President Richard M. Nixon, September 24, 1973, while conversing with aide John Ehrlichman about rewarding groups that had voted for him.
Nixon: "The Italians. We mustn't forget the Italians. Must do something for them. The, ah, we forget them. They are not like us. Difference is they smell different, they look different, act different. After all, you can't blame them. Oh no. Can't do...
Sure, everyone knows that there's no better way to blow off steam after a hard day at the job than bashing your wife's head in with a meat tenderizing mallet. But coming home and donkey-punching the Mrs. is just going to land you in front of the same Judge who yanked your license last year. Now, New Jersey has solved the problem for everyone:
Beat the sh-t out of your kid!! I am sickened...
Why is it when I pay for my tobacco and diapers with a $100 bill, the cashier looks at me like I just tried to pay her in wampum? "Hey, can I pay you in... beads? No? Well, I have some bricks of salt... Mmmmm, salt bricks."
This is legal tender, dummy, and excuse me of I want to carry my cash in a denomination that can't be replicated with coins!
And how could this bill possibly be counterfe...
Dear Fantasie's, Keyport, NJ:
I write to you about the sign in front of your building. It is, in a word, disgusting.
As the only strip club in the Borough of Keyport, I assume you have been cleared by the Borough's buildings department, so you must not be breaking any law, per-se, but that hideous, revolting sign, which looms high above your presence on Route 36, the busiest street in our B...
My three young girls have just finished eating my patented "MacaDaddy and Cheese." They are all lying on the living room floor, emerging from a lactose-coma. Here's the recipe:
Cook and drain 1 box Ronzoni Smart Taste elbows.
Add 1 stick butter, 1 cup 2% milk.
--Heat until burned and smoking.
--Curse loudly.
--Throw out burned food, f--ked up pot.
Cook and drain a second box of Ronzon...
I don't know why everyone is so against fondue. Simply stated, croutons are much better after being dunked into molten cheese.
I remember my mom and dad had a fondue party once. My dad spent some time showing off the new Chrysler Cordoba, and then mom lit the Sterno cans under the earthenware pots. I even got to dip a cherry in chocolate.
Then, some of the neighbors came over and everyone...
A friend of mine was headlining in a Manhattan comedy club a few days back, and he wanted to thank me for the help I gave him writing his set, so he asked me to introduce him.
While it is always an honor to do so, you have to come prepared with about 5 minutes of new material to do before the introduction. So, I had to sit down and scribble something out.
Two things must be considered:
1.
A New Jersey may was found hung in his home this evening, and police say it might have been caused by a huge wave of depression caused by the Dakota Fanning / Krtistin Stewart cinematic emetic "The Runaways."
"The deceased was found dead of asphyxiation," said Keyport, NJ Police Chief George Casaletto. "It also appears that he poked his own eyes out sometime before his death."
While the dece...
Hi. my name is Vladymyr Avramenko, and I have an offer for you. I am from Ukraine and I am a professional show man and strip dancer.
I make show in different countryes - Russia, United Kingdom of Great Britain, Ukrain, Spain, Polland, Germany. I am a winner of open Ukrainian - Poland championship in topless dancing as well. Now I make a decision to visit USA.
If you are interested in high...
APPLE ][e
LOAD APPLEBasi
> SYNTAX ERROR
LOAD APPLESoft Basic
> COPYRIGHT 1977, 1979, 1980
> Apple Computers, Inc.
CLS
5 HOME: CLS
10 LET X$ = "F--k you!"
20 PRINT "A giant"; X$; "goes out to Darren Aronofsky for ";
30 PRINT "Black Swan. Spoiler Alert: It sucks. Act 1 ";
40 PRINT "Natalie Portman is weepy and looks in mirrors a lot. Act 2 ";
50 PRINT "Nat...
Had a bit of a parenting dilemma this evening. After watching the scintillating techno-thriller "Beverly Hills Chihuahua II," my five-and-a-half-year-old Miel went up to give her Mom a quick kiss goodnight. On the way over, she uh... she let out a little gas.
"What was that?" Nikki asked her, smiling. Usually that would embarrass Miel to death.
Without missing a beat, Miel responds: "My a-...
An excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania.
Rose Princesses would never have breasts small as hers, far too small for a girl that age, another cause for heartache and some derision. Of course, she knew the boys who were the cream of the crop would not date her at all, unless she put out, and she had put out to a point, loneliness being a terrible thing...
I resent the phrase, "we're pregnant."
It's like, "We're going to the Super Bowl." Indeed, not: Those who put the uniform and suffer the injuries are the ones who go to the championship game.
While we can root them on, and congratulate them on a great win, we are merely invested lookers-on. The father's role in conception is vital, of course, but the process of embryogenesis is one that we...
An excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania.
She thought it was in the mid-nineties at least. And she felt hot and she felt drowsy. She felt like a hollow gourd, and thought it would be nice to live to make it home so she could lie in a hammock strung between two elms in her yard, and sip pink lemonade and relax. Sleep would do her a world of good, in a...
An Excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania.
Miss Sommers, catching herself not doing so, for it is never wise to let the students get the upper hand, even though they did from time to time, smiled professorially at her, her first line of defense, and unhurriedly walked back the few steps, passing through the sidewalk traffic, to her student. Impatient,...
An Excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania.
The dictionary definition of NOW fascinates me, because each example use of NOW actually disagrees with the definition. If the written form of NOW is represented as "present time when written", then the reader viewing any written form of the word NOW is reading a piece of the past. A NOW long gone. A then.
An Excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania.
The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.
- Stephen Jay Gould
The formerly pernicious girl was to be squandered no longer, for s...
The flipside of living in the NYC suburb of, say, Keyport, NJ and commuting to the city is the pollution output of about 75 zillion extreme commuters, who spend more than three hours a day in transit.
Automobile exhaust in the US contributes roughly 1.9 billion tons a year to the global carbon cloud, more than the emissions of India, Japan, or Russia.
Even worse are the 40 million lawn mowe...
"Did you poop?"
"No," my daughter answered. Over her left shoulder I could see a pile of brownish baby exhaust creating a costly stain on an (once) off-white glider in her bedroom.
"Isn't that poop, Miel?"
"Yeah," she answered, scanning my face for a reaction.
One last try: "Miel, did you poop?"
A moment to think, then a brilliant response: Pointing to her diaper, she looked dead in...
Attention, any one of the 22.5 million people that watched The Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday, when she shocked viewers when she introduced her long-lost half-sister Patricia --whom she's known about since November, 2009-- in order to boost her ratings and ad-rates going into the March mini-sweeps ratings period:
You. Were. Exploited.
Indeed, you: Women who are only 15 years older than their...
"That's it, Mark, take your cleats off for Daddy," coach said, his breath coming in ragged bursts, his forehead damp with sweat. "Take the sock off. That's right... Now, dip it in this Thousand-Island dressing... Now, some of Taco Bell's new salsa verde... some bacon fat... (Nom, nom nom) Yes... yesssss."
When did the Jets find out the game was today?
Which NFL QB once said to Satan, "So,...
Attention Americans:
Ours is a nation filled with the wretched refuse of others' teeming shores. There are just as many people named Sanjeep, Ulixes and Kai in this country as there are named Courtney or Eric.
And it doesn't matter whether your name is Jose, or if it is spelled with four Z's, an umlaut, three Q's and the number 8, we will find a way to Americanize it just enough to be able t...