Written by Karim Jessa
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Thursday, 15 September 2011

The Gappa Institute, a think tank bringing together top scholars of the world, has issued its preliminary report. The suggestions have been forwarded to the various governmental or international bodies that deal with the issues addressed in the report.

1: The think tank has advised that death should be declared illegal. Their reasoning is that, since death by suicide is illegal, and death by homicide is illegal, all other deaths, especially negligence leading to accidental death, should also be declared illegal.

The group based its decision on Freud's Death Instinct, which supports their reasoning that all deaths, particularly accidental death, are simply a form of suicide, and hence should not be permitted.

2: A recent survey on the question of Advantages and Disadvantages of Being a Child has found that the majority of children would rather skip childhood and go directly to adulthood. At the same time, the survey found that the majority of adults look back nostalgically to their childhood.

The think tank has suggested that newborn children should be kept in hibernation till they are adults, so that they skip the painful childhood years. And the daycare centres which will be left unoccupied due to lack of children, should be made open to adults who wish to revisit their younger years.

3: The most pressing concern of every single human is the fear of growing old. The Gappa Institute has recommended the following solution which promises to revolutionize people's lives by giving them new hope of longevity.

The group based its thinking on the daylight savings time. Just as the time change was introduced to give extra daylight hours but is actually a false saving of time, it has been suggested that people's birthdays should only be counted every two years. This will have the immediate consequence of halving people's ages, and make them feel younger based on their half age.

4: There have been complaints that lottery winners don't deserve their winnings. The two groups that protest the loudest at the huge amounts of lottery winnings going to undeserving winners, are those who've never won anything and those who've become rich through their own efforts.

The group came to a split decision over this issue. The suggestions have been forwarded to the Human Rights Commission, whose decision is yet to be announced. The two suggestions were: One, the lottery winners should be allowed to keep the winning tickets, have their pictures and stories run in the newspapers, be allowed to celebrate their win, and then turn over the winnings to the poor countries of the world. The opposing suggestion was, the lottery winners should keep the winnings but the publicity should be given to a non-winner, combined with a free trip at the expense of the winner.

5: The subject which caused the most heated discussion was the one about defining what makes a good person. The argument ran aground on the question of who should decide the definition of a good person.

Those who said the good person should be the one to decide what makes a good person were faced with the objection of how to pick the good person who will decide on the goodness of others.

Those who suggested a bad person would be the best judge of what they lack in order to be good were opposed by the question of how to decide who is the bad person.

The good point to themselves as examples of goodness, which says nothing at all. The bad don't think they're bad, and claim that those who call them bad are the bad ones trying to hide their badness.

The argument was still raging as the bulletin went to press. At last report Swami was throwing ladoos at Vasudeva, and Dr. Lafra Dablawala was recommending moderation in the size of the ladoos. Raj was hugging his teddy bear, while Simi was hugging him. Anil and Ramana were trying to work out new definitions for humans and animals.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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