Many ordinary people across the United Kingdom consider Sir Ranulph Fiennes a bit of a hero, others a bit of a lunatic. He is the quintessential eccentric Brit: the guy who got frostbite, then cut his toe off because it was annoying him. The guy who had a skin graft on his foot, and when it came off in a very hot bath, left the discarded graft on the side for his wife to find. (We love people lik...
Hey lads, gather round
I'll spill the beans of news I found
We are no longer needed here
We are all obsolete I fear
Our womenfolk can do the deed
Of us, dear boys, there is no need
Your reproductive worth is nil
No longer are there holes to fill
The bitches have all found a way
To lend more credence to the gay
They've finally worked out how they can
produce their offspring without m...
Sean and Diffy hit on a money making scheme concerning that easy way of making cash. Photography. Things don't work out that way. They seldom do.
Sean and diffy stories contain very strong language. Please do not read if easily offended.
"It's easy, you just press this".
"It can't be that easy, or everyone would be doing it".
Listen, fuckw……:
"Have you read the instruction?"
"……...
Sean and Diffy do Ibiza........... Almost!
"What the fucks that?"
"It's my luggage....why?"
"Why?...Cos you look like a bag lady, that's why."
"A bag lady....?"
"No, strike that. You look like a bag dwarf."
"It was my grandmas."
"And we know what a fuckin nutter she was, don't we?"
"Fuck off, Sean...Anyway, what's that thing you've got?"
"It's our Tracy's."
"It's pin...
Sean and Diffy recruit two of their mates for a day's cruising on the canal. It's not going to be that simple, is it? Sean and Diffy stories contain VERY strong language. Please do not read on if you are easily offended.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The north of England is criss-crossed by a network of canals that were used in the 19th and early to mid 20th century as a me...
Sean and Diffy go on a day trip on the SANTA EXPRESS, but the day doesn't live up to expectations.Sean and Diffy stories contain VERY strong language. Please do not read on if you are easily offended.
There is a little town in Lancashire with the unfortunate name of Ramsbottom: honest, I kid you not. It nestles in the gently folding foothills of the Pennine Chain, a range of hills that stret...
Sean had thusfar avoided the evils of the workplace, but the jobcentre had tracked him down and arranged an interview at a local factory. This story contains very strong language. Please do not read on if you are easily offended.
There are several things in life that are guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of every man and woman in the country. At the top, or near the top for those of a...
Our heroes, Sean and Diffy, begin this particular day in the Bolto Hospital Accident and Emergency Department. Knowing these two. It wasn't going to be that simple.
This story is by no means Politically Correct and contains VERY strong language. Please do not read on if you feel you may be offended.
Diffy bent down, grabbed the front leg of the plastic hospital waiting room chair, and h...
A few years ago I wrote a couple of short stories featuring Sean and Diffy, two disparate Northern wasters. I have dragged them out of retirement for a laugh.
Sean and Diffy
A Day In The Life
Waking up in casualty is no big deal after about the forty fifth time. It's clean, warm and doesn't smell of piss: well not much, anyway. It's a sight better than waking up in the gutter surro...
Now I love my cricket....... Most of you out there will consider it the most boring game in the universe, but that is just because you don't understand it.
Most consider it a genteel game, but you wouldn't if you had Freddie Flintoff (England) charging in off a 30yard run up to hurl a rock hard ball at 100 mph at your face. Or if you were a close fielder, as Ricky Ponting (Australia) attempted...
something really weird has just happened.
It is about 10pm here in the UK, and it is a windy, wet night
I was just sitting here reading with the TV off when I heard a boat engine in the distance. This is unusual, because you seldom hear boats after dark, and only when they are looking for somewhere to moor for the night. It has been dark for a long time, and any boat should have found a moorin...
For those of you, and that will be all of you, who don't know how canals work, it's like this.
Water doesn't go up and down. It lies flat, like a pancake, or Ali McBeal's tits.
If you want to go up a hill you have to go through a series of locks. These are just big holes cut on the side of the incline with f*****g humongous gates at each end. To go up you sail your boat in the bottom, shut t...
They're there.....The little f*****g sods are there.
I'm looking out of the window and typing this at arms length, which is difficult because I have relatively short arms: compared to your average primate, that is.
They are lined up on the far bank like the bloody cast of a Wallace and Gromit film. I'm sure the little bastards are made of clay. They're moving in stop frame animation the little...
Nervously you look around, you hope you are alone
Your colon is reminding you that you are in the zone
Perhaps a chance to ease the load
You sneak one out, then cross the road.
The people here are thick and fast, you wanted solitude
You clench your buttocks and your teeth, not wanting to seem rude
Mayhaps a quick one, just for laughs
You let one go, away it wafts.
You waddle in, the sh...
It never gives you warning
It leaves you feeling ill
The speed at which it leaves your bum
Will never cease to thrill
The sneaky little blighter
Makes you think it's wind, not poo
But when you try to squeeze one out
You always follow through
You cannot stray far from the bog
Your ring will twitch and throb
You'll squeeze your bum cheeks tightly shut
But out will pop a blob
It vis...
Would you bloody believe it....Disgusting
I have been reading a book by Scottish broadcaster and chef Hardeep Singh Kohli entitled Indian Takeaway. It is the story of his journey around India, where he cooked British food for the locals, and tried to find his roots. All terribly entertaining stuff. Well done, Hardeep.
I reached the last page of the book: always a bittersweet moment, only to...
I took my daughter, Lucy, and her fiancee, Brad, out last week for a liesurely cruise up the canal to a spot called 'Botany Bay' where there is a converted mill housing lots of craft shops and that kind of tosh. Anyway, I'm pootling along at the recommended 4mph, and I notice a barge following me and reducing the gap at an alarming rate. (He must have been doing all of 6mph!!....Hooligan!!)
I d...
Not a lot happened over the weekend and I thought Captain Nigel's log would be left bare. Then guess what. The Brits never let you down. Captain Pugwash in his souwester loomed out of the rain and caught me amidships. And being caught amidships can bring a tear to your eyes, believe me.
About 11am Sunday and I'm still in my dressing gown having a civilised cup of coffee and a scratch of the bal...
I was doing a small jet washing job this morning, and it was absolutely bloody freezing. The water was turning to ice as it hit the ground, and I had decided to call it a day and come back at the weekend, when up strolls Robert Falcon Scott, closely followed by a lugubrious Captain Oates.
We chatted for a while, then Oates declared that he had to go outside, and may be gone some time.
Several...
A few years ago I was working offshore in Nigeria, and after a long drive through the bush. During which some nice gentlemen carrying Uzis kindly invited us to sit for a couple of hours under a palm tree while they checked our paperwork, just to make sure some unscrupulous rougues didn't managed to find a reason to fleece us.
Finally, after a 24hr drive, I checked into the Lagos Hilton. A pleas...
Wearing a Bluetooth Headset will not:
a) Make you look important.
b) Attract members of the opposite sex.
c) Attract members of the same sex.
d) Prevent you getting jabbed in the eye by inebriated members of the drinking classes.
e) Help you get through the checkout quicker whilst shopping at TESCO.
REMEMBER: It's not big, and it's not clever.
Why does shit keep happening?
I decided to fit one last job in yesterday (Saturday) (My 70th day without a break. I'm going for total burn-out)
I put my lawnmower etc. on my trailer and set out.
All's well. I'm driving along, singing my head off to a CD when I detect a noise in the background. When I look in the mirror I can see the bloke behind me flashing his lights, and then I see a pl...