Santa got shot down by Sarah Palin
Flyin' over Alaska, yes sirree
She said we don't need no socialistic
Brainwash in the land of the free
She'd been drinkin' lots of strong tea
Sarah wandered out the door
Grabbed her rifle from the pickup
And she swaggered on to settle up a score
We found Santa in the mornin'
Face-down in the Alaska snow
Sarah said to us, "Gosh, darn it
Ya know that...
Far in the mysted, mystical mountains of Tibet, Lena Oleson reached the end of one of many paths up the same mountain, and there she halted.
"Wow," she huffed, trying to catch her breath. "That was a heckuva climb."
A man in the robes of a Tibetan Buddhist monk stepped forward. "Good morning, madam," he greeted in English. "It appears, perhaps, that you have lost your way."
"Oh, no," s...
Good-bye, Jimmy Dean
Though I hardly knew you at all
You really knew how to grind the pork
And spice it up just right...
So there I was, this morning, riding the bus home from work, and I'm thinking I might make eggs and toast for breakfast when I get home. And I think, hey, some turkey sausage would be good with the eggs and toast.
(Turkey sausage because even though I wrote "pork" in...
"Hold still."
"I--goddamn it! That hurt!"
"I told you to hold still."
"Where the hell did you get your license, out of a box of Weetabix?"
"No, I cut it off a box of Cap'n Crunch. Now hold still."
I woke up this morning as a person with his injured thumb screaming more painfully than all the fucking vuvuzelas in South Africa. In other words, as myself. The only inspiration I had...
Roland Emmerich's 2012 is not just another schlock disaster movie with overwrought CGI and abysmal dialogue. No, 2012 is, in fact, the story of one young girl's quest to overcome personal adversity, a Hero's Journey that would make the late Joseph Campbell weep, if he still had tear ducts with which to weep.
Our story begins with the innocence of Eden. In this case, Eden includes estranged di...
First in a series
1:24 a.m. Vapid dickwad saunters into store, tiny dog trotting merrily behind him, then ahead of him, then around the candy displays at the front of each checkout lane.
"Sir, dogs are not allowed in the store."
"What? You're kidding me."
"No, sir. It's the health code."
"Oh, I'll only be a minute."
"Sir, it's not even on a leash."
"Don't worry, he won't...