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60'ish, fairly well hung, male, RC Monsignor, West Virginian-Jesuit, seeks love match with large breasted, thunder-thighed, small footed, cross-eyed, female dwarf with delusions of granduer for quickie phone sex. Call (304) 555-1212, ask for information.
22-year-old college grad seeks woman with no education...
Dear Idiot:
I read yesterday where you wrote that rascists like that Rand Paul guy shouldn't be allowed on the ballots at all. David Duke ran for President. Robert Byrd, former Grand High Clexon of the West Virginia KKK has been serving for years. Barometer Obama is racist as hell; I heard that from Glenn Beck, an impeccable source.
So, you just go fuck yerself you yellow muradered, marri...
Let us give thanks to the Lawd for what we got!
On this, the 23rd day of May, in the Year of Our Lord 2010, we have much to be grateful to God for. Give me a minute; I'll think of something...
Oh yes, I am thankful I have a penis. It is like many penises, I suppose, but this one is mine. I never go off half-cocked, unlike some Skoobs I know.
And while we're on the Skoobject, are you pl...
Problems in Paradise
Dear Msr. Dubois:
I love reading your letters and articles. Where did you get your wealth of information about sexual issues? Aren't all priests supposed to live celibate lives?
Anyway, my problem is my boyfriend's bad breath. He likes to perform oral sex on me, but when he comes up for air and wants to kiss me, his breath is super nasty. It makes me want to gag.
Closer to the Point
The miner packed the golden lamp into his haversack, fed the mule, and left the mine. He was two tonnes short of his daily call for coal, but didn't care. He'd found a golden lamp, and even though it wasn't a magical, genie holding lamp that could grant his wishes, the missus might take a fancy to it, maybe even enough to get him a quick handjob.
He entered his run down...
Before the Beginning
It was a dark and stormy mood the coal miner was enveloped in in his tiny little Welsh mind. His quota had not been reached and he knew that the Foreman would be ragging his ass, once again; that's all the Foreman was good for, ragging his ass.
"I wish I had a magic lamp to rub and a genie to appear to grant me all the wishes I could think to wish," the miner told his l...
Today's subject is sexual positions
Dear Msr. Dubois:
I am a 19-year-old junior at University of Georgia in Athens. I lost my virginity last week (or at least I think I did) at the Delta's keg party. It wasn't at all what I expected, having to stand up in a broom closet while my date ripped down my panty hose and kept jabbing at my crotch. Finally, he asked me if he could stick his finger...
Saf"er" Sex -- That's the ticket!
Dear Monsignor Dubois:
You helped me so much the last time I wrote you for advice, so I thought I'd get your take on my special problem. I know you won't reveal what I say to you, not to anybody, right?
Well, last week I picked up this little chippie in the parking lot behind my house. We hit it off really well, and I convinced her to come back to my fl...
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama released a few of his most noteworthy New Year's Resolutions Thursday morning at a White House press briefing. He did not answer reporter's questions however, saying: "I believe the list speaks for itself."
(1) I will not stick my penis into anymore electrical outlets.
(2) I will not hide my monthly "Big, BIG, Chick's Asses" magazines under...
Happy is the man who gets laid
As many of you know, I have suffered from a bad heart for sometime now. Many other problems have had me down as well. Doctors were able to fix what ailed my heart with stints, but I suffered bouts of high axiety brought about by sexual abstinence (something my physical body is unused to).
Some doctors think that my hypersexuality stems from the 893 acid trips...
As a newly minted Monsignor, I have had the duty of looking back over my lifetime and making recompense for my sins (such as they were). I have remembered the high points in my life as well as the low points; there were many in each category.
Today, I wish to make known to my parishioners as well as to the reading pubic, the best points I've ever seen, and those I haven't seen, but am certain...
Dear Monsignor Dubois,
First, allow me to say how honored the parish was to attend your consecration as Monsignor. My wife and I have followed your career with great joy. You were the priest who did our premarital counseling, as well as peforming the actual wedding ceremony.
I especially remember that you encouraged us to continually seek out new ways to keep our "physical" relationship ne...
Back in the days when donkeys, mules and horses were used to haul ore cars in the coal mines of West Virgina, their animals were purchased, at great price, by the miners themselves. Thus, to lose a donkey was a tragedy that might cause the miner's family to starve.
One night, a miner was leading his donkey home after working the late shift in a mine. He decided to walk along the railroad tracks...
Dear Fr. Francis,
I am thirteen-years-old and have been having a problem in school. It's really embarrassing, but since you're a priest and can't tell anybody what I say in confession, I'll tell you what's going on.
There's this girl in my class, whose name I won't mention. Anyway, Alice sits behind me in class. She's really pretty, too--tall and slender, with chestnut colored hair and am...
After fully servicing the skanky serving wench who ran the Bed & Breakfast where Bargis and the Beatles stayed the previous evening, Bargis was contacted by satellite phone by his boss, QM. She told him to head back to Heathrow Airport, meet up with QT, and take the 5:27 p.m. flight directly to the Sanford International Airport in Sanford, Florida. Blowme had been spotted fishing for alligat...
Dear Fr. Francois:
I am a 16-year-old Catholic High School Student from West Bumfuck, Indiana. I guess I am an average looking guy; I don't have a lot of zits, two heads, monkey ears, or six toes on my left foot or anything. I am reasonably fit and play basketball and football for my school. Whatever the reason, I just can't seem to get a date with a girl, any girl.
So, I signed up for th...
Dear Fr. Francois:
I am in a loveless marriage--well, it is loveless for me. My wife of 22 years is in love alright, with a donkey she worked with in Tijuana. Marissa claims their relationship has only been a "professional" relationship; but I wonder why she's always slipping away from Ocean Beach to meet Juan in Chula Vista?
I'm saddened to tell you that I hired a private investigator, Di...
As a man, I have always struggled to keep my opinions about abortion to myself. I cannot bear a child, and have no desire to inflict my point of view upon a woman whose reasons for requesting such a procedure may be far outside my comfort zone.
Even so, I must agree with President Barack Obama's call for a constitutional amendment requiring the late, late, late term abortion of Rush Limbaugh...
Dear Fr. Francois:
I am a 31-year-old plumber from FugginCold, MN. I think of myself as a good Roman Catholic. I am a member of the Knights of Columbus. I have a big sword, too!
My problem is that I can't get my wife to perform oral sex on me. She says "It stinks!" What can I do to make oral sex more desirable for her?
Signed,
Stumped
Dear Stumped:
Take a fucking bath once in...
The truth revealed
By Fr, Francois Dubois, S.J.
I hold a Doctorate in Divinity; I am not a medical doctor. Regardless, I am regarded as somewhat of an expert in the field of human sexuality, and especially an expert regarding Roman Catholic sexuality. In fact, it was me who counseled the Holy Father, Pope Benedict, to resign as Pontiff in order to marry his lover, Longdongo (see Pope Quits:...
Note to self:
I'd better be exceedingly careful with this chick! Daddy told me to never lose my head over a piece of ass, but, hey, she's hotter than black top on an August afternoon in central-Florida.
Dear Sister in Christ:
Thank you for returning my collar. I lost it while screwing in a new light bulb in the chanda...chanda...in the light fixture above where you put the dining room...
Dear Fr. Francois:
I am a 36-year-old man living in Huntington, West Virginia. I have an excellent job with a financial institution; my salary, after taxes, is $310,000 per year. My rent and living expenses use up about $70,000 per year. The remaining $240,000 is "disposable income." And I certainly dispose of it, and in the worst of ways, too!
You see, Fr. Francois, I spend all of my mo...