It's not everyday you wake up and you are told you're old.
Well OK, maybe it is, but only if you listen, and I'm told that one of the only benefits of growing old is selective hearing.
Well, that and standing on street corners and yelling at youngsters about how 'they don't know they're born' and 'pull your trousers up' (in a purely fashion-oriented sense, not in a peadophilic way!)
I jus...
With man's unrelenting passion for the conquering of space, it was with great fascination that the population of this humble planet Earth, stood gazing at the sky Sunday last.
We were finally going to set foot upon the famous 'red planet'. We were to leave our first human footprint on that rugged and angry place, far off, yet known throughout humanity. We, as a race, would finally walk on Mars!...
We walk into the Nuneaton Golf and Country Club with a sense of apprehension.
We are here to meet Eric Pakora, TV medium and top chef of Indian cuisine at local takeaway, Mohan's.
Pakora rose to fame on Living TV's Most Flaunted, a documentary style ghost hunting extravaganza, hosted by Nannette Meadowing, previously seen on children's entertainment programme Blue Peter.
Most Flaunted gai...
The quest for fine food brought myself and Glenda to the beautiful surroundings of Hampshire.
On the short drive from our country pile to The Wedged Hat, Glenda felt the need to constantly change the radio settings that I had spent several hours perfecting. I was already annoyed by the time we turned in to the long gravelled drive.
The quaint pub was pleasing to the eye, a mixture of Edward...
Every year, around this time, the idiot public rush around like headless turkey's, buying trinkets and knick-knacks for their loved ones, in a vain attempt to prove how much love they have for one another.
This love, which is measured in monetary terms, and nothing else, is often left 'til the last moment.
I run a very successful online shop, even if I do say so myself. And I just did, so th...
As Christmas fast approaches I wanted to get to the true meaning of Christmas. What is it that makes this such a special day?
We are often told, shamed even, in to sparing a thought for the person behind all this festive fun.
I'm talking about Jesus.
Jesus H. Christ.
For Christ the redeemer, who enjoys long walks on the lake, turning water in to moonshine, and riding a bicyle, has long...
The world's first porn circus has rolled in to town in Grimsby this week, causing quite a stir with the locals.
Barry Craddock's Big Arsed Bizarre Fucktacular prides itself as being the first traditional live porn circus show to hit the road. Featuring an array of acts such as the Mighty Wanger's, a family of trapeze artists, famed for their high altitude fellatio, the Arse Clowns, an all male...
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1.
Chapter 2.
Chapter 3.
Eggnog walked like a man on the very edge of losing the contents of his bowels. It was almost a tip-toed half stumble, with his buttocks clenched tight, arms flailing either side of him.
This man-child dwarf had serious medical issues, thought John Bray as he followed him along the dimly lit corridor. While trying hard not to stare...
Previous Chapters...
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Carlsberg was a huge city. To the common man it was a jumble of wood and stone, with no rhyme or reason in it's construction.
But to the more open mind it was a beautiful showcase of architecture. It's parks were immaculate and well tended. And it was regarded throughout the land as the forefront of cultural and academic studies.
The main stre...
John Bray strode through the delapidated gate way. Towering wrought iron gates clung to what was left of the supporting pillars, entwined with all manner of bramble and bracken.
The gates were wedged open, looking as though they had not been shut in many years.
The gravel crunched underfoot, and still the rain beat down. Drumming in to his skull with the precision of a metronome.
He looke...
The year was 1802.
And it was raining.
John Louis Bray hated the rain. He had been unceremoniously dropped at the crossroads a few hundred yards back. Protesting to the driver of the carriage that it was unfair, and even offering extra funds to complete the journey, the driver had firmly told him in broken English 'no'.
The coach was to go no further. For all the money in the world.
A...
Number Four, or Number 4 as she preferred to be known, was a complex woman. Two distinct halves of a personality. In actual fact, if she was to be split down the middle she would be two Number 2's. But as it was, everyone who met her thought she was a complete Number 2, so therefore a Number 4. But that's just getting confusing.
Her personalities were split like a pro's legs on pay-day. Half of...
Back in 2009, a veritable tour de force was unleashed on the world of music. Wrapped in the body of a 15 year old boy, the artist, nay star, that is Jason Beaver.
His path to fame and fortune was a hard fought one. A hard trail, fraught with dangers and both mental and physical abuse.
This is Jason's story, in his own words.
I met up with him at the Ritz in New York. A cold and rainy Oc...
"What do we do now, do now, do now?" Charpa's voice faded from thought as conciousness dawned.
It always rains in Wales.
The rain was nothing, if not persistent.
Drumming down hard on the white porcelain, each droplet creating it's own micro-storm, within itself.
It was unrelenting, never changing tempo, never letting up. The hungry gurgle of a drain, lapping up the pools of water crea...
The confusion subsided. The ship steadied under the quick thinking of the legendary Captain Morse.
A quick headcount confirmed the rebel Spoofers worst fear.
"Well we've still got The Oracle, but where's Lowton?" spat Charpa.
"He sprang over the side when the ship tilted, and made off on JO's wave runner!" replied Skoob, "Why has JO defected? Has he been working for Lowton all along?"
"I...