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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Haggis, Diarrhoea and Perverts

Quentin Kelp MP - Haggis, Diarrhoea and Perverts

Dear Constituent I have had a hectic few days spoiled by a gastric upset which I blame on the poisoned haggis that arrived via Parcel Force from an address in Aberdeen. I actually suspect my last newsletter upset Alex Salmond of the SNP and it was he who posted me the spiked Macsween haggis. Both of these famous names - Salmond and Macsween - claim to be guardians of Scottishness -...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - A Drop of Scotch

Quentin Kelp MP - A Drop of Scotch

Dear Constituents I had a very hectic weekend, utterly spoilt by my wife insisting I attend the wedding of her niece to a man who hails from Edinburgh. As we all know, Scots are well known for being careful with their money but how low they can stoop was brought home to me when I was given a handful of confetti to throw. It was dirty. Whilst I waited in the car for the reception to f...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - A Wind Up

Quentin Kelp MP - A Wind Up

Dear Constituents Fresh from my work experience as an apprentice vicar at Krupton Parish Church and with the Conference season over for another year we can now focus on more important things such as re-election. My theme this week will be the looming power crisis and I have a solution that I think should guarantee me the necessary attention before the election and a Ministerial job soon...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - My Ten Commandments

Quentin Kelp MP - My Ten Commandments

Dear Constituents (and Parishioners) I have had a very hectic week. I should really have gone along to the Party Conference but, instead, undertook some specialised work experience. Unless one is pre-booked to perform on the main stage or even one of the side shows, Party Conferences are a useless pathway to career progression especially for a non-comformist so I decided to get away with...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - A man to man chat on sensitive matters

Quentin Kelp MP - A man to man chat on sensitive matters

Dear constituents Everything has returned to hectic normality since the few days I spent in drag in Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home. I have to admit that I miss my knickers, though. Despite occasional disasters I found these over-sized garments far more comfortable than my Y-fronts so I'm going to renew the campaign once started by the excellent Mr Paxman to improve the design of men's underwe...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - A Bingo Prize and Nail Biting

Quentin Kelp MP - A Bingo Prize and Nail Biting

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week or so and please excuse the wet smudges on this newsletter as I admit to feeling unusually sad at the moment. Living disguised as eighty-six year old Ada Marples in Grey Gables Old Person's Home has had a profound, emotional effect on me and I am beginning to question the value of continuing as your elected member. Would I be better working...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Sherry and a Terrifying Nightmare

Quentin Kelp MP - Sherry and a Terrifying Nightmare

Dear Constituents I had a most hectic and sleepless night last night which I need to tell you about before I proceed with describing the strike that I tried to organize at Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home. I attribute my bad dream to the hallucinatory effects of the large quantity of sherry I'd drunk the night before. I am normally OK after gin and tonic, whisky, beer, wine, brandy and cop...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Bingo and a Vibrator

Quentin Kelp MP - Bingo and a Vibrator

Dear Constituents I have had a most relaxing few days. This is not what I expected after I moved into Grey Gables Old Persons' Home two days ago, but the service has been excellent. On the other hand, I suppose, I was fortunate in that my residence here was temporary and voluntary. Unlike the other long term residents I had not really been abandoned by my family to live amongst health a...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Old Knickers and a Grey Wig

Quentin Kelp MP - Old Knickers and a Grey Wig

Dear Constituents I have had such a hectic week and so much exciting news to tell you. But please do not put this Newsletter aside to read whilst sat on the loo or in the pub. This one needs to be read whilst seated in your most comfortable chair with the TV off and, perhaps, a cup of tea. As I mentioned in my last Newsletter I have recently decided to use disguise to conduct researc...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Bermuda Shorts and a Blonde Wig

Quentin Kelp MP - Bermuda Shorts and a Blonde Wig

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic few days and must apologise for the lack of Newsletters. This is partly because my visit to Greece (the Faliraki Economic Conference) took several days longer than expected, as you may have discovered by reading last week's copy of the Krupton News and other rags. I just wish I had been given the opportunity to explain things in more detail before they...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Faliraki Economic Conference

Quentin Kelp MP - Faliraki Economic Conference

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and it's all because I launched Kelpileaks. The KelpiLeaks "Bullshit and Disinformation File" is clearly the most popular section and I already have such a fast growing network of volunteers feeding in 5 Star Bullshit that I was thinking of recalling Anthea (my PA) from her holiday in Faliraki (which is somewhere in Greece) to deal with the respo...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Leaks and Red Curtains

Quentin Kelp MP - Leaks and Red Curtains

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week trying to find reasons not to stay in the house. This is partly due to trying to avoid my wife who is constantly asking when we intend to go and visit her mother in Macclesfield. Apparently (quote): "September is nearly on us, autumn is around the corner, the schools will be going back, half term will soon be upon us, Guy Fawkes night is waitin...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Deck  Chairs & Blissful Indifference

Quentin Kelp MP - Deck Chairs & Blissful Indifference

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and should really take a break away from the pressure of constituency work. But duty calls and, anyway, my wife thinks we should visit her mother in Macclesfield. My impending visit to Greece in time for their next bailout or complete exit from the Euro sounds like my best chance for fun before Parliament re-opens. By the way, explaining whe...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Donkey Sports & The Olympics

Quentin Kelp MP - Donkey Sports & The Olympics

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week and am now way behind with my Newsletters. This is because I have been focussing hard on my training for the 2016 Olympic Games. I reckon four years should be enough for me to qualify for Team GB although we first need to get my sport recognised by the IOC. As a sport, donkey dressage, donkey cross-country and donkey show jumping is not as r...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Greek Philosophy, Tax and Haemorrhoids

Quentin Kelp MP - Greek Philosophy, Tax and Haemorrhoids

Dear Constituents I have had such a hectic week and am now well behind with my newsletters. You might have thought I had already forgotten about you what with the summer recess and the sun shining but this is far from the truth. The sun will continue to shine ever brightly through my regular Newsletter. I'm off to Greece in a week or so, on a fact-finding visit. It's also so that I can...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Sharia Law and Roasted Baboon

Quentin Kelp MP - Sharia Law and Roasted Baboon

Dear Constituents Sorry about the few spelling mistakes in my last Newsletter but I was very upset. I am much better now, thank you, and have received several emails of support during this very difficult time - many of them offering sympathy and advice on how to cope with George's passing. Reverend Jacobs asked that I call in at his church next Sunday for guidance and strength. I sai...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - My Funeral Arrangements

Quentin Kelp MP - My Funeral Arrangements

Dear Constituents I have had a hectic but very depressing few days that has left me questioning my policy towards a certain subject that I normally try not to contemplate - death. I'm sorry to sound morbid first thing on a morning but I need to share some most private thoughts with you so please don't forward this email without my permission. I wouldn't want any old Tom, Dick or Harry thinki...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Smut and Blue Tits

Quentin Kelp MP - Smut and Blue Tits

Dear Constituents That was a hectic weekend. Sorry for the late post but my server was down. There was only one notable weekend success worth reporting and it will do little for my re-election chances, but I photo might appear in the Krupton News. I won the Three Legged Race at Saturday afternoon's Church Fete. Technically, I suppose, it was a partnership of two but the win will clea...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Pigs and other country smells

Quentin Kelp MP - Pigs and other country smells

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic few days. Amongst the best forgotten highlights was a meeting with a civil servant. This meeting was necessary as I am occasionally required to represent the views of Krupton's rural community. Those living in cities might imagine this community to consist of wealthy hereditary farmers with vast acres of woodland and fields and their farm hands livi...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Chicken Curry and Quantitative Easing

Quentin Kelp MP - Chicken Curry and Quantitative Easing

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week so far, much of it taken up with dealing with constituents very angry about the banks. I have become quite used to this anger over the last year or so but an MP has to be very careful replying to some emails - in one case from a woman unable to pay the mortgage and with bailiffs about to move in. My first nightmare image was of a front pag...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - Public Appearances

Quentin Kelp MP - Public Appearances

Dear Constituents I had such a hectic weekend but it was spoiled again by the rain. For those constituents untrained in meteorology I can confirm that the current weather is caused by the jet stream having moved much further south this year. However, I suspect a more obvious link to the Eurozone crisis. As a result, I have asked the Met Office to look into the likelihood of a conspiracy...
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Funny story:  Quentin Kelp MP - The Eurozone & Sainsbury's

Quentin Kelp MP - The Eurozone & Sainsbury's

Dear Constituents What a hectic week and it's only Wednesday. My theme today is Europe and so my Newsletter is full of complicated statistics that might only be full appreciated by my constituents with a decent education. So, for the majority of you (and that includes that upstart who thinks he's in with a chance to take over from me at the next election) I'll try to simplify things.
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