This is the sad and tragic story of little Johnny Lamart
Who was thrown into a murtle pit for being a tad too smart
By the grand officialdom of a South Bumbledom Bloatus
Who warranted his arrest with a thousand page notice.
The notice was laid out in fine beadledom jargon
And printed up special by a swindler named Marvin
On strips of flypaper that stretched from the nose to the chin,
with...
Back in the mid 90's at a time when the internet was still in its infancy and when the people of the United States and Canada were concerned about the coming of the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), I worked at a company that was pretty damn big. It had offices all over the world. I won't say the actual name of the company, but let's just say I call it Geee I wish I had an E.
At Ge...
At a press conference that was held outside of the Pentagon war room, a tipsy and giggling US President Barack Obama announced to the gathered press that the US had just "nuked a whole mess of places"
When asked why he decided to "nuke a whole mess of places" an inebriated Obama replied:
"Well, me and Senator John McCain and Senator Harry Reid were out partying it up in Old Towne Alexandri...
President Barack Obama announced today with a very bad 'We Killed Bin Laden' hangover that he had bad news to impart to the press.
"Geez', started the president in front of the presses' microphones. "This is a really bad one. Honestly, I swear I keep seeing Donald Trump standing in front of me 50 times strong. I mean, damn, I've had 20 McDonald's hamburgers and 10 Bloody Mary's and everyone...
The US military announced that they found a diary that belonged to Osama Bin Laden after the successful raid of his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 2, 2011. Several excerpts of his last days are printed below.
April 1, 2011
The planned terrorist attack on an Israeli bus station in Tel Aviv failed today, due to our own incompetence.
Our best three terrorists Mohammed-Larry and M...
Today Google spokesman, Jerry Nosey, announced that Google knew where Osama Bin Laden was all along.
"We've known where Osama Bin Laden was hiding for years", said Jerry Nosey. "We know where everybody is, all the time. Not only do we know where everybody is, we, also, know what everybody is doing".
"We knew that on November 3, 2006, Bin Laden was in Tehran playing putt-putt golf with Iran...
The following story actually a true story. The story is pretty accurate and has really no exagerations in it at all. Well, except for the moon being seen in the suburbs of Washington DC, that is.
It began on an early spring's shimmering night
Shortly after the witches, on their blue brooms took flight.
There was Bill and Bat and me at the start,
Playing cards and eating fried chicken a...
When I was a kid, which was many years ago, we did not have all this concern about food having trans-fats or how much nutrition was in it. You pretty much ate whatever mom gave you. If you did not die or end up in the hospital, the food was fine.
If it tasted good it was a bonus.
We did not have any of those fancy jeans that they have today. When we got our jeans they were made out of r...
When the president of China, Hu, had dinner at the White House, a confused Congress asked President Obama who is the president of China.
An exasperated Obama answered," Hu"
To which an equally exasperated John Boehner replied: "Exactly, that is what we want to know. Who is the president of China? It seems that no one knows. Just check out the press, they asked who all over the place.
It all seemed so reasonably explainable for the Hawkins' 550 pound pig Larry. At first his dad suddenly disappeared with no warning as well as the 600 pound pig Isabella.
"They eloped", Larry said to his self. "Yep, that's what happened, they eloped. Dad always had an eye for the really fat ones and Isabella made Rosie O'Donnell look like a super model".
Then his mom was gone the next d...
During a papal mass that was being given at the Vatican, God made a surprise visit and interrupted the Pope, who was speaking from the podium and told him: "JUST SHUT UP!"
"JUST SHUT UP!" God yelled at the Pope. "Do me a favor and SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You are embarrassing me".
"First off", God growled, "You are not the voice of God. The only person who is the voice of God is ME!!! What rea...
Antarctica snow cone king, Jason Symbol, has petitioned United States president Barack Obama for a bailout for his failing snow cone business that is located at McMurdo station on Ross Island. Ross Island is located in the Ross Sea, just off the coast of Victoria Land in McMurdo Sound, which is located just off the coast of the continent of Antarctica.
Apparently, twelve year old Jason Symbo...
In the process of sorting out the Arlington Cemetery fiasco where people were buried in mismarked graves, the workers made a startling discovery when they found the body of Jimmy Hoffa inside of Glenn Miller's coffin. Where Glen Miller is buried, is anybody's guess, but hopefully the six foot Glen Miller is not buried in the grave of the five and a half feet Jimmy Hoffa.
"Man this whole thing...
Judy Shriver of Clearwater Florida sued the state of Florida to allow her to marry her dog Rover, who has been her partner for the last five years.
Judy Shriver is not alone in her quest to legalize marriage between people and animals. She has received over ten thousand letters so far offering her donations to cover her legal costs as well as words of encouragement.
This is her story.
Wh...
Newly anointed Al-Qaeda member, Ali By-Golly, looked dismayingly upon an open dirt field and sighed deeply.
"Why won't they grow? Why won't my planted bombs grow into wonderful bomb trees? Oh why? Oh why? Oh why?"
"I joined Al-Qaeda to kill infidels. I joined Al-Qaeda to rid the world of infidels and I am trying so hard to rid the world of infidels, whatever the hell they are. They...