Written by pinxit
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Not yet published

[Note from Editor to contributors: It has come to my attention that the last letters to the magazine thread on 'Dorking' and 'The Dorking Review' resulted in flaming, trolling and a palpable threat to my wedding tackle. All contributors should treat others with dignity and respect and, in return, be treated similarly by others. So... I intend to exercise my authority to censor or ban anyone who breaks these rules.]

Good, use it!

Goodhew Zitt

Hosannah, GA., USA

From @Fermatts_Last_Theorem20 (via email)

Sir,

Re the Dorking conundrum; I believe this debate can be resolved with an analogy to Strindelberg's 'Loose Quantum Thesis'. It was in 696BC that Epididymis of Thebes, mathematician, philosopher, polymath, polyglot and...

[Sorry FLT. To avoid this thread running to over 60 pages I've had to edit this letter down a bit, I'm afraid. Ed.]

...a Quark gluon and a bucket of fishpaste.

Yours, F_L_T20 MIT, Mass, USA

............

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm not being funny, bu- [Well fuck off then! Ed.]

Lady Esmée Twatt Labradoodle, Canada

............

From @jade-licks-jam (via email)

so wot if this dorking thingy wuznt crewel to amidilloes.....woteva! but i bet there peedoes anyway!that book off therz has a poor dinosore with a wig on the front an a rite creepie geeza on yu_choob with an at on an that. loloolooloolz x

[@Jade - sorry, but you can't make accusations against other contributors. You've been warned. Ed.]

............

From @sproggsy_69_millwall_hear_me_ROAR (via email)

oi!!one more pop like that at my jade an yur dick wil fit in a usb port you fcktard. i bet yore a gay fatboy aint yer??bet yu reccon yu own the fukin place dont yu?!twat...

[@sproggsy_69 I do actually. You're banned. Ed.]

............

Dear sir,

I feel that there has been much confusion as to the exact nature of the word 'Dorking' and its relevance to this debate. Allow me to elucidate. 'Dorking' is not a present participle of the verb 'to dork'. 'The Dorking Review' is simply a collection of short satirical stories based around the fictional town of Dorking.

I'm afraid the irony seems to have been lost on some readers and contributors to this debate, as of course there is no such place as 'Dorking'. One can imagine denizens of such a town would be too embarrassed to subject themselves to the derision that would ensue in having to give 'Dorking' as their address!

Haha! The very concept is risible. Just like the book. To reiterate, there is no such place as Dorking!

Yours,

Prof. Lammington Spar Brigadoon, Scotland.

............

Yes there bloody well IS!!!

Yours,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

............

Sir,

'Alles Klar!' as they have it in Germany. I've never had it in Germany myself per se, but I have in Alsace Lorraine, which at one time was under the crushing jackboot of the Hun.

But I digress. Thanks to Professor Spar all is now crystal clear and I happily retract my previous correspondence where I said that I'd "had it up to here".

Eva, I think it was, but it could have been Jürgen. Didn't quite catch her name. Gave me the clap, I know that. It was a long time ago. Anyway, thank you Professor for clearing it up. Which is more than this tube of E45 cream has. Although the itching has settled down a bit, thank you for asking.

Yours sincerely,

Laidlaw Adyebongo (Mrs), Tring.

............

From Top_Tampax@hrh_in_waiting.gov (via email)

Sir,

One's wife and I are avid readers of one's august organ and this 'Dorking Review' has whetted one's appetite. Where could one's staff purchase tickets for the show? The bally creatures seem at a loss, having tried the usual sources and no impresario bugger has heard of it? Is one right in assuming it is coming to the West End? We'd be happy to go and press the flesh in the foyer after the show as long as the natives aren't restless that night. One's last foray into Luvvieland was somewhat spoiled as the bally hordes seemed intent on playing 'Poke the Duchess with a Stick' on the Memsahib's ribcage whilst perched inside one's 'Greenhouse Roller'.

Do let one know, there's a good chap.

"Chazza"

PS. And what does one do?

............

From @jade-licks-jam (via email)

ed.. or do u lik to be called edwood? LOLOLOOOZZZ my dave has gon mental wiv u bannin him an thta.im defendin u coz hes said u r as bad as them dork noncezz.any chance u can unbann dave pleez? luv and kises jade xxoxox

........................

Dear sir,

I'd like to address Mr Hodgkiss's rather ungentlemanly response to my last message.

Mr H. sir; Dorking does NOT exist. if you think it does, then perhaps you would be more suited to living in, ahem, Barking!

All joking aside, it is purely a figment of an author's imagination. Nothing else, I can assure you.

Trust me, I'm a Professor.

Yours,

Prof. Lammington Spar Brigadoon, Scotland.

[Sigh. I've just about had enough of you lot. I don't get paid to do this y'know... next one to step out of line and I'll use the total ban button. Ed.]

............

Good use it!

Goodhew Zitt

Hosannah, GA., USA

............

[THIS THREAD IS LOCKED!]


« Return to your writers' desk

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^