Dear Constituents
I've had such a hectic weekend and it didn't go as I planned.
Saturday began with Mrs Kelp demanding that I devote what she called some "overdue quality time" with my family. I made the mistake of replying that weekends are the only time I get for devoting quality time to my constituents. At this point she got rather cross and said that the least I could do would be to spe...
This week, Doctor Sinnick discusses the case of a patient with haemorrhoids.
Before he came in I'd checked his files - the case notes showing a plague of piles
I asked him about his current state, though anything rectal is my special hate.
I said to him.
"Well, now, let's check your fate. Perhaps it's a scissors job if not too late."
Then, for amusement, I said to him, my finger...
Dear Constituents
I've had such a hectic week and it's only Wednesday.
But here's my belated weekend report to all of you, my enthusiastic supporters and Krupton constituents.
As expected, the weekend concert of teenage hopefuls hammering on drums and trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix was a rain sodden mud bath. Fair play to them for sticking it out but who can blame them for deciding enoug...
Dear constituents:
I have had a very hectic week.
But first I'd like to thank my constituent, Mr Arkwright, for emailing me to say that if you kick the car park ticket machines twice, you not only get a ticket but a full refund of your original 50p. Such is the value of this newsletter that I'm wondering if I should start charging for it to boost my re-election fund.
Today, being Saturday...
In this week's case study, Doctor Sinnick highlights the health issues caused by not looking beautiful enough.
She complained to me that her figure was not, what it used to be - it had gone to pot
Her nose was too long, her face was wrong, her bust was too small and that wasn't all
Her legs were fat and her bottom flat where she always sat, her arms were like sticks and extremely thin, while...
Dear Constituents
It has been a very hectic start to the week.
But the time has gone quickly as I have been discussing the Euro crisis with my MP friend and mentor, Milton Mancini, the MP for Pipstock.
Now as you know, Milton has strong Italian connections although he has been resident in this country since a boy. Milton's father brought him here about fifty years ago to escape the stress...
Dear Constituents.
I have had a very hectic weekend.
The weekend of any good MP like me is a very busy one although sometimes it is complicated by domestic matters.
My wife was urgently summoned to visit her mother in Macclesfield on Friday afternoon. Despite the effect this sort of last minute announcement can make to my own social plans, it can have benefits such as a welcome relief an...
Dear Constituents
I have had a very hectic week
Wednesday was also very embarrassing.
It started when I switched on the Blackberry and found an email request for an interview and a photograph of myself. I was surprised to learn that I had attracted the attention of a certain women's publication. So, thinking that no harm could come from a bit of publicity for my opinions on the low numbe...
Dear Constituents
I had a most hectic weekend.
Not only was it hectic but it was spoiled by a panic over my own personal health. Don't spread this around too widely as I wouldn't want the PM to suspect something that could delay my progress towards assuming higher office, but the fact is that I've recently been finding it necessary to get up at least three times a night to visit the bathroom...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most hectic week
That Mrs Delloitte was on the train again on Wednesday morning. Why she couldn't take the entire Jubilee week off like most retired people I don't know. At least she was not sat in my seat, but, as usual, she appeared to be reading the Financial Times. I suspect she uses it to conceal a copy of Sporting Life inside because she always has a pen...
Dear Constituents
That was a most hectic and long weekend.
For those of you who weren't able to make the Jubilee garden fete to hear my opening speech, it went very well although I was glad to be speaking from under the awning of the main marquee. My suit would have got very wet.
Unfortunately the thunder and lightning frightened the children away to the ice cream tent so I was forced to r...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most hectic week so far and Anthea has now gone down with the flu, or she claims she has. Women have no staying power - the slightest little thing and they give up.
I, on the other hand, stayed up late on Monday night reading about waste management and recycling in readiness for a top level meeting yesterday with DEFRA. Being DEFRA I knew to expect dreary, mix...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most hectic week.
Tomorrow I am due to make a public appearance at a Garden Fete and Jubilee tea party.
It doesn't start until 2pm so I'll squeeze in an hour signing letters before a shortened "Meet your MP" session in the Red Lion.
After that I'll work on a few words to say at the Fete or, most probably, dig out the speech I did last year if I can find...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most hectic weekend.
Saturday morning saw me having to get up at the crack of dawn to attend the local Farmers market where I was booked to stand behind a rickety decorators table covered with a cloth to support the RSPCA. Why these country people get up so early on a Saturday I don't know. Neither do I understand why some people prefer things covered in fur...
Dear Constituents
I have had a most hectic week.
As you know I have been a little under the weather after catching a chill. Anthea was the only one who gave me a Get Well card. I don't know what it is about modern society but people are so selfish and mean. It would only cost a few pounds to send a card.
I have been suffering from a very debilitating bout of flu, but it's POETS day [Pis...
Dear Constituents
I had a most hectic night and seem to have caught a cold.
I got wet last night though it wasn't the rain. I got soaked by champagne. There were several parties going on at the pub including a group still celebrating Chelsea's victory over Munich. I expect I'll be OK this evening, so no need to send a Get Well cards as I'm sure I'll be up and running in no time at all.
Any...
Dear constituents of mine,
I have had a most hectic day.
It took Anthea (my PA) and me three hours to remove the Black Sabbath ring tone from my Blackberry and upload something more pleasant on the ear. Anthea likes the classics so we managed to find a snippet from someone called Wagner. I had always thought Wagner was a sort of cider but Anthea told me he was a German composer of some reput...
Dear constituents of mine,
I have had a most hectic weekend.
You'll all be pleased to hear I made it to Barcelona and back although the BA flight out was delayed. What a nightmare. We really should bring it back into public ownership. The champagne was dreadful. I'll speak to Vince about it.
I mentioned in my last piece that I was only there for a quick check on the state of the Euro and...
Dear constituents of mine,
I have had a most hectic week.
It didn't start well. The train up to London was so crowded on Monday morning that I thought I may not even get my usual seat. Fortunately the old lady who I found sitting in my allocated seat recognised me and moved elsewhere. Thank goodness she did. My Blackberry with its new ring tone was already in full flow as I sat down and it...
As a result of stage one of a five-year consultation programme designed to evaluate the value of public consultation, the South West Regional Consultation Agency (SWRCA) now seeks independent consultants to take this work forward.
The main task of the new consultants will be to advise the Board on how to make progress on issues already identified through constructive evaluation of key parts of...
"I'm Arthur Godley - Godley by name and Godly by nature. Take a seat, mate. I won't be long."
From behind his expansive desk, Arthur Godley glanced at his visitor.
"Not the sofa, mate. The chair is for ordinary visitors. "
Arthur Godley, proprietor of Godley's Garden Gnomes of Krupton straightened his red tie and pulled on the gold cuff links. The penchant for bright ties and driving wi...
It's not every day that we're treated to a positive news story about eating red meat. Last week we were told it led to heart attacks and 'premature' death. Now, it seems we can all tuck into a hunk of steak or a lamb chop and it'll actually do you good. We knew our female readers would be interested in this and, wondering if it was true or whether it was merely the meat industry fighting back, we...