Why should Senator John Kerry be appointed Secretary of State? When he made his run for the presidency against Dubya it was pointed out that if Kerry were to be elected president, America would be just one nut away from having a chipmunk (John Edwards) in the White House. While BILLINGSGATE does not wish to offend members of the genera Tamias and Eutamias species, it is not only Dr. B who has not...
BILLINGSGATE POST - SPECIAL EDITION - Due to the number and content of the letters responding to yesterday's article titled "President Obama Diagnosed With Terminal Chicken Lips," BILLINGSGATE POST will dedicate today's article to publishing letters from irate readers and the responses to them:
Dear Dr. Billingsgate: Chicken lips, my ass! How can you insinuate that Barack has chicken lips?...
BILLINGSGATE POST - Dr. Billingsgate's painstaking comparative review of the bio's of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney:
1. Vital Statistics: Willard Mitt Romney was born March 12, 1947 in Detroit, Michigan with a silver spoon in his mouth. Barack Obama was born August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Kenya with a bone protruding from his lower lip.
2. Nicknames: Willard "The Rat" Romney and Barack "B...
BILLINGSGATE POST - It doesn't get any more confusing than this. When was the last time you heard an Afro-American white man charge a Hispanic-white man with racial mayhem? Sounds like a nomenclature race war except for the fact that both men have the same skin color, or nearly so.
For some, the fact that the New York Times referred to George Zimmerman, the man who admits killing Trayvon Marti...
BILLINGSGATE POST - After speaking before the American Israel Public Action Committee (AIRPAC) last night in Washington, Bibi Netanyahu sat down with Dr. Billingsgate to discuss his speech and his meeting that morning with President Barack Hussein Obama:
Dr. B: Mr. Prime Minister, may I call you Bibi?
Bibi: Of course, of course. It is my privilege.
Dr. B: Thank you. In your brilliant...
One of the most pompous and self-serving bromides of golf''s inner circles: "Harrumph, harrumph! You can tell more about the character of a man by playing a round of golf with him...blah, blah, blah." In a sport so noble in spirit that one is commended for calling a penalty on oneself, Tiger Woods joins ranks with other professional "sportsmen", sexually prolific Rock Stars, unconscionable Wall St...
I guess that President Obama decided that fickle Americans won't be seeing a ticker-tape parade in New York City celebrating our heroes returning from the nine year old campaign in Iraq. And he never said 'well done' and he never said 'we won'.
It won't be the first time that warriors coming back home from an unpopular war were deemed unworthy of a parade. Vietnam war veterans invited ridicul...
CHICKITIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE wishes to thank Guy Lombardo for providing the inspiration for "The Immigration Song." It is a variation of "The Chicken Song" that was quite popular back in the '40's and '50's and was sung by the vocalist for Guy Lombardo's band.
THE IMMIGRATION SONG
Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our illegal immigrants
They bypass our borders the best they kin
Sometimes nine an...
Please turn out the lights when you leave San Francisco. Of all places, where Dykes on Bikes parade nude from the head down on rumbling Harley Davidsons, where a quasi-religious order mocks the Catholic Church with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence wearing nun habits, where the mayor is celebrated for porking his best friend's wife; I could go on and on, but I want to limit my dialogue to a spe...
One day after Dr. B converted to Islam he was accused of cheating while playing golf with his "Christian" golf partners.
As you know, all practicing Muslims must kneel down five times a day facing Mecca and pray. By extraordinary coincidence, each of the five times Dr. Billingsgate knelt down his ball was either in the rough or under a tree branch that impeded his swing. By the time he had ren...
There is nothing worse than waking up with a horse head in your bed.
In the movie, The Godfather, Corleone's godson, Johnny Fontane, requested help from Corleone to get a role in a new movie. Tom Hagen was sent to Hollywood to meet with Jack Woltz, to ensure that Johnny got the role. After refusing, Woltz finds the severed head of his prized race horse, Khartoum, in bed as he awakes in the...
1. If you don't care how much it costs to fill up your tank, you are probably blond, rich or a tree hugger. If so, go on to next point.
2. If it doesn't bother you that the rag heads are laughing at us for not drilling, go to next point.
3. If you are concerned that a random Alaskan caribou has to detour a few miles to breed, your love life must suck. Please go to next point.
4.
From the President of the United States:
"In keeping with the tradition of the White House, the ban on exotic dancers performing for my guests has been lifted for financial and moral reasons."
The President in his statement, readily admits that in addition to his position as President, he owns a stable of a dozen or more exotic dancers whom he rents out to supplement his paltry salary. In d...
This feature represents all that is bad about question and answer journalism. However, I feel there is a need for this in today's society, where ramshackle questions demand the courtesy of a relevant response.
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did your wife manage to crazy glue your testicles to the bed frame without waking your dog? My husband, Bill, sleeps...
In Washington this morning, the Inspector General of the National Archives released confidential documents that implicate Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton with Ted Kaczynski, also known as the Unabomber.
After years of trying to piece together the facts in an attempt to understand what Sandy Berger, the former Clinton National Security Advisor, was trying to accomplish when he stuffed high...
GRANNY'S RECIPE: It has been a tradition in the Billingsgate family to celebrate St. Patrick's day by quaffing down a pint or two of Guinness, followed by a special dessert that has been passed down from one generation to the next. We family refer to it as Granny's Irish Pudding. From all accounts, this dessert originated in Ireland, and because of the lack of fruit such as peaches and apples, Gra...
Galloping political correctness has deemed that Mark Twain's classic novel, Huckleberry Finn, contains inappropriate words describing African Americans and American Indians.
Although this book has been read by millions of school children and is on the shelves of most libraries, today Mark Twain is being scorned for allowing his characters to use the dialects and words common in his day.
Th...
During the Vietnam war the US Navy had a base in Subic Bay, Philippines. Ships on their way to and from the Tonkin Gulf would stop there for repairs and provisions. Sailors would take liberty and go into Alongapo City to drink beer and raise Hell. The main street was unpaved and lined with bars for as far as you could see. In front of each bar was a mean looking guy with a hog-leg starpped to...
Just as I would not wish to be called a socialist because I have a social security number, I can understand that for many liberals conceived in the heat of a barnyard encounter between a Rhode Island Red and their mama, why they would feel discomfort being labeled a chicken-lipped liberal.
Having been the first to describe Senator John Kerry as being a liberal, slack jawed, chicken-lipped jacka...