New York Jets' coach Rex Ryan was so embarrassed by his team's horrid season that he took off for a Bahamas' beach vacation rather than hold the traditional end-of-year press conference.
Unfortunately for Ryan, the media tracked him down and uncovered his favorite seaside pastimes. Here are the top 10:
1. Finish reading "Coaching For Dummies."
2. Stop sending hate mail to Eric Mangini.
The New York City Police Department has been shooting up the town, mowing down tourists, blasting unarmed motorists and popping harmless potheads on a regular basis.
Fearing a federal investigation of his police force's bad aim and nasty attitude, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to "privatize" the NYPD. After a lengthy and thoughtful search, Bloomberg selected the Mafia as the most qualif...
New York - With their season running off the rails, the New York Mets have already started to take a look back at the year to see what positives can be salvaged from the train wreck. They found 11:
1. The plan to add performance enhancing drugs to the hotdogs at Citi Field has been successful. Mets fans are singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" much more enthusiastically.
2. The sawdust in...
The problem with home aquariums is that they're too small and confining. The fish can't swim the natural distances they need to get sufficient exercise.
I was thinking about this the other day when I realized that someone should invent a treadmill for fish. It can be called the Sea Master or the Fin Cycle or some other cute name.
Some entrepreneur will work out the details, make an infome...
Here are six unidentified quotes uttered by either New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg or German dictator Adolf Hitler. Test your knowledge of the world's fastest growing political scheme by correctly identifying who said what.
1."'I have my own army... which is the seventh largest army in the world."
Answer: No, this wasn't a boast by Hitler about his SS storm troopers. It's Mayor Mike warning t...
New York -- Over 74% of Americans believe that the nation is "off on the wrong track," according to a recent survey conducted for The Wall Street Journal and NBC News.
The pessimistic figure is the worst since October 2008, when 78% said that the country is headed in the wrong direction.
But the trick here is not to dwell in the past, but to look ahead and identify forthcoming signals that i...
It seems like only yesterday that the American Dream promised you could be anyone, do anything, and go anywhere without fear and with full freedom. But all that has changed. Here's a list developed by the US Department of Expectations detailing the Top 10 Signs The American Dream Is Over:
1. Instead of freshly ground pepper on your salad, you get industrial-strength pepper spray in your face.
It's no fun turning 60. It's the official beginning of "old manhood," as in, "What are you doing in the fast lane, old man?" Or worse, "What are you doing in the diaper aisle, old man?"
But as with most things in life, there are some positives. Change can be good. Improvements have been made. For instance, the life expectancy of an American male back in 1937 was 58. If that number hadn't improv...
Washington, DC - China wants its money back, and it wants it now. Not surprisingly, the target of the Communist nation's demands is conservative poster boy John Boehner (R-Ohio), the Speaker of the House.
Things are getting so bad, Boehner has asked the FBI for protection. His main problem: a collection agency is aggressively pursuing him to repay upwards of $1.2 trillion in debt. That figure i...
"I am very sad to tell you that I've just been fired over the phone by Yahoo's chairman of the board," said Carol Bartz in her final email to her employees as CEO of Yahoo.
A memorable moment indeed.
But what of her other memorable moments as Commander-in-Chief of the company? Here are the top 10:
1. Instituted "Chili Day" in the company cafeteria.
2. Learned how to land the corporate...
Culver City, California - The three leading contenders for the Republican presidential nomination faced off in a special "primary knowledge" edition of the popular quiz show Jeopardy! recently to "show America what we know."
Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry agreed to participate, they stated in a joint statement, because "the media is making us look like a bunch of dummies. Alex Tre...
It's official. The Charlie Sheen character on One and a Half Men will be killed off at the beginning of the show's season opener on September 19.
Producer Chuck Lorre is tight-lipped about how the character, Charlie Harper, is going to meet his fate. But we have our sources. Following are the top 10 possibilities that are being considered:
10. His brother nags him to death.
9. He'll go whi...
Faced with declining ratings and stronger competition, the Late Show with David Letterman has traded away its popular "Top 10 List" feature to Jay Leno in exchange for Leno's "Jay Walking" segment.
Neither Letterman or Leno would comment on switching their signature comedy concepts. But a Late Show producer revealed 10 reasons why the trade was made:
10. Our audiences will get a kick out of...
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the International Monetary Fund, was arrested in New York this week for allegedly raping a chambermaid in his hotel room.
It looks like the IMF chief's visit to America is going to be a long one because these are the best alibis that the lawyers came up with:
1. Was auditioning housekeepers for his friend Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2. Goes crazy when he h...
What did Osama bin Laden do when he heard the sound of helicopters? He called 911 of course. The White House has released a transcript of the terrorist's last call:
Bin Laden
Hello 9-1-1. I have an emergency to report. Someone is flying helicopters too close to my headquart... too close to my house.
Operator
That sounds like a noise complaint, sir. You need to hang up and call your local...