Mr. Peanut had just arrived in Washington, D.C. driving his hybrid P-Nut-o-Mobile. He zoomed past The White House straight down Pennsylvania Avenue to Congress. He was scheduled to speak before the Congressional Finance Committee. While he was waiting in the wings, reporters, spotting the leguminous icon, dressed in top hat and walking cane, mobbed him. As Mr. Peanut gamely posed for photograph...
Ode to Daschle and Obama on the Eve of Their Mutual Embarassment
Daschle, the Cabinet-hopeful, said,
"To hell with paying the tax.
I'm huge, I'm great, I'm God's Gift
So I'll just 'phony' the facts."
Obama said, "Fine with me,"
'Til he was hurt by all the fuss,
That's when he picked up Daschle
And threw him under the bus.
The End...
One of the first decisions in the Obama administration
Biden: Well, now what do we do?
Obama: Send him to Gitmo.
Biden: You can't do that!
Obama: I'm the President.
Biden: But you just ordered it closed.
Obama: I don't care. Send him to Gitmo now!
Biden: OK... but what do we tell Mrs. Daschle?...
Intro: The scene - a dark alley between a barber shop and a garage. In the shadow sits a man on a garbage can pretending to be asleep. Down the alley walks another man, smaller, slightly tremulous with shifty eyes and beads of sweat running down his face.
Sam: Hey man.
Dude: Whassup, bro?
Sam: Gimme a dime bag, Dude.
Dude: Of what?
Sam: You know…
Dude: Crack?
Sam:...
In the winter of 1943, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Charles De Gaulle converged on Casablanca to discuss Allied war plans. After an arduous day of strategies and tactics, they shuffled off to Rick's "Cafe Americaine" in order to unwind. After a couple of rounds of aperitifs, Charles ambled over to the piano and began tinkling on the "ivories."
Unbeknownst to everyone, there...
What Makes The Illinois Governor Wake Up at Night in a Cold, Wet Sweat When the Demons Come
There once was a Governor named Blagojevich
Whose well-oiled politics hummed till there came a glitch
He tried a Senate seat to sell
For that he may be going to jail
Where he'll oil his cell-mates' backs whenever they get an itch.
A Limerick About Bill & Hillary
A Love Limerick
There was a statesman named Bill
Whose wife would, down his back, cause such a chill
"I'll just tell the Prez it'd be great
If he'd make her Secretary of State
So I won't have to dump her in a Jersey land-fill."...
The CEOs of the Big Three automakers were back before Congress yesterday. They were arguing for a bigger bailout while at the same time they were trying to stifle the bad impression they made two weeks ago when they flew into town on private jets, reeking of arrogance, big money, and a 'Who-the-hell-cares-about-global-warming' attitude.'
What did the Top 10 things GM's Rick Wagoner, Ford's Al...
The inner circle of the nascent Obama administration is wrestling with the concept of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. The problem, according to insiders, is not so much a question of her plainness and incompetency as it is with what to do about her Bill.
Apparently, the former President has become a Democratic embarrassment. While the President-elect and his cronies have been meeting...
In a dimly-lit bar
Along the alleyways of Bangkok
Alone and forgotten
I nursed a bottle
Of JTS Brown
As an Asian goddess
With alabaster skin and
Black-ink hair
Took up residence
On a stool
At the other end
I went over to her
Lit her cigarette
Ordered her another cognac
And asked,
"What is your name?"
"Dae Jah Vuu"
"Haven't we met someplace before?"...
Now that Kwame, the former Mayor of Detroit is in jail and Senator Ted Stevens may soon be joining him, it's not surprising that they'll try to reach out to each other for sustenance and support. Here is a snippet of a conversation accidentally intercepted by Barney Frank's protege' while undercover in a men's room in Butte, Montana:
Kwame: "Hello...hello. Is this Sen. Ted Stevens?"
Ted:...
Yep. A slam of the door. That was your wife…the joy of your life…who gave you no strife. Once upon a time. Now, she's left you. Well, look at the bright side for a second. She took those two pain-in-the-ass kids and that three-legged dachshund. The bitch! The dog, I mean, not your wife. Now, you have complete control of ESPN and Turner Classic Movies. But remember, you may be alone, but t...
On October 18, 1962, Drs. Watson, Crick, and Wilkins won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for work in determining DNA. At first, Watson and Crick had a lot of problems.
Watson figured out "D," but didn't know what the hell to do with it. Then Crick accidentally stumbled upon the "N," but couldn't determine whether it should be "DN" or "ND." Then, one day, Wilkins who was emptying the boys' wa...
Now that the Somali pirates have become more and more audacious in their hijacking endeavors, it was only a matter of time before they became the much-sought-after "darlings" of global news media personalities. So far, these pirates have captured ships, tanks, and a gaggle of the latest Jolie-Pitt adoptees.
One of the most charismatic and daring of these pirates is Abdul 'The Seahawk' Kissamab...
Advice Bill Clinton Should Have Received Before Assuming The Presidency
"You can put lipstick on a pig,
But she's still a pig"
Is a lesson
Moms to their sons
Should be teaching.
Had Bill Clinton
Heard this advice
Before meeting Monica
There would have been
No impeaching.
The End...
The door was invented in 649 AD by a Celtic haberdasher named, Isadore Thwack. Prior to his innovation, the portals of every edifice in the civilized world were open to the rain, the wind, and the occasional blood-thirsty marauder. According to the archives at the St. Benedict monastery in Norwich, Isadore, tired of having his wife and daughters ravished by every passing Viking, sought some devi...
According to AP, "Electric and hybrid vehicles may be better for the environment, but the California Legislature says they're bad for the blind. It has passed a bill to ensure that the vehicles make enough noise to be heard by visually impaired people about to cross a street." I, on the other hand, have my own ideas to accomplish this:
1) Equip the visually-impaired with helmets and rubb...
CNN reports that U.S. counterterrorism officials have said they have seen no evidence to support a media report that al Qaeda's No. 2 official, Ayman al-Zawahiri, may be critically wounded or dead. So, what's up with old Ayman? Really.
Recently, I attended a "wake" and it gave me pause. While my life has been devoted to family and service, no small part of it has also been devoted to sarcasm, cynicism, and irony intermingled with equal portions of low- and high-brow humor.
The Global Food Crisis Summit was held in Rome, Italy this past week. Agricultural ministers, medical experts, and political activists from around the world convened in the Eternal City to resolve the present worldwide food crisis. Below is a copy of the first day's schedule of lectures and activities that have been sponsored by the United Nation's Food and Agriculture Organization.
Prologue: John Adams, apart from his brilliant political attributes, was a man of intense intellectual curiosity. So it comes as no surprise that, in 1785, when he became America's first minister to the Court of St. James, one of his initial visits was to the astronomer, Sir William Herschel, who newly discovered the planet, Uranus. Unfortunately, John went to the wrong address.
The Toe:
A One-Act Play...