I keep hearing all these mean people yelling about this right to bear arms and I just don't understand why they all have their undershorts in a knot over it. Like someone's going to take their arms away from them! What, are they going to pull them out of their sockets? I don't think so!
I just don't know what to think of all that flag waving and chest thumping. If you want to do some good, I wo...
Stop it now. For some reason you dorks really like this band and I'm telling you they're not cool. The fact that they're still around, 40 years after they started, is scary and disappointing, because it means today's young generation of dorks will be downloading them to their iPods just as feverishly as their parents bought their albums, 8-tracks, cassettes, and CDs. Well, I'm telling you to stop...
I have been working on a piece of poetry of which I'm more proud than I usually am. It is of a subject about which I know as intimately as I know the feeling of jacquard silk against my chapel hat pegs: le perverti dans la bibliothèque, or what you might call "the creep in the library."
My inspiration: Herman Blowhole. I have not been able to go to the library for months without Mr. Blowhole le...
OK, let's come to order. We have a full agenda tonight and I have to be out of here in an hour to get ready for my date with the senator. He's taking me to the French embassy for a Franco-American appreciation wine and cheese party and I've let the National Enquirer know about it but I doubt they'll send anyone. The guy's a backbencher who'll probably not run for reelection next year, so who cares...
I know I can get you riled up by taking my clothes off, one silky piece at a time, slowly but with a purpose. Now I'd like to see you get hot and bothered while I put them back on. Because I spent a long time picking out these clothes. I didn't just go to Macy's and grab the first thing that fit me; I looked at hundreds of pieces, in several different departments, before I found just what to take...
Mom and Dad always said I wouldn't amount to anything, but wait until they hear that yours truly was named the winner of the Punta Cana Spring Break "Wild Girl" Stripper Contest! Believe me, this wasn't a cake walk. No fewer than 70 girls competed to see who could take off their clothes in the most alluring manner and then parade themselves around in as many different ways as possible. When you co...
I've had it up to here with the way you have kids in this world. You'd think by now we could come up with a way to get a family without having to bring into the picture a lazy slob who wants to sit in front of the TV all day and make comments about even bigger slobs who wear tights and slap each other around on the rear. I mean, that's the kind of thing you have to put up with just to bring into e...
This is going to sound strange, and in fact I can hardly bring myself to say it, but I just got my breasts insured. Okay, I said it was going to sound strange, but before you think I'm a nut, let me tell you what happened.
So, I was having a meeting with an insurance agent-look, I'm getting up there in age, and I gotta start thinking about stuff like this-and he said, "You know, many wo...
I'm sure you're surprised to see me here, but are you any more surprised than I am to see you here? What kind of a boy did I raise that he would end up in this house of ill repute on a Saturday night with his roughhousing friends? Haven't I always said they were bad influences on you? Now I have proof positive. And is that alcohol I smell on your breath?
As for what I'm dong here, I'm tempted t...