Written by Percival
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Thursday, 1 September 2011

The first openly transparent contact with an extraterrestrial civilization occurred in the early hours of this morning. Spoof can now proudly presents the details of this epoch changing event to our readership.

This morning at 4:30 GMT one of the most important whistle blowers in the history of human historical history type affairs, contacted one of our affiliated news desks in the Pembroke area. The story this whistle blower had to tell, can only be described one of the greatest stories in the whole pantheon of news desk, news, lid blowing reporting type stuff.

After initial introductions, violent exchanges, and involuntary sedation, Mr Pumpwayder imparted the details of his extra terrestrial contact which took place only 2 hours earlier.

The night is still young

Mr Compton Stained Pumpwayder of 39 Brush Talcum Road, Pembroke, was on his way home from his weekly cross dressing, role playing spiritualist group meeting. Mr Pumpwayder had barely made it to his car which was parked only yards from the Slinky Chiffon Spiritualist Church, when this unimaginable, and life changing event took place.

Mr Pumpwayder became aware of a sharp cold breeze, uncharacteristic of the time of year, and an almost imperceptible humming noise. A moment later there was a bright ball of blinding light levitating in the middle of the road. In a state of total shock this committed Methodist, husband of two, career social worker, and father of undisclosed; watched in disbelief as a pulsating bright white sphere changed its colour to violent red. Suddenly two three foot tall figures appeared from the light. Before Compton could muster the most elementary of violent responses, the two figures grabbed him expertly by his ankles, and dragged him, screaming into the light.

Best Feet Forward

Compton, dazed, still in his full Gloria Swanson imitation silk tribute gown, and Max Wall special addition Dr Martins; began to plead with his captors, who stood silently with their backs to him, booted panic stricken human ankles still in hand. Crazed, illogical, paralyzing sensations of fear flowed through Compton's whole body, with every pleading scream for mercy, G-string wedgie, and useless struggle for freedom.

Don't shoot the messenger

In a blaze of white light, glandular milking, imitation silk, and intensive multi-lingual questioning, Compton suddenly found himself standing in a beautiful garden scene, with his two captors. Two captors who were now silently communicating their reasons for taking Compton away from his daily routine.

These telepathic, giblet tickling, experimental dance beings called themselves the Chelfont Ramactry. They came from the Elgin Clustered Orbital. These people from another system, felt compelled to take Mr Pumpwayder as part of a program of mass civil education. They had apparently decided upon this course of action only 2 months earlier. Their program of abduction, and communication was in direct response to their betrayed trust in the earthly corridors of power.

The Raimactrians had initially instigated open contact, in a spirit of peaceful trading reach arounds. It seems that our publicly elected officials, in conjunction with Paramilitary Mustache Nazis, had become uncontrollably corrupt, and incapable of functioning in any conventional sense. Once they had gained full knowledge of humanities real place in the cosmos, and the exotic technology handed over to them by the Raimactrians. The last quarter of the twentieth century had progressively turned into an orgy of dark, silky, wish fulfillment for the powers that be. Culminating in revolutionary laxatives, recreational hormone therapies, increasingly ridiculous sci-fi serials, and hostile maneuvers against the Raimactrians.

Mr Pumpwayder is currently under strict medical instructions. Madame Wilkington M.D confidently states that once he has been diagnosed he will be thoroughly seen to. After this initial convalescence period, more revelations will hopefully be brought you from this extraordinarily brave whistle blower.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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