, can I suggest that you try to keep the place a little cleaner? Ok, a lot cleaner. I haven't noticed any street sweepers in the capital. Where are they all? Siberia?
Oh, they are. Sorry. They were guilty of anti-Russian practices so you shipped...
Dynamo Moscow are one of the most famous names in European football. Just after the second world war they visited England and played against Chelsea, thus providing an early link between Russia and the West London team.
Despite the long, proud history Dynamo Moscow are about as popular as a dissident at Putin's datcha. Could this be that Dynamo Moscow are the team of the KGB?
When the commen...
Door jaw has claimed yet another victim. Moscow's hospitals fill up with people wounded by the heavy, old Soviet doors of the Metro station. You only have to slightly mistime your entrance and you are suddenly making a horizontal exit.
One recent visitor to Moscow who became another victim is Mr Stig O'Treacy. Here he tells his story.
"I was heading for Mayakovska metro station. I'd managed...
Dorian Grey was was an attractive man. He could have his pick of women from any nation. He had chosen Olga Ogleova, a statuesque Russian beauty with flashing green eyes and long blond hair.
One cold dark winter's morning Dorian was heading to catch the bus to work. At the bus stop a large crowd had gathered. Dorian pulled his ear flaps down to keep out the chill. It was then that he noticed one...
Ciggy Tarbrush threw up into the waste bin. "Yet another shit gig in a shit town" he thought as he remembered last night. The band were all over the place as usual. Things started ok, but then Dingo Starsi had collapsed into his drum kit. Too much of Gwatkin's Old Skullcrusher.
Following Dingo's collapse the bass player, Stung, had decided to down a litre of Thunderclap Special. That was him ou...
Goodbye Jerusalem's Queen,
Though I never knew you at all
You had a fantastic arse
Those around all agreed
They crawled up your butt cheeks
And whispered into your brain
"Do you mind if I shoot my load?'
And they made you do it again.
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a poofter in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the urge set in
And I would have liked to bum you...
And Jesus did enter into James' house and didst say unto him "You are my beloved. I love you more than any of the other guys who I hang around with."
And James did blush at the words of Jesus. For James did worship Jesus and did regularly go down on his knees before him.
They went to James' bedroom and they did remain there for three whole days. On the third day they rose, as if from the dea...
Gary Potter waved his wand and suddenly he was in Hagworts, an old school building which looked suspiciously like another. He had caught the train earlier at Platform 7 and 1/2, which was very close to another, very similar platform.
When Gary Potter had arrived his friends, the rather cute girl and the ginger one, were waiting for him. The ginger one was extremely agitated. "Gary, the shit's h...
Good day and welcome. It's great to back with another corridor of uncertainty. I've been tied to my mother's pinny since my last installment. Now I'm back and here is a belter of a letter from little Ashley.
Dear Geoff,
I have a problem. I can't sleep unless I'm completely naked and people take photos of me. Strange, isn't it? Recently I was sleep walking naked when I tripped and fell. As l...