Written by William H. Lumpkin
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Tags: Zombies

Monday, 10 October 2011

image for Zombie pub crawl ends in bloodshed "I'm not a real zombie!" screamed one woman.

St. Paul's Seventh annual zombie pub crawl turned into a night of horror Saturday evening when nearly a dozen Elvis impersonators descended upon the reveling crowd and opened fire with gold-plated guns and jewel-encrusted swords.

"Aim for the head! Aim for the head," they cried.

The group, a Twin Cities faction of the TCB (Taking Care of Business) Brigade, claimed to be under the direct control of the King himself. Their reason for existence: to rid the world of the zombie plague.

"You know that movie, Bubba Ho-Tep?" sneered one impersonator. "That wasn't a movie, it was a documentary."

"See, this is what I'm talking about," said K. Walker, co-founder of the Coalition Of Reanimated Persons Seeking Equality (C.O.R.P.S.E.), speaking through his translator. "If the media treated the living dead with even a modicum of respect, this stuff wouldn't happen."

When it was pointed out that prepositions don't usually become part of an acronym, Walker said "Sure. But C.R.P.S.E. didn't make any sense and didn't tell the whole story."

"Why not Zombie Equality Movement? Or even Zombie Equal Rights Movement?"

"ZEM? Sounds like a Frenchman saying 'them.' And ZERM is too close to 'germ' for my liking. Besides, we don't like the term 'zombie' and prefer to be called 'reanimated persons.'"

"What about Reanimated Persons Liberation Movement for Equal Rights and Benefits?"

Walker growled. "He asked if we can just get back to the real story here?" translated his translator.

"Yeah. Sure."

A head Elvis said TCB had no idea that the majority of people at the pub crawl weren't real zombies, but only dressed as them.

"I've never heard of anything so stupid," he said. "Why would anybody want to dress like a dead guy?"

"We're really sorry about the mistake," he added. "I guess we'll have to pay extra attention to these types of events."

"Luckily there were a few of us in the crowd as well," K. Walker said, "and their aim wasn't very good. We were able to turn many of those who had been shot, so they might maintain a happy and fruitful afterlife. Plus, we got an unexpected snack."

The TCB fled the scene soon after. It is unclear, minus their Elvis gear, whether they will ever be located and made to pay for their crimes.

"You might want to start with the Annual Elvis Impersonator's convention in Las Vegas," suggested K. Walker. Then added, a grin twitching his decaying lips, "We'll be there."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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