Sir,
in view of the fact that Margaret Thatcher is to get a memorial inspired by the American memorial to Ronald Reagan, should she not be called the "Gridiron Lady"?
Arthur Braincell BSc (failed)
Lunt
Sir,
Her Highness Lady Baroness Thatcher was the ultimate role model for all civilised white women. She truly showed that with the application of hard work, brains, sado-masochism, vo...
Well. Here we are. Here we, ooh, no. Ooh. Ah. Ooh, I don't know where to put meself. Don't know which way to turn tonight. Yes, Missus, you've been there, haven't you? Hmm? You've felt my predicament. Look, now don't start. Shut your mouth. Oh, the riff raff we get in here.
But ooh. Ah. No. Don't. Hasn't it been a hard winter? It's been a hard winter. And it's not over yet, I can tell you. Ooh,...
Dear Sir Lancelot,
when the red red robin did you last buy a decent living kettle of fish? I think they have forgotten how to make a popocatepetl proper cat and fiddle kettle these days of wine and roses grow on you. I blame the Chinese whispers, everything seems to be made in China now then now then.
I bought it skipper a kettle drum down in the drink Batley High Street fighting man last we...
Good morning sir, how can I help you?
I'm interested in the poetry of Thomas Hardy.
The poetry of who, sir?
Thomas Hardy.
Poetry, sir?
The poetry of Thomas Hardy, yes.
But this is a stationery store, sir.
So I observe. What of it?
We dont have any poetry books here, sir.
I should think not. No room for that sort of thing here. Not with your groaning shelves so full of al...
Why not visit to Iceland in this periods, it is a jolly good time to have doing so, writes Ralf 'Eric' Projbroffir of the Icelandic Tourism Board of Tourism.
You may will be having a surprised view of your urgings self to have upstarted it!
Faqhur Faquharssen did do, whom having invaded at 896 of in Vjorrskragghvammaey an Iceland island, was so happy to stay where he had good turfing groun...
The Conundrum Club, London, 1895
Colonel Gulper (CG): This Carpetbag Steak's damned chewy, what?
Reverend Milke (RM): With respect, Colonel, that is a carpetbag you've got on your plate.
CG: What? Of course it's a carpetbag, you fool. I just said it was a carpetbag, a deuced chewy one, or are you going deaf in your old age, Reverend, what?
RM: No, Colonel, that is a bag, a carpet bag.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's the Olympics. Another thing I can't stand is all this talk about the weather. You know, 'Oh how terrible the weather is, you wouldn't think it was June', that kind of talk. The other week I was in a shop buying some picture hooks when I heard the woman behind the counter saying 'isn't the weather dreadful? You wouldn't know it was June'. Apart from the fact...
Another imaginary man has expressed concerns about the imaginary kingdom in which he has been domiciled, writes Fantasy World correspondent, Alexander Selkirk.
It will be remembered that I have reported on these kinds of matters before. I spoke to this latest imaginary man yesterday, in an exclusive imaginary interview for our imaginary audience. It was surprisingly easy to gain entry to the im...
Dear Sir,
I ham fighting through you on beehive of a much misunderstood grope off scufflers, mainly, hose hoot stupor from the friction whereby hay displace random herds with other swords witch either luck or wound a skittle bit scimitar.
As ewe mustard seed, I amble cone of these importunates myself. Theseus hiss a moused perspexing disorder, being very scuttle hand mafeking the shuffler se...
Phone rings.
Receptionist (R): Hello.
Customer(C): Hello, I want to see the doctor.
R: No, sorry, you must have the wrong number.
C: Sorry, I'll hang up.
Phone rings again.
R: Hello.
C: Hello. Can I see the doctor?
R: How can I help you?
C: You said it was the wrong number just now.
R: Ah. That's our new rigorous customer interface. It sorts out the serious from the t...
Dear Sir,
I am writing in the hope that any of your readership may have a care for our lost histories.
You see, I live here in Broadwoodwidger and am researching the lives of our ancestor, Edwin Puley, who was a Cheesewright and Noddler, and indeed served his time in your very environment before ending his days as a Master Cheesewright and Chief Noddler back here in Devon.
I visited your...
Inspector Corner, Detective Pong, Sergeant Hump and Constable Hall had all journeyed from Scotland Yard in the special Ford Anglia overhead camshaft pursuit vehicle, in response to a call from Sussex Constabulary about an exploding butler.
The Ford Anglia had a synchromesh gearbox and vacuum-powered windscreen wipers and it was a remarkable vehicle. It inspired many remarks, especially when peo...
An elderly man is staggering along the street, carrying a moose's head and humming the theme tune to The Forsyte Saga.
A police Sergeant appears with a Constable.
Sergeant: 'Now then now then my lad. What's all this here then, eh? I'm going to have to ask you to blow into this here balloon.'
The man blows the balloon up. It turns out to be one of those long twisty ones.
Sergeant: 'See...
'That was the local force from Rottingdean', said Inspector Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi; 'the butler has exploded at Hump Hall and they're calling the Yard in to investigate.'
Inspector Corner, of the Yard, placed the receiver down and turned to Detective Pong, "We got to go and investigate an exploding Butler at Hump Hall in Sussex Pong.
"Where's Sussex Pong Sir?" asked the Detective.
"No Pon...
Another selection from the fruitful harvest of Lear's Dorking years
A deluded young vicar of Dorking
Put a hen on his arm to go hawking.
Though he hawked day and night,
The prey simply took fright
At the hen's dreadful flapping and squawking.
A Mole Valley farmer one day
Resolved he would live upon hay,
So he sat on a cow
And repeated his vow,
Saying 'here with the catt...
Dear Sir,
I write to you as it were a cry du cur from the heart, having had the misfortune to have read an article in your weekend supplement just gone. The weekend has just gone, I mean, not the supplement, which is still laid on my escritoire, ready for the recycling bin.
There was I, in anticipation of reading some picturesque passages about Dorking's lovely scenery, on account of the hea...
Being An Excerpt From The ReminiscencesOf Dr James H Flotsam, M. D.,late of the Secret Service Medical Department
Chapter One: Mr Porlock Soames
In the year 1878 I took my degree of Doctor of Hatmaking from the University of Budleigh Salterton, and proceeded to Aldeburgh to undergo the course prescribed for surgeons in the Secret Service.
Finding that I was refused entry to the students'...
with Prince Constantin Ferdinand Maria of Liechtenstein, Winner of the 'Landlocked Prince Who Most Resembles An Old Goat' Shield in 1998
First, a word from our patron:
'Salutations, sturdy goat-lovers. Here are some more facts about the goats. I trust that you will these goat facts enjoy without further ado: Why not come to Luxembourg this year and visit the Cheese Mountain at Brikkelbrack and...
I have been charged with the solemn duty of reporting to you on the new mini-series which will be aired on television's History Channel from next week, entitled Extreme Patisserie in HD.
It was the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard who said:
'Patisserie must be eaten forward, but it can only be understood backward.'
Whereas it was Henry Ford the motor car salesman who said:
'Patisse...
This week's guest gardening expert is
The Father of English History and scathing Transportation and Culture Analyst
THE VENERABLE BEDE
Here is just a taste of some of the works that have earned The Venerable Bede the right to stand shoulder to shoulder with literary giants such as J K Rowling and James Corden:
Brittania Oceani insula, cui quondam Albion nomen fuit,
inter septentrionem et...
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dorksent.web>living>Dorking>Eastre Com-prattitune!
KEPE ARE EASTRE HERITREGE posted 11 Feb 2012:
Why do we nott celbrete Eastre like in the oldan day's thises day's? May Wiff an'd I goe s...
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll
Dear Robert,
I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do?
Jim Carner
Goodwood
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...