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Funny story:  Easter Sofas - The Ups and Downs

Easter Sofas - The Ups and Downs

Forget Jesus Christ and all religious distractions, forget family meals and get togethers, once again according to T.V. advertising it's time to buy expensive furniture. Here's our guide for everyone out there with no common sense: 1) Buy the largest sofa you can squeeze into your room. 2) Forget comfort and other considerations. 3) Buy Mail order if possible for a surprise factor. 4)...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises Dick Hertz Whose Friend's Foreskin is Zipped Into a Marquee Tent Zipper

Auntie Jean Advises Dick Hertz Whose Friend's Foreskin is Zipped Into a Marquee Tent Zipper

Dick Hertz asks: Auntie Jean, my friend is a flasher I'm afraid and we are at a wedding reception across the road from an Abbey. My friend was trying to flash some Benedictine Nuns, who ran after him with a meat cleaver. He zipped the heavy duty zipper up and managed to zip his foreskin right into the zipper. can you advise please? Auntie Jean Advises : Its probably you I think with the trappe...
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Funny story:  Scottish Safari - We Hunt Lichen

Scottish Safari - We Hunt Lichen

Saturday: Set off from Euston Station bound for Anglesey. Arrived at 14.05 hrs to be greeted by Lichenologist Hans Nisan Bumpsadaisy. Hans relieves us of his £500 fee and goes to buy a crate of whisky. Alcoholic, Hans wasn't seen again until we found him drunk in the forest the following morning. Sunday: Hunted for Hans in the forest and found him singing and exposing himself to a group of Bene...
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Funny story:  Pimp your fridge freezer for 10 quid

Pimp your fridge freezer for 10 quid

Shopping list: flourescent paint spray X2, Stanley or box cutter knife, blowtorch. Essentially its a matter of removing the silencing rubber feet from the compressor tank and taking off one of the four refrigerator feet to mske a resounding rattle with plenty of street cred. Spray the fridge freezer with any pattern of flourescent paint and carry out the other mods. Remove all seals from the f...
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Funny story:  Make your teacher think she is glued to her chair by hypnosis

Make your teacher think she is glued to her chair by hypnosis

The technique is simply one of suggestion and will work spectacularly on the right subjects. First you must secretly test your subjects for susceptibility by making hidden suggestions in your everyday conversation with the teacher. An example being, "Miss Brown, here is my homework make me a fried egg sandwich I'm sorry the homework is late." If the subject obeys the hidden command, then immed...
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Funny story:  Modding Mom's car to sound like a growling tiger

Modding Mom's car to sound like a growling tiger

To Mod your Mom's car to turn heads follow my three easy steps. While Mom is at the hairdressers: 1) Pimp the tailpipe with a Performance Exhaust: Have a muffler shop that knows what they're doing upgrade her exhaust system. The term for what you want is a "header-back" exhaust which will greatly increase the amount of noise the car makes and produce a deep, growling sound. 2) Take off her...
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Funny story:  Public bored with DJs and C list celebrities being taken to court

Public bored with DJs and C list celebrities being taken to court

Recent Media "overkill" featuring "has been" celebrities going to court has led to cries of "Let's have a 'Strictly' style sudden death televised phone in" to let the public decide if they are to be punished or not. Ideas for what punishments to dish out include: - Forced watching of Soaps with multiple choice tests afterwards for soap haters. - 3 year sentences of football match highligh...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean advises the chess champion of the world

Auntie Jean advises the chess champion of the world

Magnus Carlsen from Norway asks: "Auntie Jean, I am in the final of the world chess championship. Actually I am in the lavatory of the competition building and there is no toilet paper. I think my opponent has stuffed it all down the toilet to put me off my game. I was going to complete a series of moves ending in a spectacular "Carlsen checkmate" coup de gras, but now I can 't wipe my arse. Can...
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Funny story:  Abysmal holiday in Y Borth,  West  Wales

Abysmal holiday in Y Borth, West Wales

Y Borth, West Wales, has a sandy beach and is a holiday seaside resort. Our week there in a youth hostel in the village next to the caravan and camping site was utterly abysmal. An unexciting ancient submerged forest is an invisible attraction along the beach, where stumps of trees (preserved by the acid anaerobic conditions in the peat) cannot be seen. Said to be the legend of Cantre'r Gwaelod...
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Funny story:  I was trapped at an Eisteddfod in Aberystwyth

I was trapped at an Eisteddfod in Aberystwyth

Severely traumatised and finally emerging from a Swiss clinic after seven years of therapy, this is Jack Schitt's story as told to Blodwyn Jones, our Welsh affairs correspondent: Exactly as things happened: Announcement: Welcome to the Eisteddfod! If you want to shelter from the rain, or find some towels, whatever the weather at this year's Eisteddfod, call at Aberystwyth University's sta...
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Funny story:  "What we did" guide to our first family nudist holiday

"What we did" guide to our first family nudist holiday

Sunday: Had breakfast with myself as the only practicing nudist. My wife and kids clearly thought it was an elaborate joke. My daughter wouldn't come out of her room. I played along with the "its a joke" routine until the taxi turned up to take us to the train station. Arriving at "The Shrivelled Husk" hotel in Huddersfield, we were met by a naked receptionist pervert. We went to the changing...
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Funny story:  "What we did" Accidental holiday in Scunthorpe

"What we did" Accidental holiday in Scunthorpe

Sunday: My car broke down after picking up an Ebay won second hand Tivo from an address on the outskirts of Scunthorpe. Towed to the garage, I was told it would be one week before the mechanic could get the parts and fix it. Booking into a contractors "hotel" I settled down for the night into the common 12 bed dormitory. Anticipating being unable to sleep from the snorers, wind breakers an...
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Funny story:  Very rough guide to Sutton on Sea

Very rough guide to Sutton on Sea

Around £250,000,000 was spent on restoring Sutton on Sea church to its original condition after an "act of God" ruined it last year. People in the area said the lightning strike sounded like a bomb exploding. The church roof and building inside was left badly damaged by the fire. Nevertheless we found plenty to do on our holiday there. Adequate bucket and spade shops were plentiful and...
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Funny story:  "What we did" guide to a week in Filey

"What we did" guide to a week in Filey

Sunday: Arrived at "Force ten increasing force 11" hotel in time to start reading all the 100 "do not" notices everywhere we looked. No dinner because we had not filled in the dinner form, but "you needn't think you're getting away with not paying for it." Went hungry to bed. Monday: Breakfast of black pudding and runny egg with optional gristly sausage, Lidl chicory coffee and economy range...
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Funny story:  "What we did" guide to a week in Barry Island, Wales.

"What we did" guide to a week in Barry Island, Wales.

Sunday: Arriving on the bus in time for a slap up evening meal of Welsh seaweed we discovered that our travel editor had booked us in at a Vegan hotel. At first thinking that Mr. Spock might be there, my excitement was dampened by realising that this was Vegan, not Vulcan. All the pubs and places of entertainment were closed from September to July for the Monsoon season, so we went to bed. M...
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Funny story:  Spanish Prime Minister "I will bring Spain into the 21st Century"

Spanish Prime Minister "I will bring Spain into the 21st Century"

SuperMario Rajoy, the Spanish equivalent of Kim Jong un has stated that he is determined to get the country away from the decrepit state the world associates with it. "I will reduce or eliminate our dependency on handouts from the E.U" for a start", he said at a meeting of underdeveloped and third world countries in Zimbabwe. "We will start inventing things and move away from reliance on lea...
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Funny story:  "What we did" guide to a week in Whitley Bay

"What we did" guide to a week in Whitley Bay

Forget Ibiza, The Algarve, Barbados, off season Whitley Bay can provide all the ingredients for an unforgettable break. Arriving on Sunday we took a taxi from Newcastle Airport which by the way isn't at Newcastle, to The Stuffed Dog hotel, unpacking and enjoying a welcome complimentary pint of "Nukie Brown". Next we decided to carry on drinking in the hotel bar and then staggered out 3 hour...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Auntie Jean advises Eric Shun - on holiday in Wales

Eric Shun asks Auntie Jean::Auntie Jean, I have accidentally come on holiday to Wales by getting on the wrong train. Is there anything I can do to stop clinical depression setting in? Auntie Jean answers:Eric, 1) Be optimistic, try to think that something will turn up. 2) Add up all the little joyful things that happen to you during the day. For example, there was no traffic on the road, you...
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Funny story:  We had you there! 10  spoof foods no one would really eat

We had you there! 10 spoof foods no one would really eat

Spoof foods made up for a laugh by Nations. 1) Paella (soggy rice with shell on prawns and squid tentacles). We thought you would easily have spotted that one - Spain. 2) Black pudding (congealed blood with lumps of fat)- U.K 3) Rollmop herrings (skin on rolled up dolphin food? no?)- Norway. 4) Salted porridge (self explanatory)- Scotland. 5) Sauerkraut (cabbage based pig slop)- Germany. 6...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Auntie Jean advises Mr. Completely whose arse is superglued to a toilet seat in McDonalds

Mr. Completely asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am trapped in a McDonalds toilet in Liverpool with my arse well and truly superglued to the porcelain W.C. Someone spread the glue all over the W.C. and like a fool I just sat down on it. I am permanently welded to the toilet bowl now and what's worse is that there's no door on the cubicle and I nipped into the women's loo as the men's was full.
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Funny story:  Testicles sliced off on  water park ride

Testicles sliced off on water park ride

Auntie Jean advises D. Void O'Nuts. "Auntie Jean, my nuts were sliced off by a broken piece of glass fibre on a Water Park slide this morning. The lifeguard retrieved them for me and packed them into a medium fizzy orange carton with ice. I have a day off next week and wondered whether to freeze them until then, when I can get to the casualty department. I know to keep them away from the dog a...
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Funny story:  Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End

Mike Rotchburns asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her. Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed.
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True Facts From Snoops #1335

Snoops: The average number of toothpicks people swallow in their lifetime? Three. Mostly from laughing after dinner.

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