Time: 32 CE
Place: On a hillside in Judea
Judas
Peter!
Peter
Hi, Judas. Problem?
Judas
Where have you been?
Peter
What do you mean?
Judas
What do you mean what do I mean? Where were you?
Peter
Oh, here and there.
Judas
Don't be so disingenuous with me, Peter. Remember, I knew you when you were just Simon.
Peter
OK…OK…. I was with the in-laws. So, crucify me.
Act One
Mitchum
Mr. Thwaite?
Mr. Thwaite?
Thwaite
Yeah…What is it?
Mitchum
You OK, Mr. Thwaite?
Thwaite
I ain't bloody dead yet, mate.
Mitchum
I wasn't suggesting that…
Thwaite
Oh, I'm sure you weren't, mate. However, your verbal demeanor had a bit of anticipatory delight there.
Mitchum
How's that, Mr. Thwaite?
Thwaite
You were hoping that I cashed in and you co...
Judas
Nobody here.
Thomas
Don't sweat it. He'll be right here.
Judas
Maybe he's on break.
Thomas
10AM? I doubt it.
Judas
Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm getting tired of all this.
Thomas
All what?
Judas
The dirty work.
Thomas
What dirty work?
Judas
His dirty work.
Thomas
What do you mean?
Judas
"Follow me." "Feed the poor." "Get off Magdalene's...
The first victim of the Donner Party died on this date. Her name, Hondo Thwaite, 26 years old, was discovered cold, stiff, and dead.
The remaining 87 starving members of the ill-fated expedition to California then had to decide what to do with Ms. Thwaite's remains.
Forty voted for a "Hondo Bouillabaise".
Twenty voted for a "Hondo Thwaite Barbecue festival.
Fifteen voted to saute' her...
Sexipedia, the Internet Sexual Proclivity site, has provided a unique analysis of yesterday's South Carolina GOP Presidential race. Through its exit poll analysis, Sexipedia researchers claim that they have dissected South Carolinians' presidential preferences (1= most preferred; 4= least preferred) based upon their rather diverse sexual proclivities.
Those who enjoy carnal relations with firs...
An Ode About a Certain Malevolent Condition that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Threatens Mankind Across the Globe as It affects the Bowels of Those Who are Afflicted with its Curse
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Hondo Thwaite, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Dionysius XII, as He Recovers from a Facial Bligh...
Stewart: When's he going to get here?
Tracy: I don't know.
Stewart: Soon, you think?
Tracy: I don't know I said. He'll get here.
Stewart: It's been hours since you sent for him.
Tracy: He'll get here.
Stewart: He's big.
Tracy: He's big.
Stewart: It all started with the Rockefeller Christmas tree case, didn't it?
Tracy: It did.
Stewart: Before my time.
Doctorates
A One-Act Play
The curtain opens on a group of young students gathering around a rather old man downstage left. They are dressed as though they were from Ancient Greece. The surroundings are rather pastoral.
Pupil 1: Tell us another story, Master.
Pupils: Oh yes....please.....Yes, yes. A lesson....
Master: Well now....let me see...Ah! Yes!
Pupil 2:...
A Limericke about a certain Condition associated with the misspent life of an Old Alumnus who was stricken with a Malady not unlike the One that currently is afflicting His Majesty and causing such great Consernation among those dwelling within the Palace:
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excell...
A Limericke about the Silliness of Knight Errants when Honor and Glory overshadowed the Bleak, Miserable, Shallow Lives of the First Estate and laid waste to the Humble, Impoverished, and Lowly Lives of Peons, Serfs, and Beings that go Bump in the Night:
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellen...
A Limericke about the Incompatibility of Medical Intelligence with Nurses Adorned with Blonde Locks on the Occasion of a Major Scandal that Erupted in The Royal Hospital of Maladies Odd-And-Unusual:
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Pasquale II, as He Recovers fro...
John at last breathed in the sweet air of freedom. He was just released from prison. After 20 years for robbery, he was finally going to see Mary and marry her. He was going to go straight. He had already done "time" twice in his career, one for robbery and the other for manslaughter and he knew that
if he ever got convicted of a crime again, it would be for "life" ---- forever.
So,...
* A Fiji Island beverage with guava juice, dark rum and a little umbrella as in "Some more peanuts, mate and make that a double Moussa Koussa."
* A scaly rash in the intertriginous regions of the scrotal sac as in "I'm sorry, but it feels better when I scatch my Moussa Koussa."
* A 3-wheeled taxi in Nepal as in "How come you can never find a Moussa Koussa at 3 AM?"
* A Libyan defector...
Egyptian patriots have recently broken through the cemented entrance of the Mubarak Secret Police Torture Chamber. Besides a collection of thumb screws, racks, and Iron Maidens other items were discovered that would make even the Sphinx cringe:
* A Silvio Berlusconi sex video
* A 455-pound man making love to a 365-pound woman
* Susan Boyle at 6AM
* Taylor Swift singing the Nati...
Dramatis Personae
Mark: A writer
Zebedee: A father.
James & John: Joined at the hip.
Thaddeus: Not sure.
Simon…uh…Peter…uh…Simon: Never mind.
Act 1 of the Apostles
Mark: Salutations, Zebedee, father of James and John.
Zebedee: Shalom, boychik.
Mark: How are you these days?
Zebedee: What can one say? He comes. He goes. He comes again. And then He goes. But w...
CNN is reporting that an Illinois manufacturer's decision to stop making the aesthetic sodium thiopental. This news is critical because this loss will delay some criminal executions that rely on lethal injections. It will force states to think outside the box and adopt other lethal techniques.
Naturally, I have my ideas which are not only expeditious but cost-effective:
* One hour viewing...
Birds have been dropping out of the American skies and crashing deader than the genitalia of a 101 year-old Jesuit. Speculation is rife as to the reason. Why? The possibilities:
They discovered that
* Congress is back in session again.
* Rascal Flatts are neither flat, nor rascals. They're kinda roly-poly and ugly.
* Nancy Pelosi will be Miss July in the 2012 Congressional Cale...
Scene: Stage is dark. Downstage is a large round table barely seen in the darkness. Suddenly a spotlight is on a person sitting at the table. Gradually, the set becomes more illuminated.
Charlie (to the audience): Good evening. Inspector Henri Rochard has had a long and distinguished career in Interpol. During his tenure, he has successfully apprehended drug traffickers, pornographers, an...
They're changing Mark Twain's words in order to be more politically correct. That makes complete sense. But we need to continue this literary purge. No reason, not to tackle Hemingway, Medville, and Dickens. They're all fair game if we want our progeny to develop in a Christian, God-fearing manner. So, let's fix the other classics that surely offend certain populations. Here are some example...
It was a dark and stormy night.
The ER was packed with the usual assortment of back pains, headaches, and cramps. Then he arrived. The "he" was an elderly gentleman being whisked in by wheelchair, head back holding his nose, as drops of blood speckled the floor behind him.
Once he was propped up on the stretcher, a cursory examination revealed an arterial pumper emanating from Kiesselbach's...
A Limericke about the Human Condition on the Occasion of a Major Scandal that has Acquired a Patina of Cynicism That May Destroy Our Faith as It Is Known to Us
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Humbert II, as He Recovers from The French Blight that has afflicted him...
Introduction: In Ohio, there is a person running for Congress who has been discovered playing a German soldier while performing World War II re-enactments. Now they are throwing him under the bus...He's a Nazi...he's insensitive...he's anti-Jew...etc.
No one says that people who play Confederate soldiers in Civil War re-enactments are racists or that people who play British soldiers in Revo...