No sooner are the words out of my mouth than we find they need to be eaten.
That gives me a bad feeling in the stomach. Losing 1-0 at home with Robbie Keene in the side. I will no longer predict anything about the Hammers ; they are unpredictable.
However I have had a secret session with Mystic Meg - she says she's sees many goals for West Ham next season. In what Division she does not say.
The question everyone is asking those in favour of forests is : Can you live in a tree?
Monkeys can but humans have problems. Therefore sell off the forests, cut the trees down and build houses - making a considerable profit in the process for the developers.
A new scheme has been established, after extensive research among trees. They say they convert carbon dioxide into oxygen but this pro...
I am currently under fire in the centre of Cairo interviewing people who are shouting at me in Arabic. It is so exciting. This is history in the making and I am here to tell you all about it. I can pass you to my best mate, Braveheart Simpson, who is now heading a protest rally - Over to you Braveheart.
Crackle, pop. Sorry Braveheart has bitten the dust. A sacrifice for freedom and well worth i...
At the outset I wish to make it clear that misunderstood articles from my 'pen' on Spoof in recent months had nothing but praise for Avram Grant, the management and team at the Hammers.
Those who claim my current views on this wonderful manager were not complimentary have simply got things wrong.
Avram does not wear his heart on his sleeve but he has the heart of a lion. He takes the ignora...
It had to happen. My rise to fame is mind blowing (at least I think that's what it is although this stuff I'm smoking could be giving me schizophrenia).
Now, after sorting out Cameron's problems in my brief stay as his Communications Director and giving 'The Two Heads' some timely advice I've got the BIG one - yes it's Rupert 'the Bear' Murdoch!!!
I had this strange message to meet an old Au...
A new threat to the World was revealed to the world today by Prof Mann of the Biological Study Group at Oxford University.
'The worm has turned' Mann explained to a packed audience of scientists from throughout the world 'we are experiencing EXTRA GRAVITATIONAL PULL. This fearful development occurs in the earth's history spasmodically. The cause is deep in the earth's core. This explains the re...
I never thought David Cameron would take my advice and stop being a public school bully but he has! I've put in my resignation as his Director of Communications with immediate effect and I'm considering an offer from the two Ed's to help them out.
With Labour ahead of the Tories now and bound to go further ahead during the year it might be useful to gauge the Opposition so I have drawn up this...
David Cameron approached me with a request for an urgent consultation. As his recently appointed Communications Director I immediately went to his office at No 10.
The Big Society, Jim Womble, I need your input.
Not a good idea.
Why's that?
Wooly. No one knows what it's all about.
Come on. I've explained it clearly.
No you haven't. At heart you may have a good idea. People are no...
Following my appointment to the job as the new Communications Director at No 10 David Cameron asked me to come to a one to one session with him.
Here's the result.
OK Jim Womble what's your view on my performances at Question Time?
You sound like a self satisfied public school bully.
Really? So how should I improve?
Praise Ed Miliband.
Now, come on!
That would make all his opp...
Following my appointment as the new Communications Director at no 10 I am initiating a new out-front policy approved by the Prime Minister.
This will be an open frank department and it is in this spirit that I release the transcript of some sections of my interview that got me the job, before Wikileaks gets hold of it.
INTERVIEW RECORDING
Q Why do you want the job Womble?
A De money.
'You can av an interview' Ram Grant, West Ham Manager (as we write) replied 'you are a West Ham fan through and through. You know what it is to suffer.'
'Avram' I began 'you have a record that speaks for itself. Your Cup record is tremendous.'
'Thank you. However my record in the league is not so good. Bottom with Pompey, bottom with West Ham. I have not had many goals to cheer about.'
'T...
The envy culture is upon us again with layabouts criticising the Banks for taking well earned bonuses. What people need to understand is that Top Executives would go abroad for better deals if bonuses were not paid.' But where did this comment come from? A Banker? A Tory Politician? A Liberal Democrat trying to resurface? No.
It is a test transmission from the proposed Fox News!
So what have...
After studying the stars, especially Elizabeth Taylor and Marylyn Monroe and using my special powers to see into the future I can announce my Official Predictions for 2011.
Royal marriages.
After divorcing Prince Charles, who decides against Camilla being known as Queen Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall marries Royal Favourite Prince Andrew. As they have both been divorced (Camilla twice) speci...
'Do you realise that this is our first victory away from home in the league for 16 months?' Penny Smythe exclaimed to her boy friend, Leyton Orient Junior prospect, Terry Smith.
'That was our first match last season when we beat Wolves. I believe we were top of the table for a few hours. A long time ago.'
'But 3-1 away to Fulham. Fulham must be absolutely terrible.'
'They are. At this ra...
My father always gave me good advice. He told me that when you have been found out and have absolutely no way out you should get in first by putting the best possible explanation as to how you made your terrible errors.
So here goes. My wife is a wonderful woman or sadly was a wonderful woman. But she went too far in criticising my scrambled eggs. Many a dinner table has been charmed by my perf...
WikiPours have issued another leaked cable. This time it is from America's CIA to Britain's MI5.
Top Secret. 'Organise the return of Tony Blair to Premiership 2011. What is needed for this?'
'First he has to become an M.P. again. This can be through a bye election if a Labour M.P. from a safe seat dies.'
'We are not waiting'
'Right. Understood. Then Tony has to be elected as leader of...
'What have The Church of Scientology, Twitter, Facebook, Sarah Palin, Swiss Bank Post Finance, Mastercard, Visa and BP got in common?' asked my anonymous friend.
'Well, some are mad, some are rich and powerful, some are against free speech' I suggested.
'True. But what they all have in common is that they have been "inconvenienced" by anonymous forces on the internet.'
'Oh that' I said re...
LADIES & GENTLEMEN!
In this 15 year contest for the Championship of the World we have...in the Right Hand Corner - that Invincible Authority of State Power, Nick Clegg.
In the Left corner we have the Challenger - Australian born Julius the Great Leaker, famed for his new Power of an invisible Cyber Weapon.
From his cell in Wandsworth Prison Julius has been getting the help in his corn...
Penny came through the door and told Terry: 'I've been to Upton Park and had a real surprise.'
'I'll guess. Manchester United only beat West Ham 3-0'.
'No.'
'Am I close?'
'No.'
'Just 1-0?'
'No.'
'Not a draw?'
'No.'
'We got a penalty in the last minute and won 1-0?'
'No.'
'Penny. You've got to tell me.'
'We won 4-0! The worst deafeat for Manchester United since a...
'My art teacher is becoming a real pain' Penny told her mother.
'I thought you got on very well with him.'
'I did. But now he's been moaning that I take up too much time talking about football. He's noticed that everything I do has someone scoring a goal.'
'Well, he has a point.'
So Penny went back to Bert and told him he had a point. 'In future I will not just concentrate on goals. Wh...
'Terry, how can I cope with West Ham losing to Liverpool 3-0?'
'Penny, you have to be thankful it was only three. At half time I thought we were in for double figures.'
'But this can't go on.'
'No. I don't know long Avram has got but I wouldn't be surprised if he goes pretty soon.'
'Do you think that will make any difference?'
'It might. Bob Green's in form and Scott Parker wasn't p...
It has not been good recently Penny thought. West Ham drawing all the time and still bottom of the Premier League, Terry missing goals in his games for Leyton Orient Juniors and Grandma in hospital after another stroke.
Penny went to see her and found there was little point. Grandma didn't know who she was and, after a while, Penny decided to call it a day.
The only amusing thing was the jou...