dc Lampoon offers cheap, cost-effective ways to get rid of bed bugs
Special Report
Homeland Security Preparedness Programs
Involve Some Really Freaky Shit.
HOMELAND SECURITY SECRET REPORT
TOP SECRET
The following is a speculative scenario intended to equip high level policymakers and planners with a sampling of potential circumstances with which any "game plan" for dealing with catastrophes due to unexpected international intrigue may have to contend, and...
Low Flush Toilet Causes Family to Have to Move
With a planet that is covered with 70% water, our fearless leaders on Capitol Hill decided a while back to force upon us the innovation of the "low flush toilet" to conserve water consumption. Go figure being that the privileged hairy pimply asses on Capitol Hill all have access to high-capacity industrial strength toilets capable of flushing an in...
ATLANTIC CITY NJ - Couldn't have been two hours into the trip and I had to puke. The smell on the bus was thick with diesel exhaust, medication, and a toilet in the back of the bus that was spewing forth its overflowing contents all over the rusted floor of the bus. The two bottles of Jack that I drank before getting on this chariot to hell was really starting to work on my gut and now I was looki...
You know what makes me Sick?
My 300 pound next door neighbor who sun bathes in the nude. Every morning I have to try to keep down my breakfast as she takes off her robe and lay's out in the sun with the sweat rolling off her body like the fat off of a pig on a spic.
My cat who comes to the dinner table and throws up a half eaten chip monk as my date vomits the fettuccine dinner that took me...
What are you doing tonight?
"Yea, man, like let's go down to Washington DC and par-tay in George Town! I mean, were going to have a great time, have a few brewskis, find some ladies! Let's roll!"
The Reality
First you go down to George Town and your ride is a geeky friends 1991 Volkswagen rabbit. You sit in traffic for an hour to get into George Town and then you can't find a parking spac...
Stuffing your face for gold - Using both hands, he pick's up the four pounder bacon cheeseburger, and holds it in preparation for what must be for two-time world champion power eater John Keesler, a time of intense concentration on how he plans his attack. Ever calculating, he eye's the burger looking for a weak spot. Now he's flexing his jaw bone, his mouth opens and there he goes, he' stuffs it...
We the people of the planet earth have for the past hundred years or so been beaming out radio and television signals into the vastness of the Universe. Never mind that most of what we have been beaming out makes us look like a collective bunch of intergalactic war mongering morons to any intelligent beings capable of receiving those signals, the reality is, that unless we are the only planet in t...
What are you doing tonight?
"Yea, man, like let's go down to Washington DC par-tay in George Town! I mean, were going to have a great time, have a few brewskis, find some ladies, oh yea, let's go!"
The Reality
First you go down to George Town and your ride is a geeky friends 1991 Volkswagen rabbit. You sit in traffic for an hour to get into George Town and then you can't find a parking sp...
Congratulations! Your fresh out of collage, and you have decided to embark on a career as a Capitol Hill lobbyist. One of many things that you must always keep forefront in your mind is that you are joining the ranks of an exclusive prestigious club where access is earned through hard work and using your head. There is much to be gained if you are up to the task at hand.
The people who you wil...
How to get a free cup of coffee from Starbucks
From the Staff of dc Lampoon
Times are tough and coffee ain't cheap! So we here at the dclampoon.com have come up with some sure fire methods for you to get your free cup of morning Joe from non-participating Starbucks.
The origins of free coffee
The origins of free coffee can probably be traced back to some loin cloth wearing native starv...
NASHUA NEW-HAMPSHIRE - I'm sitting down at the "Happy Pig" lunch counter café in down town Nashua New Hampshire, nursing my tenth cup of coffee while waiting for Mitt Romney to arrive. The short order cook is busy in the back flipping over egg's and bacon on a hot grill as Sally, the lone waitress in this joint, is carrying plates in both hands and serving it up to two burly looking steel workers...
I was having a really bad day so I jumped off the ledge of the building I worked at and was making my way toward the ground when this pigeon comes flying up beside me, feverishly flapping his wings to keep up with my descent.
"Hey stupid?" The pigeon yelled out.
Surprised, I looked over at the rat with feathers and replied. "I didn't know pigeons could talk?"
"Yea, well it's not like we...
Ball Banger Virginia- Police responded to the scene of a horrific accident involving a Toyota Prius and a School bus full of Nuns. The driver of the Prius, Bob Baily of West Hankin PA., was extracted from his crumpled vehicle by paramedics who had to employ the use of the "Jaws of Life" to get him out.
A bio-hazard unit was dispatched to the scene when paramedics reported an unknown substance...