Written by Big Stu
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Friday, 30 September 2011

image for Report on expedition to find source of Ganges The power and majesty of the great Twickenham Falls

The dawn sun beat down on the party as they struggled onwards toward their goal, almost in sight at the final day of their expedition. They had been walking for over an hour and were beginning to feel that their journey would never end. A cat meowed. A dog woofed. A pigeon made a sort of pigeon noise and a mouse farted, followed through then died of syphilis. And at last, the party who set out from Stoke so many months before reached the source of the mighty Ganges.

Their expedition, sponsored by National Geographic and led by Mike Daventree, Rupert Thanes-Watson and Dr Sasha Cohen of the University of Michigan's River Source Finding department set out to find the source of the great sacred river that flows through the heartland of India. They wanted to assess the impact of climate change in the central Himalayas. The team were also keen to find the rare albino one-eyed eel that Daventree managed to photograph in his tent one night on a previous expedition to uncover the mating rituals and courtship displays of the Greater Indian wicket-keeper, and the complex procedure used in the starting of the Rusted Bald-Tyred Hindustan Ambassador.

The new expedition, however, was less fortunate. The team ran into difficulties within hours of setting out when, owing to the ongoing conflict in the region between tribal peoples of the Watingo and government forces loyal to the deposed provincial ruler Abjarabad Singh, travel permits could not be granted and entry visas were refused on the grounds of the TwentyTwenty finals just starting on Sky Sports 1. This was a major setback but, undaunted, the team pressed on and, four days later, they stepped off the rickety local bus and knew their journey was at and end. They had reached the area the local people referred to as Twickenham, where they were greeted by a tribal elder who moaned about the 'bloody monsoon' then insisted they try the regional delicacy of a "bacon and egg roll, a mug of PG and a Wagon Wheel," which the group enjoyed before setting off on the final leg of their arduous trek along the dreaded Staines Road, where they were able to watch zebra crossing. Moving off again, they finally reached their destination. In the restroom of the Star of Bengal Indian restaurant and takeaway, a local guide showed them the source of the mighty Ganges and they were able to witness the spectacular waterfall as the guide showed them how to work the mighty flush mechanism, introducing them next to the great chemical pollutant that was killing off the famous pine-scented 'Toilet Duck' which is indigenous to the region.

Next year, the group will attempt to find evidence of the mysterious Patugamba, an ancient race of people in North-eastern Peru, who died out a year ago while auditioning for Pop Idol.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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