News International may have libelled Christopher Jeffries, who was arrested in connection with the murder of Joanna Yates. He is now hopefully on track to get massive compensation for articles which found him guilty when he had not even been tried.
Thus to find a reporter on behalf of News International hacking a phone of missing schoolgirl Milly Dowler and then deleting her messages guilty bef...
Under my china plate at a meeting to greet Prime Minister Wen Jiabo I found several £50 notes with a message: 'Accept this gift and rejoice in china as the service which supplies your needs'.
I realised this was a discreet way of saying 'Avert your eyes from the shortcomings of china - the fact that we break people and smash their brains in - remember we are at the Top Table now!'
My instinc...
The press room at Spoof suddenly became silent and a chill wind blew through the office. Lady Godiva put some clothes on as the famous TV ogre Simon Scowell came into the room followed by two policemen.
'You don't have to say anything Judas Witch, but if you do I promise not to laugh' said one of the cops.
'That's not my name' I cried 'this is a case of mistaken identity!'
'Nonsense you'v...
There is the old adage about a policeman's whistle. The sound of it either brings you comfort or fear.
If you are comfortable in the first place it is reassuring to know that you are being protected from the revolutionary hordes - but if you are of a category that immediately causes the police to be suspicious you fear the sound of a police whistle.
Now the Tories know which side of the fen...
A survey has found that sad people live longer. The people who were rated at school as being cheerful tended to die younger as they took more risks in life and enjoyed themselves 'too much'.
Prof Glum of Hell University declared that those who told jokes and funny stories were causing premature death. One consolation was that those with jokes that always raised a groan were helping longevity, w...
With others unwilling to continue with phone hacking the duty was left to me. The sensational results will cause an outcry among readers of the 'News of the World' who missed this story.
'I say Harry, Grandad here. Do you think if I wore a mask your firend Pippa would let me wipe my bum with her toilet roll?'
'I'll see what I can do.'
Some time later:
'Sorry Grandad. She says it may be...
Although I am Spoof's new Royal Correspondent I didn't get around to going to the Wedding. I missed out on the TV as well.
But I am now all in favour of these larks.
The supermarket carpark was almost empty during the morning and in the store all the usual riff-raff were missing. There was also a noticeable absence of mad people. We raced around the store, had no waiting at the cash till and...
It was with some surprise that I received the news that I was to be Spoof's Royal Correspondent.
After weighing up all the recent contributions I find that my royal spoofs won by a nose. I was told they were venomous beyond the call of duty - some accolade!
Now I'm off to London for the wedding. My plans for the day have been put to one side. I will have to cut my toe nails on another day an...
Life was difficult for Bob. He always got things the wrong way round. Instead of asking for Eel Pie he asked for lee eip. You can imagine the reaction in the East End.
He had a small circle of friends: Pip, Anna, Dud, Lil, Viv and Eve as well as Mum, Dad, Nan and Sis.
He liked some numbers. There was no problem up to 9 and after that it was 11 22 222 666 etc. He took an interest in religion...
A Special report from our roving Bear correspondent somewhere in the United States has reached our desk:
A Bear wearing its new jersey has been found high in an American Pine Tree. 'I just floated up here man' the happy Bear told me as I climbed up to have a word 'I saw this distant cousin of mine, Pooh Bear floating with a balloon taking him for a ride and I thought - I CAN DO THAT!'
Local...
Sir Algernon Carstairs-Brown, known to his friends as 'Algae', is on the warpath on behalf of 'all right thinking people'.
In a speech to his local Conservative Party in Tunbridge Wells he let loose on those who had protested against the cuts and who threatened to upset the Royal Wedding.
'We have a choice between Violent Anarchy and Constitutional Monarchy' he told his audience 'we know al...
Sir Algernon Carstairs-Brown is a worried man. The leading Tory Backbencher who keeps the Party 'on track' has been faced with terrible news.
He always knew the Brown in his honourable name Carstairs-Brown, was from his grandmother Gordina Brown. Now, through his examination of his ancestry on the internet he has discovered a link between Gordina and the recent Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brow...
With inflation now reaching 4.4% and much higher for people whose food budget is the main priority, there has to be another letter from the Governor of the Bank of England to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
We have been leaked the content of this letter and feel is our duty to make it known:
Dear George
Dear oh dear. What can I say? At first I loved you. You were everything I was looking...
Fears are growing of an international conspiracy against Spoof by unknown dark forces, once spoken of by the Queen.
Their aim is to make the news so terrible that satire and humour cannot get an edge into the world perspective.
Japan is a case in point. To create so much damage and mayhem to stop Spoof writers in their tracks is mind boggling. On top of this the crisis in Libya and all the e...
The timetable by Governments hostile to Gaddafi in Libya has had several phases.
1. ACTION - Discussion of options.
2. DRAMATIC ACTION - Planning for action.
3. SERIOUS ACTION - Deep discussion and contingency planning for a no fligh zone over Libya.
4. SPOOF ACTION - The Haig Plan as used in World War 1.
5. IMMEDIATE ACTION - Calling on the UN to DO SOMETHING.
6. IMMEDIATE ACTIO...
We have reliable reports coming in that James Bond is currently in Libya.
Previously he slept with Gaddafi's daughter Salome in an attempt to find out more about her father's plans. But Bond was suspected, because his penis was tattooed with the Union Jack - only visible when erect.
Our man James only escaped after overpowering several tanks sent to eliminate him. But this was after Bond d...
David Cameron has come out strongly against the BBC for telling people about the Cuts.
'This is getting people down' he said 'it is also getting our poll ratings down. Why can't these people have a look at our successes? The growth figures for instance, the unemployment figures, our exemplary role in evacuating Brits from Libya, our star performance in keeping forest trees growing, our planning...
'I have heard enough of this whining about people being killed in Libya - it is now clear the price of petrol is going up and the economy is going to suffer.'
I have heard enough about people being killed in New Zealand. Now we can expect the price of lamb and kiwis to go through the roof.
I have heard enough about the weather in Australia with people getting flodded and and burnt at the sam...
'It pains me to implement the cut on orgasms' announced Chancellor of the exchequer George Osborne 'but we have to do something about the deficit and this seems the best way to go about it.'
Shock waves swept through the beds of half the nation. Deidre Marmaduke could swear the earth moved when she reached her climax but then she realised that just at the moment of ecstasy a sudden shock left h...
'Every thing is on the UP' said City analyst Theobold Mygrief with glee 'unemployment is UP, joblessness is UP, inflation is UP, Bankers salaries are UP. We should be celebrating.'
'But growth is DOWN, wages are effectively DOWN, confidence is DOWN,
Tory ratings are DOWN'
'You are in need of education young man. Unemployment going up means wages will be kept down because people are scared o...
The Queen is not amused by the latest departure from Royal decorum as a grahic novel with Superheroes Prince William and Kate Middleton are shown stripping in guises similar to Batman and Spiderman.
'There must be some dignity, William' she told her grandson as he climbed on the ceiling and waved his wings.
'Don't worry Grandma. This is a new age and you've got to be in it to know it. This...
A grim Headmaster, followed by his staff walked into the school assembly and went onto the stage so they could look down on the uneasy crowd of boys beneath them.
'Someone has been lying and no one will leave this room until I find out who it was' brayed the Headmaster.
Silence.
'Come on I know who you are. You just have to have the guts to admit it!'
'It could be me, Sir' piped a frig...