Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 20 August 2011

image for Palin, Bachmann and Perry make history on "Jeopardy!"

Culver City, California - The three leading contenders for the Republican presidential nomination faced off in a special "primary knowledge" edition of the popular quiz show Jeopardy! recently to "show America what we know."

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry agreed to participate, they stated in a joint statement, because "the media is making us look like a bunch of dummies. Alex Trebek is going to make us look like a bunch of smarties."

Their appearance proved to be an historic one, for an unexpected reason: the three presidential contestants failed to deliver a single correct response over the course of the entire half-hour program. It is the first "no-hitter" in the four decade history of Jeopardy!

A transcript of a brief portion of the program follows to demonstrate how the candidates competed:

Rick Perry
"Revolutionary War" for $100, Alex.

Alex Trebek (host and quizmaster)
George Washington's teeth were supposedly made of this.

Michele Bachmann (buzzes)
I object, Your Honor. I don't believe in evolutionary.

Alex Trebek
The category is revolutionary not evolutionary, Michele. And you can call me Alex.

Michele Bachmann
No further questions, Your Honor.

Rick Perry (buzzes)
Whalebone. George Washington's teeth were made of whalebone. That brings to mind how the Democrats shut down America's thriving whaling industry, to the tune of hundreds of thousands of jobs. It's all about jobs, Alex.

Alex Trebek
It's all about answering in the form of a question, Rick. And your response was Incorrect in oh so many ways.

Sarah Palin (buzzes)
The Beatles! I mean: what is a Hard Days Night, Alex?

Alex Trebek
You're responding to my comment, Sarah, plus you are incorrect. I believe the song you're referring to is "Help!" I hope you get some soon.

Republican strategists said after the show that they might petition Jeopardy! producers for a follow-up appearance by the three candidates. But Trebek, who is also executive producer of the program, said they shouldn't waste their time. "If any of these three get elected, the entire world is going to be in Jeopardy!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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