Though the television news programmes may feed us daily lies of poverty, violence, unemployment and social unrest, the truth is that our government still makes vast amounts of profits due to the unsettled state of the uneducated world outside these fabulous Isles!
Colman's Mustard Gas
Since an accidental spill at the mustard bottling factory in 1927, which killed 87 local yokel Fens employee...
Regular Man - A new, middle of the road kind of hero
Faster than a thing thats a bit slower than him!
Stronger than a cup of tea made by a blind grandmother!
Intelligent as a medium difficulty Sudoku puzzle-solver!
To the untrained, semi-skilled and last year at University eye, he is plain, simple Reg Mann, but his alter ego secretly goes around righting wrongs, holding tram doors...
Well, no doubt you are trying to read this fantastic, humourous, well-crafted piece of literature with your pleased eyeballs, and somewhere off in the distance you can hear a buzzing. You really want to plough on with this article, hoping, yearning, almost praying that it will give you an excuse to behave like the belligerent, misogynistic, self-satisfying prick you know and pretend to despise. Yo...
Bored of the same tired, cliched, predictable exchanges we plough through every day to the point that you have begun wondering how many razor blades you have to gargle to make the perfect throat and face blood smoothie? No,me neither, but sometimes an alternative reply does spice things up a tad, and maybe you can even get that stiff backed waiter, bus driver, police officer, mugger etc to crack a...
Adolf Hitler absolutely adored board games. He was an adept scrabble player, though many thought his personal favourites would have been RISK or Monopoly, or even the long-delayed board version of Genocidal Ethnic Cleansing (for advanced players).
It turned out that behind Adolfs seemingly innocent love of Scrabble, there was a darker aspect to his enthusiasm, apparently he was hoping to creat...
SUPER MARIO LANZA (Ann Offayacanna Refuse Entertainment )
Genre : Italian Croonathon
No. of Players : 3 plus a rhythm section
Difficulty Level : Medium, but don't get capsized over by the High Cs!
Once in a while, a game comes along that knocks our socks off. And after 10 minutes in the delightful company of Super Mario Lanza, I looked under the table to observe that not only were my socks g...
WOMB RAIDER VI - The Damp Patch Diaries (I.L.P. Studios)
Genre : Clam-Conquering Platformer
No. of Players : You are THE player
Difficulty Level : Interesting learning curve, from playground to playboy in 25 short years
Those darlings at I.L.P. Studios (Ivana Lara Pussy) have hit financial gold with its seemingly never-ending Womb Raider series. Again you are thrust into the role of Larry Cr...
GLAND THEFT AUTOPSY (HIPPOCRATIC HYPOCRITES INC)
Genre : First-person Looter (of mortuaries)
No. of Players : Multiplayer collusion
Difficulty Level : Easy, as long as you don't get discovered
This sure-fire blockbuster is another venture into a 3D open-world playing arena, with an NHS children's hospital as the base for your shady shenanigans. Incorporating business management themes and al...
METAL GEAR FLACCID (VIAGRACOM SOFTWARE)
Genre : Alcoholic Role-playing Adventure
No. of Players : 1 sad loner
Difficulty Level : Frustratingly Humiliating - hope the TVs insured
In this latest instalment of Viagracoms ever popular series, you play the role of urban warrior and perpetual bed-wetter Flaccid Snake. Armed with the usual array of weapons and power-ups, ranging from pocketfuls of...
Dear Guru Mahavishnu of all knowing, (and a good general knowledge of plumbing)
Oh great wise and wonderful one, can you please explain to me the rules between watching porn and having sex? For it is my understanding that I may have sexual intercourse with a female from the age of 16 but in order to actually watch myself having sex with this woman or anybody else have sex I must be 18?
Pleas...
Dear Dr Mahavishnu,
I am drunk, and tomorrow I'll be hung-over, do you know any miracle cures?
Yours headachingly,
Steve 'Acer' Woodchuck
Dear 'Quite Inexpensive' Steve
There are but 4 guaranteed solutions to your predicament young Liver Lasher
1) Stay Drunk - Forever
2) Get Drunker - Let the hospital detox do its magic
3) Chicken Soup with rusty nails in (digestion of nails...
Dear Mahavishnu 'BBZ' Burybobz
Was JFK assassinated by the American government or was Lee Harvey Oswald guilty! Although the evidence is almost indisputable I would like to put my mind at rest once for all knowing that you have set my mind on the correct path!
Your devout follower
Dave 'Bugzy' Fribbins
Dearest Dave,
JFK, the first American president to be named after an airport, w...
OK, you've been ejected from the nightclub, been kicked out of the kebab shop for trying to pick a fight with an antique space invaders machine, the police have kerb-crawled you all the way home to keep you out of further trouble (didn't offer you a lift though, did they? the bastards!).
After the 23rd attempt, you finally succeeded in getting your key into the lock, leaving numerous ugly faile...
Join today, and reap some of our benefits including;
free candlelit pureed meal
Alzheimer's sufferers welcome
nude bingo every Thursday
50 brands of gin available at bar
weak tea and boring biscuits also served
Alzheimer's sufferers welcome
bring-a-waterbottle nights
colostomy friendly
Alzheimer's sufferers welcome
huge Louis L'amour & Danielle Steel reading room...
"I was making you a matchstick model of the Taj Mahal as an introductory showing off gift, when I inadvertently superglued my face to the ceiling.
My faithful dog, Osama, noticed my plight, and attempted to dial your number then put the phone into speakerphone mode. Sadly he transposed the last 2 digits and I ended up calling a Double Glazing call centre. For 7 hours, I pleaded for them to cal...