Palm Breach Pist, United States - Editorial - Aspartame, is now claimed to be a natural product since it is made from "natural" amino acids L-aspartic acid and L-phenylalanine.
How does it taste? Like crap. But, because it makes people overeat and get sick, two great ways to stimulate the economy, if you own medical or food stocks, it is now added to food under the guise of a "natural flavor...
Write Uncle Aspartame if aspartame is giving you any problems in YOUR life. We cannot reply to all letters, but if you are special, we just might reply AND publish your letter here!
Dear Uncle Aspartame,
I can't stop singing this song to the tune of "The Candy Man":
Who can make the young die?
And cover it with lies?
The aspartame man, O the aspartame man,
O the aspartame man, O t...
Write Uncle Aspartame if aspartame is giving you any problems in YOUR life. We cannot reply to all letters, but if you are special, we just might reply AND publish your letter here!
Dear Uncle Aspartame,
I am trying to increase my aspartame intake per the new FDA recommendations, but I keep getting blisters. What can I do?
Blistered, at the South Pole
Dear Blistered,...
NEW YORK - UPDATE 1
FDA approves stevia as a sweetener due to TheSpoof readers calls and letters!
World Trade Organization, United States liaison, Dr. Atsdied, gave this exclusive scoop to TheSpoof, minutes ago.
Dr. Atsdied told TheSpoof, "Due to the problems caused by the sweetener aspartame, we have banned world trade of this substance. That is why stevia is being prepared for us...
EARTH - It's over. Satire has been displaced. Reality is the new satire. Who can compete with ludicrous regular true news stories? Satire artists are retiring in droves, being replaced by sophomoric morons spewing banal vulgar drivel found in today's "real" news.
There was a time when one would could get some comfort from exaggerating the truth to make it comfortably more terrible than real...
ESPAGARDA, Denmark - Dr. Verner Von Vass was killed in World War II. However, a key aspect of his NAZI weapons program has come to light with a discovery in the Espagarda Library, near the train station. This exclusive interview with Ms. Furbootenass, Librarian, gives all the details of an as yet unknown chemical weapon.
"Ms. Furbootenass, how did you discover these long lost documents?"...
GENEVA - UN officials disclosed to this TheSpoof writer that when the UN takes over next year, capital punishment will be administered by the UN using aspartame.
"We feel it is quite humane to provide a sweet experience. There are many reasons for this choice. Here are the top ten:
10. It's fun to clean up the spills cause you can lick your fingers.
9. It's approved by the USA FDA as a...
NEW YORK - As related to TheSpoof by Rundudu Fufoomak.
I always carried a full pound of aspartame in a quick release pouch in my purse, just in case. Now, I'm never without the stuff at a meal, or even in the shower or tub.
It happened one day when I was walking home from work through Harlem on the way to the Bronx. I had skipped lunch.
I sort of stand out, being from Twawtsylvania; I...
LONDON - At a school near the city, Tortullina Fisher, 14, revealed the details of her 2nd-place-winning science project.
"The bottom line is, aspartame works. The fish I used in my study all lost weight after only a week.", gurgled Tortullina, between gulps of diet orange soda.
"How did you administer the aspartame? Did you spice up the food with it?", I asked.
"Oh no. It was easy. I...
LONDON - A refreshing story comes our way today from London where Wyden Spacey has achieved a bit of fame in these parts for eating aspartame right out of the box.
TheSpoof obtained this exclusive interview with Wyden.
"Wyden, so, you drink diet sodas then?"
"No, I don't eat food sweetened with aspartame, I eat it right out of the box. I have about 1/2 a box for breakfast and one box fo...
MEXICO CITY, Mexico - Dr. Jose Kanucee Itvantverk gave this exclusive inteview to TheSpoof after calling our special 900 number.
"Yes, it's true. We heard about all these cars that ran on water, but when we researched it, none of it panned out.
"So, we decided to use some basic science to make it work. See this car here? It's a 1987 with a V8 engine. It wants gas, or some kind of hydroca...
LITTLE ROCKS, AK - Scientists in this town have discovered a "new" way to get high with everyday household items. I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get this story, but being basically a crook, I gleefully reveal the details herein.
No, this is no candy and soda mixture that you make gushers of foaming mess up your nose with. I'm talking about heavily altered states of reality here.
NOHAVEN, Conneticut - Doomberg - Press Release - New member - financial tool suite: TireDayCalc.
TireDayCalc calculates when you can retire, based on input from an army of financial pronostibators, dicountants and confidence men at 13th Infidelity Bank.
A novel Javacumn script sucks up all the data from your computer for you, so you don't need to type anything. Given the state of the econ...