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Thursday, 25 August 2011

image for Abilities to pass on from an Elderly Person The second quality to pass on!

One of our more mature contributors to the Inchcock Gazette, has sent in a list of his qualities and skill's he's amassed during his epic and boring lifetime - with an offer to assist others who do not have such qualities, of him passing them on if required.

I recall in 1959, the Reverand Salmon taking me to one side, and telling me: "Whatever skills or capabilities you gain, there will always be someone who can benefit from them, it is your duty as a Christian to offer these services to those in need".
Well it took me a few years more to define the benefits they might accrue for others. Better late than never, I have now completed my list of skills and abilites, and here they are for anyone in need of similar attributes and failings.

Here they are:

* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!

* The ability to forget where you've parked the car, and realise at the same time you cannot find the car keys!

* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!

* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as second!

* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around you!

* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who get bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog that attacked them!
* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!

* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, you or the poor bus cleaner!

* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!

* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, and spoons!

* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette!

* The ability to take your 5 morning medications at night, and your 6 evening medications in the morning!

* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what you went into that room for!

* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!

* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, Pub queues, and by the general public!

* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from your anus!

* The ability to scare people horrendously when you smile and say 'Good Morning' to them!

* The ability to lipread wrongly!

* The ability to get on the wrong bus!

* The ability to maintain your life of sorts, despite your constant failings and depression!

* The ability to tell the truth - this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!

* The ability to want to help others - a futile quality!

* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!

* The ability to almost see your feet looking down passed your ever expanding bouncy belly!

* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices! (Bald as a badger)

* The ability to remember things from 60 odd years ago!

* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!

* The ability to enjoy using carbolic soap!

* The ability to realise that the adage 'You can't teach
an old dog new tricks' is valid!

* The ability to realise that 'Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!

* The ability to realise that 'Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem'!

* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!

* The ability to realise that: When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.

* The ability to understand what W. Somerset Maugham meant by 'An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones'

* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

* The ability to fall asleep, or forget about saucepans heating food on the stove, and let them burn beyond salvation!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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