Tonight's television is as follows:
6pm. The Fuhrer's Toilet. Documentary about the various toilets that Hitler used throughout his life, and how they could have aided his rise to power. Features disturbing footage of an actual bowl used by the Fuhrer.
7pm. Newsblart. Up to the minute news delivered to your screen in an easily digestive form. With guest presenter David Dickinson.
7.02pm.
This Saturday, it's everyone's favourite annual pan-European musical competition - the Eurovision song contest. For a few hours, bleary-eyed Britons will throw away their deeply ingrained xenophobia and enthusiastically embrace their fellow Europeans as their own.
Even Eurosceptic UKIP leader Nigel Farage is said to host an annual Eurovision party. He recently admitted that he has fished out hi...
During the course of one of our legendary chats at my local gentleman's club, my chum Lord Percy made me a bet that I could not refuse. Namely, that I could live off £1 a day for a week.
"Nonsense," I replied. "Why, one could buy 50 pints of milk at that price!"
I admit that I had not researched the subject thoroughly and my milk comment was slightly off. Usually my butler and partner Jeeve...
Across the UK there was outrage today among benefit fans, when long-expected changes to the benefits system came into place.
"I'm outraged," said deceased political activist Spencer Perceval. "This has completely destroyed the benefits system as we know it. Don't they realise that by making small changes that I barely understand but completely disapprove of, the system will cease to exist at al...
All hail to glorious leader Kim Jong-Un! May his heroic leadership crush our enemies with nuclear fist!
For tourist, Britain is small island country on west of Europe, known for hats, royal families and slavery. Weather is always cloudy. National dish is horse but confusingly is labelled beef. National sport is to arrest celebrities.
Historically, Britain is enemy of glorious all-powerful N...
There are many stories of bravery and heroism from the Second World War, but one group of people are often completely ignored in the complex and significant history of that period.
In her new book "Bozo's War", historian Wendy Wilsfalov explores the roles that clowns played during WW2 on both sides. She argues that many operations during the conflict could not been successfully carried out with...
The new pope, Francis I, will have a full inbox as he settles into an unfamiliar position for him. That should however be no problem for a man who has worked his way up from the bottom as a choirboy, and can now command anyone in the whole Catholic Church to kneel before him.
There was some disappointment that a more radical choice was not made for the most powerful man in the ancient Bible-bas...
I awoke in unfamiliar surroundings with a terrible headache. Next to me lay the body of Sherlock Hunt, chained to my left ankle. On my other side, my right hand was chained to a bathtub.
My memory began to return. We had been on the trail of a diamond thief. A huge jewel, recently uncovered in Egypt, had been on display at the British Museum under high security. The Giza Diamond was a 300 carat...
Following on from her highly successful award-winning novel which won the 2012 Bad Sex Awards, Lobelia Flaps has written a new book, out in shops now.
It is a historical romance novel set in rural England in the 1600s with lashings of racy lesbianism. Called "Love's Bleeding Gums" it is about a female dentist called Aeneid Love who is looking for a husband, but suspects she may be attracted to...
Chinese businesses have long been influenced by the now-declining economies of the West, and often wish to mimic them in any possible way. The Chinese economy may be built on cheap labour, but its companies want to be associated with supposed Western affluence.
This has always been obvious in certain ways - for example, the suits that Chinese businessmen wear and the fine food and drink they en...
1401: Pope Boniface reverses his earlier ban on sex, after seeing a massive decline in the birth rate.
1411: The British Home Championship ends in a draw when England fail to seize Berwick back from Scotland.
1414: Japanese explorers reach the mainland for the first time and introduce karaoke to the unsuspecting Chinese.
1429: Portuguese adventurer Marco De Mappo gets lost while "rounding...
Britain has always been a country full of ideas and inventions. It has long been an essential part of the economy, and never more so than in recent years. From the Dyson bagless suction hair dryer to the Dyson bagless sink unblocking suction device to the Dyson bagless bagpipe, Britain still has the innovative ideas which lead the world. Here we round up some of the great new ideas which are being...
A new documentary on Channel 7 tonight aims to tell the real story of the Battle of Britain. Now that most of the combatants are dead, freshly revealed diaries and secret files can expose what actually happened in the skies during that critical battle of WW2.
Corporal Harry Cross was an airman in Britain's 5th Airborne Pantyhose Division. An entry in his diary for 17th August 1940 read: "It was...
It was perhaps one of the greatest voyages imaginable which remained as yet unconquered - travelling by dogsled from London to Dorking in the very brief British winter. It was a dream of many men and had claimed more lives than can be counted. But this week Britain's greatest living explorer Sir Ranulph Feinnes finally achieved it on his twenty-fifth attempt.
Upon realising that this weekend th...
Most people think of archaeology as a boring pastime only pursued by beardy wankers with a bone fetish, and they would be mostly correct. But there are a new breed of archaeologists, who are overturning the stereotype, and are pretending that it is fashionable to study old buried things. They are the "hipster archaeologists".
Jon L' is one of them. He studied archaeology at the London School of...
Sport and war: two good old-fashioned manly pursuits followed by testosterone driven men (and women) everywhere. What man can't instantly recall the last time his favourite team won a trophy? Or when his country last invaded another and slaughtered thousands?
Sometimes sport and war go hand in hand - for example, in the fine military pastimes of boxing, archery, and paintball. Sometimes sportin...
Well, what a year it's been. Anyone who lives in Dorking will certainly remember 2012 as a glorious but also tragic year.
January brought snowstorms and blizzards, and the closure of Dorking old folk's home led to hordes of elderly "Eskimos" wandering around the town blocking road junctions. Who can forget the igloo on top of the town hall? Nobody knows where they caught that whale, but its blu...
The 2012 Bad Sex Awards have been held in Margate. The awards honour the very worst attempts at eroticism in literature. The winners must have produced truly toe-curling passages of lust - and not in a good way.
In third place was a Japanese novel by Fukushita Kanishagi translated into English, called "Mr Roboto's Sexy Fun Time". It is a futuristic love story about a toilet cleaning robot who f...
An exclusive Channel 7 documentary will this week reveal amazing secret plans from World War Two. During the conflict, Britain drew up a strategy for the invasion of Adolf Hitler, which unfortunately never came to fruition.
Churchill was a firm advocate of the plans, which he believed would provide a suitable revenge for the devastation of Europe wrought by the evil German dictator. However, US...
The following is a transcript of a TV show which will be broadcast on BBC5 on Christmas Day, 2012.
Rolf Harris: G'day, and welcome to Rolf's Christmas Animal Hospital Jamboree! We're back at St Halibut's Veterinarian Hospital, spreading Christmas cheer to some poor little critters who are sad at having to spend the festive season all crook in bed.
We've got lots of special presents and Chris...
Bill: Hello there, and welcome to Fly Fishing. My name's Bill Palmer.
Kenneth: And I'm Kenneth Purves.
B: We're here at Dorking Reservoir again, but this time we're not birdwatching. We're standing here in our thigh-highs, grasping our rods firmly with our tackle dangling in the water. Hopefully we'll get a nibble from some passing trout, or even something more exotic.
K: Yes, that's righ...
(Soon to be a Channel 7 documentary).
We continue our series to find the most evil trousers that ever existed. It is uncommon to find an item of clothing which can truly be labelled evil. Throughout history only a handful of such garments have existed - Chairman Mao's dungarees, Stalin's waders, Shakin' Steven's jeans. To that list we must surely add : The Lederhosen Of The Third Reich.
Adolf...