Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Tuesday, 23 August 2011

image for Behind the Halal Milking Machine Some halal milk - no, wait it's kosher. Or is it? Oh just pretend it is, nobody can tell.

Earlier this month, headlines were made around the world when it was revealed that Quincy's Unusual Industrial Machinery (QUIM) have introduced the world's first commercial machine for producing halal milk.

Traditionally, halal milk must be prepared according to a special religious ritual. The cow must be blindfolded, the milker must wear silk gloves, and he must call out a prayer word while squeezing the animal's teats.

Now, the whole process has been automated. The cows are blindfolded in advance, a robot with silk hands does the milking, and a recorded voice is played in time with each pump of the udders. This way halal milk can be produced much more efficiently, while still respecting tradition. With a small modification, the machine can also be made to produce kosher milk.

This follows on from QUIM's earlier success in building a halal guillotine. Their most successful project to date was to install such a guillotine in a factory in Saudi Arabia. There, animals are led up a moving walkway into a set of rotating blades. A recorded voice blesses the meat as it is sliced into little pieces while still alive. This is now the world's largest pork scratchings factory.

Further developments are in the pipeline. QUIM are already working on a robot mohel, and are looking into other religions that have unusual dietary requirements which could be mechanised.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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