A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis...
1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Terabyte/sec
This...
Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialling the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing...
Pros:
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You...
There once was a King and Queen who ruled a kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother, who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and needed help ruling his land.
The first king volunteered to help and explained to the queen that his brother's illness may last many months. They would see one another each weekend. Every other weekend the king would journey, on horseback, down from the m...
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.
"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midla...
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you...
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
she went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
when she saw some chimney smoke,
then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
and she'd just removed her pants,
when seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought sh...
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mke says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell you. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me, tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I to...
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady.
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Bi...
You can give up smoking quite easily by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
This would also make a great party game of 'Russian Roulette', and is also the fastest way to lose friends!...
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fr...
SENDING EMAIL:
Sending email is like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to give the right messages and press the right buttons. Then hey presto, it's arrived in her box!
MAKING COFFEE:
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squ...
What do beekeepers get?
HIVES.
What do airline pilots get?
FLU.
What do computer geeks get?
SLIPPED DISCS.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
MISSLE TOE.
What do plumbers get?
WATER ON THE KNEE.
What do workers at McDonald's get?
FALLEN ARCHES.
What do carpenters get?
SHINGLES.
What do spies get?
SEE-SICKNESS.
What do basketball players get?
HO...
Sex is a duty if done with your wife.
It becomes art if done with your lover.
It is classified as education if done with a virgin.
It becomes a business transaction if done with a prostitute.
It could be called Social work if done with a divorcee, or charity work if done with a widow.
However, it can only be called a sacrifice if done with your own hand.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2009 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this ?
It gets worse........Next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - What could go wrong ?...
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding...
Libras
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging.
Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.
Libra is symbolized by the...
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course o...
Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts? Yep, but there is a catch:
Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email. So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard then I'm going to be forced to bone Carlos the pool boy."...
Everyone has heard of Vincent Van Gogh, but how many have ever heard of some of his lesser-known relatives?
Amee Gogh -- His Mexican cousin.
Bing Gogh -- His game playing great-uncle
Bong Gogh -- His drum playing brother
Can't Gogh -- the uncle who was constipated.
Chica Gogh -- The cousin from Illinois.
Day Gogh -- His Italian uncle.
E. Gogh -- his nephew the Freudian psycho-...