Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 1 October 2011

image for Collection agency goes after House Speaker John Boehner Beijing claims Boehner owes China a fortune.

Washington, DC - China wants its money back, and it wants it now. Not surprisingly, the target of the Communist nation's demands is conservative poster boy John Boehner (R-Ohio), the Speaker of the House.

Things are getting so bad, Boehner has asked the FBI for protection. His main problem: a collection agency is aggressively pursuing him to repay upwards of $1.2 trillion in debt. That figure is what the People's Republic has loaned to America through the purchase of Treasury Bonds.

Among the items of evidence that the congressman recently turned over to the FBI were a half eaten container of Mushu Pork, a gross of bottle rockets, and a transcript of the collection agency's first conversation with him. Following is an edited version of that phone call:

Voice In Background Line 6, Mr. Speaker. Sounds like a hot deal.

John Boehner This is the Speaker of the House.

Jill Sabage This is Jill Sabage from the Acme Collection Agency. I'm looking for a John Boner.

John Boehner It's John Boehner. That's how my name is pronounced - John Bon-ner - even though it looks like Boner.

Jill Sabage I'm not interested in what your Boner looks like, sir. I'm calling on behalf of the People's Republic of China, regarding a considerable debt for which you are responsible.

John Boehner You don't sound Chinese.

Jill Sabage The Chinese government has outsourced debt recovery to the Acme Collection Agency of Tulsa, Oklahoma. They're too busy over there building iPads and missiles to be bothered chasing deadbeats.

John Boehner How much does the United States owe?

Jill Sabage You personally owe $1.2 trillion to Beijing.

John Boehner But I'm not liable for that. I'm just a representative of the people.

Jill Sabage Save the Frank Capra crap for the 6 o'clock news, Mr. Smith. Your name is on the last Treasury Bond appropriation. And the esteemed members of the People's Council have written it down in their little red books.

John Boehner But Jill, you know how things work here. I just brokered the bond deal.

Jill Sabage Confucius say: "You brokered it. You bought it."

John Boehner I guess you could charge my American Express.

Jill Sabage I could if I were a chump. But I don't believe your credit line will quite cover a trillion and change. In fact…

[Soft sobbing in the background. ]

Jill Sabage Are you crying, sir?

John Boehner [coughs] I must be coming down with something. I've got to go.

Jill Sabage Have a nice cry on your walk home, Mr. Speaker. We've just repossessed your limo, and your condo is next.

John Boehner Why don't you go pick on Pelosi?

Jill Sabage She got the call just before you did. We're in the process of repossessing her face.

[Louder sobbing, ending abruptly with a click]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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