Winter's had enough
of itself; it wants to do something else...
nothing drastic or abnormal
like be a businessman or an elf
it wants to have a
crack ...
at being something
new
like spring or autumn,
that would be cool
and cool is one thing it can do.
It's not very sure if
summertime is something that he could pull off...
and anyway he would
only miss the fireworks as well...
I just found a sodding zit, and I'm about to have a date
Do I pick it? Do I squeeze it? The taxis here, too late!
I'll dab some extra aftershave and hope that it dries it out.
The taxi drivers bibbing his horn and I have Vesuvius on my snout.
I'm looking sharp and clean and I'm hoping she wont notice.
The taxi driver looks at me as if I could do with a mustard poultice.
All the while I...
This parody came about after I saw a video on YouTube made by an American chap who was espousing the ethics of America using this same song but with some very different images.
Here are the lyrics of the original song for you to sing along with.
Far
We've been travelling far
Without a home
But not without a star
Free
Only want to be free
We huddle close
Hang on to a dream
On t...
I wrote this one a couple of months ago, about the spy Anna Chapman, to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean.
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how those ruskies used to make me smile
But nowadays it's all rhetorical stance, but I knew where I stood in the Russian dance
and it maybe, made me happy for a while
The cold war finished and it made me shiver
There would be no mor...
The planet Earth has lost its friends, the other orbs are mad.
He used to be the talk of the town 'cos of the life forms that he had.
The other planets hated it, that he had a population
They thought he got all high falutin' with ideas above his station
But he was young and didn't care that they flew into a rage.
How dare he have indigenous life when he's only 4 billion years of age.
B...
Chatting to girls online is fine, but no way to find a date
You have to look in the big wide world, not a worldwide website mate
You'll never match up, in the real world, to what you portray online,
and the girls you find, won't be of 'Amazon stock' in transactions of a BoGoFF kind.
They will never be exactly as you think, no matter what they say.
And the things you say won't portray you,...
Paris, Root-hers: - Scores of fashionable young Parisians ladies are flocking to the plastic surgeons for a quick nip tuck of the old lady garden in a bid to regain their virginity.
It has become such a huge hit amongst the North African/Algerian woman that it has caught on with their Parisian sisters.
Lysette Pettit-Trou said "I first heard about having my clopper sewed back up from a Musli...
The use of the word "gangs" to describe youths who hang around committing crime could make their activities worse, a study has claimed.
The Youth Justice Board conducted a major study on "gangs" and concluded that the term is "inappropriate". It also suggested replacing the phrase "gang-related" with "group-related". The new terminology for gang should be something nice and cuddly like "cluster...
To the victor go the spoils!
That is usually how it goes, but winning a war these days can leave you with a potential lawsuit on your hands, what with all them enemies you shot in an effort to stop them from invading your country or patch of far away land that you nicked off of them ages ago, back before legal aid was invented.
It's probably sensible to not spend as much money on an elite f...
The Orange is disappointed that she has got pointy ends,
She thinks that she is too round, unlike her lemony friends
She thinks they look much nicer, with their pointy polar nips
And she wishes she had some too; it really gives her the pips.
The banana is too bendy, the apple? again too round.
She wants to have a zesty zing at twenty pence per pound.
But then again, an orange is nicer...
I Googled my own name today to see what I could find.
Apparently I'm a boxer, not a dog, but the pugilistic kind.
The next line down says I'm a bloke from the antipodes
but I've never even been there, I'm sure, but I have been overseas.
Although I haven't seen Connecticut, that's where number three is from.
He's a leader in his chosen field; I wish that I had one.
All these blokes who...
MAIEUTICS is the kind of word that you shouldn't use in Scrabble.
Everyone will think you're an arse, and it will only get you into trouble
Even if you genuinely know it or it was just a random guess
They will all talk at you in stentorian tones of your sesquipedalian excess
Don't use words like "epiphenomenal," "diegetic" or "proprioceptive." too
It's just that kind of malarkey that will...
In every single way but one, I'm just like Sherlock Holmes.
But then again I don't play the violin or peruse his weighty tomes.
But I do so love a good mystery when the circumstance allow
although I can not solve them, I'm just like him anyhow.
NO, I haven't got a deerstalker and I've never stalked a deer.
If that is why he wore that hat, the inference wasn't clear.
I've never lived...
Winter has had enough of itself;
it wants to do something else
nothing drastic or abnormal
like be a businessman or an elf.
It just wants to have a crack
at being something new,
like spring or autumn, that would be cool,
and cool is one thing he can do.
It's not very sure if summertime,
is something that it could pull off,
and anyway he would only miss the fireworks
and all th...
Quelle the hell is going on with France?
Why is it such a ponce?
They were fine enough in 'Allo Allo'
So I shall say zis only once.
Get a grip you silly froggies
and stopping acting like your better.
You don't see England cycling round
in a beret and stripy sweater.
Avec your garlic and your froggy legs
et votre escargot in butter,
And your always so "je ne sais quoi"
We Brit'...
If you are so flipping sleepy, why don't you go to bed?
Instead of sitting on the sofa with your nodding donkey head.
I daren't turn the TV over, while you're curled up like a heap.
But I was watching that, do you mind?
But you were sound asleep.
No I wasn't!
Yes you was, You were all closed eyes and snoring
But I was listening to the adverts 'cos they're usually so boring.
But I've...
The job is hunting, this sporting lie, that's the job for me.
Just to get an interview is like winning the lottery
…and Hang around the job centre, you feel a scrounging skank
so if I want to come into money, I should take my matter to the bank.
Under starters orders every morning of the week,
faint heart never won fair wage, but blessed are the meek
On the oche! At the gate. My tigers...
Fags and booze were best of mates,
back in the good old days.
When pubs were thick with thick blokes
and a thicker smoky haze.
Smoking indoors and having a drink
is what it was all about.
Have a smoke, have a pint,
by the way, I think it's now your shout.
But fags have now been relegated,
just like a losing football team,
they stand outside, looking through the glass
while booze st...
They were all there, the first man who ever did it, now an old wheelchair bound octogenarian, the next few men who walked into various bars in various jokes the world over.
The Horse, The Zebra, The two blonds, the twelve inch pianist. The bar was packed with anyone who was anyone in the "A Man Walks Into a Bar" joke world.
There have been countless variations on this joke down throughout t...
A contributing writer to "TheSpoof.com" has compared the lyrics from an oompah loompah song to Vince Cables impassioned speech, in an attempt to find parallels where he could twist the two disparate strands into one humorous chord.
The first line started as all ompah loompah songs do, 'OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO', so the spoof writer decided he would keep all of these in so as to make it recogn...
It's true; I swear on all that is currently visiting the UK from Vatican City. You heard it here first. That's right, Bill Bailey's doggy TWEETS! And I'm not enunciating like Jonathan Ross either and just to prove it, I didn't spell his last name 'Woss', which is just cheap and demeaning to both Jonathan and me as a respected journalist.
What I am doing however is making a humorous play on wor...
A department of transport efficiency drive has driven efficiency to an all time low, which some members in parliament are saying is more than likely inefficient.
The Commons Public Accounts Committee report says it was late to start, is still not fully introduced, and is set to make losses, not unlike the public transport systems themselves.
Matt Fabulous has made an exclusive video report o...