'James Brown was feeling good - he had known that he would, like the sugar and spice that his mother had kindly sent him in his POW parcel from distant Bedfordshire, how he wished he could escape from this concentration camp for schoolboys in Berkshire - Blackfriars Stalag Luft VII College for Unwanted Second Sons.
'Oh well', he thought, 'at least I have the soccer match against the Eton Rifles...
As ratings fell heavily down on Walford, a borough of East London, Peggy Mitchell opened the doors of the Queen Vic and another episode of the feeble once-popular soap opera 'Eastenders' began.
''Allo, Peggy', Dot Cotton said to her in that voice that sounds like an undertaker on Prozac's as she went into that public house, 'can I have my usual please?' 'One strychnine wiv arsenic coming up',...
As the Winter Olympics continue in wherever the hell they're taking place in this year, other athletes and sports people were wondering why exactly the Winter Olympics takes place at all.
'Don't ask me', four times gold medal-winning decathlete Daley Thompson said, 'I mean, it just seems like a lot or boring gits from cold countries nobody wants to visit playing boring games and jumping off thi...
In my capacity as a Spoof reviewer who also writes about cooking, I posed myself the question today - how do you review a piece of food? And isn't a review a writeup about a play or a rock band playing or something like that?
But undaunted I opened the day's post and found a box full of frozen turkeys in it! My initial reaction was one of fear, as I know that turkeys spread ghastly pandemics of...
Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? A study of thousands of 11-year old American children in 1969 offered a snapshot of how they imagined their lives would be when they reached 25. Here are a few of their predictions:
Barack Obama: 'When I grow up I hope to go on holiday to America or even become an American, as I have spent all my life on islands in the Pacific Ocean. If I...
American 'grunge' singer and guitarist Courtney Love made a speech to the Oxford Union today, and here it is:
'Yo, students! Listen, ya know my real passion in life ain't coke or heroin or booze or smashing guitars up on stage, no way, Elvis Presley! No, what I really love is quantum physics, man, and all that Greek myth stuff. Yeah, I get up on a Sunday and get out my computer, like, and my 'N...
A modest proposal - to not only teach Americans the history of the English language, but to also teach Americans how to spell its words correctly rather than dropping letters out of words to save space, and misspelling words like primary school children do.
There is nothing troublesome about users of the English language spelling it correctly, and if American children are taught to misspell the...
The Mr. Men and Little Misses, cartoon characters created by Roger Hargreaves 39 years and 233 days ago today, had no anniversary today but were used shamelessly by the BBC to plug their programmes anyway. The characters are still very popular with small children and here is a list of some them:
Mr. Liar: a grinning man that can't stop telling lies - lies about weapons of mass destruction, croo...
The English language (that comes from England); massacring the Red Indians (whose survivors' descendants hate being called 'Native Americans'); avoiding two World Wars while the British risked their entire existence fighting them;
The Oprah Winfrey Show; Tom Cruise movies; believing they're important in a world really ruled from London, Paris, Madrid, Moscow and Beijing;
Not realising they'r...
Inspired by an article here about commemorative plates autographed by rock star Jesus Christ (real name Joshua Tarantino), we tracked down the reclusive singer to his home in East Jerusalem.
At first he refused to do an interview but changed his mind when we offered him thirty pieces of silver, as 'that was how much Judas Iscariot made out of the Romans for trying to frame me as some sort of fr...
US President Barack Hussein Obama today wasn't invited to appear in UK television soap opera 'Eastenders', but as the planned script for her appearance in that episode had to be thrown into the bin - after being censored, of course, by TheFeeblechild.yawn - but this reporter managed to get a copy of it, and here it is:
'[scene: inside the 'Queen Vic' pub in Walcot, London. England. Where green...
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'And 'ere, ladies and a gentlemens, is the display of ancient Egyptian mummies, my mummy is zee one on zee left next to that huge McDonald's sign. Passing on to this stuffed bird we see that it hees a kerry katonae from Iceland, and next to it is what many scientistes believe is the missing link between humans and apes, homo rooney. And now - come on, come on, 'urry up, espece des cochons anglais!...
This week I had the rather dubious pleasure of visiting capitalist Los Angeles, a western town that exists for no known reason. It hasn't changed its name from its Spanish one as Americans can't spell properly, so thought it would be easier to keep the name the same. And then one day the capitalists in that uninteresting city decided to continue oppressing the poor and letting them buy machine-gun...
Morose sat in his home drinking whisky and listening to Verdi's 'Tutti Frutti Butti Call' opera, wondering why someone had come up with a good idea for a parody of his police career but had then ruined it by filling it up with adolescent drivel.
'Probably an adolescent', he deduced, and raised his glass to the portrait of Sherlock Holmes that had been hanged on his wall in 1887 for stealing a t...
I guess it's hard trying to be amusing or interesting, but let me just describe my interesting day to surely interest you all.
I live in a single-cell brain where writing this makes me feel almost intelligent, almost as much as a US President. Only joking, a drug-addicted alcoholic baboon could be the President of the USA, and already has been.
No, what I want to drone on about over and over...
'Gone With The Windbag' opened today in America, and critics instantly hailed it as a classic. 'It's a classic', said Jim Jimbob the Fourtieth, 'lotsa classic twists and very unusual twists, man.' And another critic - Billary Shrillery - also said 'It's a classical classic.'
'It's the movie we've all been waiting for ever since the 40somethingth President of the USA shagged his intern while I s...
Tony Rabbit woke up one morning and said to his friend Cherie 'You know, um, well - um, I think I'll go to Chilcot Rabbit's tea party, then I can have a proper frank discussion about rabbits and dandelions, and constant directions about snails and spinaches of mass destruction', and Cherie yawned and answered 'Don't hurry back then', as she had had her eighty-fifth kitten last week which she had c...
As darkness fell on the huge battlefield at Ypres in France in May, 1918, US Army Corporal Henry Unvunny sat peering at the letter he had finished writing to his family back in Inbreddible, Montana.
'Dear Mom', it said, 'I am here in France, and man, how I hate this place! Them Frenchies have already lost over a million men fighting the Germans and show no sign of giving up, and the British are...
'Nell carefully swept the floor of her grandfather's curiosity shop in West London with a broom, West London with a broom being the unfashionable part of that city, and sighed to herself.
For she was only 14 but always curious about things and wanted to know why the British had put so much effort into defeating Napoleon Bonaparte, and why Tottenham Hotspur would never really achieve anything no...
The classic episode of Fawlty Towers 'The Americans' will once again be shown on BBC1 tonight. Here is the script:
Basil Fawlty: Ah, Polly, you haven't forgotten that the terror alert drill is at one today, have you?
Polly: No.
Fawlty: Good, good. [Phone rings] Hello, Fawlty Towers? Yes, dear, I know the terror alert drill is about to start. Yes, I know the Americans are coming here. Yes.
Former President of the USA George W. Bush had decided to start a new career giving lectures across America, and today he gave his first one to the University of Palindrome in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
'People of Milkiewilkie', he gravely began, 'you all know me as a President. Of America. But, ladies and a gentle man, and boys and girlies, well, heck! I can do just about anything I wanna! So if so...