The gas station across the street from my apartment doesn't open until 7am, so I took my morning plop plops at the pay toilet down the hall from my apartment. Both stalls are a dime, and it would make more sense to shit in the pay hole down the hall, but now that the apartment house owner has added toilets for transexuals, bi, gay, men, women, and hermaphrodite's, plus extra toilets for un...
I went for a haircut yesterday and walked into the Mohel's shop by accident. It wasn't my fault, those two bastards have the same type sign out front, a pole with dressing on it. A pole's a pole, right? So I went in and sat down and before I knew it, the barber (actually the Mohel) was taking down my pants and reaching for them. I thought, well maybe this is a gay barber shop and this...
As a proud American, I have tried to make my articles on TheSpoof.com family friendly and kind and gentle enough for even children to read before evening prayers. I am Jewish, but I have a Christian sensibility when it comes to our young people...the future of the world.
They finally got around to crowning the new Miss America last night, after leaving Sin City, Atlantic City for Sinner City, Las Vegas. The winner was a nice young girl from Muskogee Oklahoma. They don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee; they don't take their trips on LSD. They also don't burn their draft cards down on Main Street. They like livin' right, and bein' free.
Let's face it. I don't have a lot going in my life, so later today when I install my new shower curtain, I will live on that accomplishment for a week. Some people are multi-taskers. They can juggle a bunch of stuff into a day's life and still get the kids home from soccer practice, fry up a decent dinner for the husband, and then sexulate him once the kids are asleep (I hope to God. P...
I was slinging my papers this morning on the route, when I got to the Hilton (by the way, this is a classy hotel...Their stalls are 25 cents just for regular!). The night clerk told me some celebrities were staying in the hotel, and at first, I think, he was a little reluctant to tell me who they were, but finally he said that Drew Carey and his crew were staying there and were to make a personal...
I am the fattest man in the world. The last time I was taken down to the post office by my brother's wife for a weighing, I came in a just a pinch over 2000 pounds. I don't feel that fat. Like old people who say that they eternally feel 35, I have had the idea that my weight is about 1500 or perhaps 1600 pounds. Not the 2000 that the scale says. I live naked all the time, except when I mus...
I was sitting on the toilet this morning (I found a dime under the Coke machine) reading the paper and George Bush made me gag. Gagging in the restroom is not recommended, but on the back page of the front section (where I assume it will be overlooked) the Associated Press reported that the President has called for the elimination of all tariffs and subsidies, worldwide, to promote peace and prosp...
If I just wanted to get you to read my post and went to the extent of juicing a headline, I would have done even better than that, like "Bush MRI Reveals Brain Fully Intact" or "Yoko Ono and Condi Rice Discovered in Love Nest", but this is a real deal here and as a hetero, I have to deal with my feelings about gay crabs (or transgender...I suppose like the headline says, some c...
Everyone knows that Lassie had several husbands (Jeff and Timmy being the most notable) but how many of you knew she had three mothers?...
As if. Do you think I would submit a piece called the "art of writing" if I knew anything about how to write stuff. What do you take me for? I can barely hold a pencil straight long enough to write down the number of the local pity clinic where I go weekly to get shots of confidence for my lagging libido. And besides none of that has anything at all to do with whether or not I can write.
Well, maybe you don't need to go to jail to have a happy Thanksgiving, but I was feeling quite Mr. Potterish today, as the GD season of peace and love creeps into my butt.
I wanted to write a story. So I needed a subject and a bunch of words. I'd go over to the computer, sit and magically release these words through my fingers into the keyboard, passing them through the hard drive, and out on the screen in order to make a story. I don't have that here. So you think I'm writing a story about not writing a story, and that's my gimmick. That's not a...
My cousins who are in their 70's just got their first computer, and I am in charge of forcing them how to understand how to run the thing. They think I am a genius because I know how to Google, and I can email like a fiend. I will do my best to never disappoint them.
Dad's locksmith shop was a perfect circle. So round that I don't think I can tell you the square footage of the place. It was small though. So small that one day when an epileptic friend of my father's had a fit in the shop, he took up nearly the length of the place, front to back, when he fell.
Stacy Lombard was finishing up his afternoon paper route near the colored section of Little Rock Arkansas in May 1961 when he arrived home to his excited mother exhorting him to "hurry up and get in the house". And though only 13 years old, Stacy was about to embark on an adventure that few Arkansans, few anybodies for that matter, had experienced before. Stacy's great grandfather, E...
I was thinking about the difference between failure and success as I did my paper route this morning. Oh, how I fear success! That seductress who comes to me, only to bray to the world just how ugly I am. Creepy with hypnotic eyes, out only for my already withered soul. Withered from trying to capture the thing that frightens me most. But I want it. The satisfaction of work well done and the money...
Yesterday, our financial ministers throughout the world decided to forgive the heavily indebted nations of Africa about 40 billion dollars owed to us rich countries.
I had lunch at the local International House Of Pancakes today, and yet again, I did not see one even low level functionary of the littlest of countries. You would think (if you thought like me) that a truly "international" pancake house would have at least the King of Liechtenstein as a greeter or gladhander of some sort to reassure us that we were eating in a swanky place. No luck.
How many times, on average, do you get panhandled in a year? Outside Seven Eleven's, churches, bus stops, pay toilets, you name a public gathering spot and chances are you have been shaken down by a nice homeless person several times this past week. How do you handle this without being rude or being beaten to death?...
A couple of weeks ago the hicks from the sticks brought their awards show to cocktail and nightclub country, New York City, in the hope to cosmopolitan country music a bit, and let city folk know that you can be country and still read Truman Capote and attend talks at the YMHA. Ain't gonna happen so easy, pardner. Who's going to clean up the horse shit when all the Jasper's have gone b...
I don't normally talk about dreaming about men. Except he-men like Tony the butcher or Strangler Lewis. If I ever dream about them, I'll post it, then run, far away, hide, and look and see if anyone is calling me a fairy. And I know that most people don't like to hear about others dreams. They're too boring, and blah blah. But this one will excite you!...