Hello there,
Well, call me an old duffer if you like, I am 79 you know, but I still have my own teeth and hair. They are kept in a box above my wardrobe. It is nothing weird, I just think that if I can be cloned in the future, then I should be.
I have been watching the old beeb lately, as you do. There is a programme they are showing called The Hour. I sat down to watch it, thinking it woul...
Well, Hello there. I am David Cameron. Some of you may have voted for me.
It is a mystery. Like Chris De Burgh. You know people have done something to make him popular, but you never meet anyone who will publicly admit it.
I have been asked to give you my opinion on whom to invite to your house for a dinner party, whilst avoiding any trace of hypocrisy of wrongdoing. Still, just between y...
'Oh' said Harry, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 'I had the most weird dream last night. I dreamt that the world knew who I was, and what I was doing.'
'That's alright, Harry' said Davina. 'We have been watching you carefully.'
'Oh' replied Harry. 'Who are you?'
'I am Davina McCall. Please do not swear. We have locked you in the Big Brother house for 10 years, under the influence of he w...
1) Share the money equally.
2) Appear on Jeremy Kyle.
3) Appear on the Wright Stuff.
4) Reduce my carbon foot-print.
5) Reduce my personal level of smugness.
6) Give Nick Clegg a manly hand shake everytime he gets something right.
7) Give Boris Johnson a dressing down everytime he gets something wrong.
8) Get a new bike, and lycra clothes. The old ones are wearing out.
9) T...
6.00 - The News with Hugh Edwards
6.01 - The News with Kate Silverton
6.02 - Russel Brand
6.03 - Jonathan Ross
6.04 - Hole in the Wall. Not the Game show, an actual hole in a wall.
6.15 - Fixing a Hole in the Wall. Aled Jones and Nick Knowles discuss DIY with Handy Andy.
6.50 - Kerry Katona's TV Fart - Once more, BBC 'borrows' a format from ITV
7.20 - Your Parents have heard of me!! Can I h...
1) Hand over power to someone younger.
2) Hang out with Tony Blair more.
3) Hang out with David Cameron less.
4) Smile.
5) Shake Hands with people less.
6) Finish War and Peace.
7) Or at least one of them.
8) Write Memoirs.
9) Thank actor David Morrisey for playing me on screen.
10) Finish my projected volume of 15,000 haiku's.
11) Invent the 77 blade razor, because you can never get too...
Dear Candidate,
I hope you don't mind,
but I have recycled the flyer
that you put through my door.
I did read it,
but it only contained
all of the promises
you made before.
D'ya get me?
D'ya get me?
Cos I'm is talkin' to you.
D'ya get me?
D'ya get me, brethren?...
Mr Brown was a Man of little consequence,
carrying a little case,
containing a little of his life,
but of no consequence
to anyone else.
He thought of his family,
and Mr Gruber,
the unpleasant little Neo-Nazi
who lived next door,
who shook his fist at the world,
and who grew old and grey,
because he had never been lucky enough
to meet the right girl.
Mr Brown was at the station,...
Boris Johnson's New Year Resolutions
· Have a good haircut
· Think of some brand new catchphrases
· Gosh
· Phwoar
· Crikey
· Make friends
· Stop taking David Cameron seriously
· Stop the Congestion Charge
· Get better at Wiff Waff
· Make proper friends with Barack
· Finish my collection of Colloquial poetry
· Finish the Dove Cote
· Finish War and Peace
· Start a War over Badminton...
A Devil woman, with Evil on her mind
A Honky Tonk Angel
A Forwarding Address for Carrie, she may not live here anymore, but her letters are still being delivered
A Miss you Night
Some Small Speakers
Some Tall Speakers
Proof that Love is actually the strongest emotion
Forty Days
A Living Doll
Some Lucky Lips
An Audience with Cilla Black on DVD
An Audience with The Pope
An Audience with...
Hello Everybody,
You will remember me as the sweet ball of fur that Corey Feldman poured water on in that famed 1980's documentary Gremlins.
I also had a starring role in the sequel, but I have had no work since then. I was talking to Gary Coleman about this just the other day. If you start out as cute and lovable, the only place to go after that is downhill. Of course, I could have cashed i...
Following the news that Brian Blessed is to be banned from Songs Of Praise, here are some more ironic names.
Brian Blessed......... Not any more. I SAID NOT ANY MORE!!!
Neil Young............ Not for about 40 years
Jimmy Young........... Not for about 70 years
And more will follow. Please send in your suggestions.
The Ostrich
that keeps...
A Ghost lives in Whitby. A ghost, are you scared? A dead man, living in Whitby? Are you scared now?...
Following my breaking news story last year, that Wasps are just Spiteful Bastards, Walter the Wasp from Winnipeg, a leader and spokesman for the Coalition of non- prejudicial treatment of stinging insects (CONPTOSI) has prepared the following statement:...
Ode to the Last Meat Ball:
O, Meat Ball,...
In the first in a series of Articles from our loyal readers, Mr Ray Ving, aged 76, and from Dulwich reveals his thoughts for the day.
I am just a normal Moggie. I have done nothing to deserve the fame and recognition I get. I go out to all the hot-spots, the bottom of the garden, the end of the road, the Litter tray, it is a new club that is always shutting down and then opening somewhere else completely different.
I never know what each day will bring. It could bring world peace, or a nuclear apocalypse, but I do know that at some point I will utter the immortal words 'Oh Boy' and that someone will think I am mad because I am talking to myself.
BBC 5 - Niche market for Agrophobics bored of their wall-paper...
My days recently have been quite dull, ever since that documentary anyway. Now that Lord Vader has gone and died as well,there is even less to do.
My days are usually all the same, with the rare exception of Christmas Eve.